should have never gotten married...

[noginsk]

Hey all, just looking for a shoulder to rest my head on. My wife, whom I have spent 7 of my 25 years with, has decided to move on. She had the nerve to come to my work and inform me of it there, which obviouslt cause me to get all worked up so they had to send me home. She has been living with friends, in hotels, and just recently on base in navy housing (she's in the navy) for the last three weeks, ever since we got back from our trip to Russia. To be honest, I had kind of seen this coming from about three months ago, but I am an optimist and always thinks that things can be worked out. Maybe I need to be less naive. Maybe I should have left her when she started coming home at 3:00 in the morning and when she started hanging out with this guy from her work all the time. I don't know... I am just pissed that she would do this right when I need her the most, emotionally and financially. I just started college and now have to find a way to pay for it and keep up my 4.0. My family has been really supportive, even after she made me alienate them a long time ago, to spend more time with her. My dad drove down the four hours from Maine to meet me for dinner at the local Applebee's and then drove the four hours back. This is the real kicker though, I might lose the vibe. It is in her name. Our 95 Chevy Lumina with nearly 220,000 miles on it is in my name. I'm a bit scared. She said she was going to talk to a lawyer today. I have yet to hear from her since she came to my work yesterday. Anyway, just needed to talk. The apartment is very lonely now. (maybe I should get a pet.) Thanks for listening. Anybody here gone through a divorce before? Anyone in the military at the time? I'd be curious to hear your stories. (hey if I end up keeping the vibe, I might be able to finally come to a meet!)

[Sputnik]

Really sorry to hear that. Getting a pet might not be a bad idea. They provide endless and unconditional love. My cats know when I'm upset and won't leave me until I'm feeling better.

[wicked1981]

Man, Im sorry about all your drama in your life. It sucks maybe a pet would help but it wont replace. Its dumb that she came to your work to inform you of the news what was she thinking? Best of luck and hope things get better.

[Mavrik]

Sorry to hear that... I've never been married so never been divorced so I have no advice for you. I can only hope the best for you and that you don'y lose the Vibe...

[joatmon]

that is terrible news. I live near a navy base, had a couple move in next to me once, he was in the navy, just got back from an extended sea duty to find his wife had moved in with another man. He was able to get her away from the other guy, and truly forgive her, and by the time he rotated out they were a pretty tight couple again. I really had to admire him, it would be so hard to forgive. (He did swear to never take sea duty again though ) In their case, she must have wanted to come back,I don't know if a pet is a good idea right away or not. A pet brings a bunch of constraints, makes travel a hassle, put a crimp on you freedom of mobility. A pet also costs money, food, vet bills, etc. I recommend you wait to find out what develops before you take on the responsibility of a pet.

[shibaman]

I feel for you. It has been 5 yrs. since my-now ex did some thing similar. She didn't come home one night. No call- no show. Called the police to look for her. What a waste of time. There have been 4 divorces on my street in the last 5 yrs. Only 15 homes on it. Not good odds! Do you have any kids? It makes things a lot harder. I have raised my Son by myself from age 13 to 18. It's tough! You will get through it. If you need an ear email me for a phone # . I type way too slow! You have friends here. Pets are good but don't have as many as I did when my ex left 10 dogs, a cat, and a water dragon. :

[AKLGT]

oh wow. i'm so very sorry to hear this. that's so sad to hear when things like this happen. i am curious, i don't know your situation and what's going on, but i'm assuming she is active duty, and you are the dependant? especially if you are in school again. so i'm going to assume this. and you are still pretty young, 25 you said and been with this woman for 7 yrs? how long were you/have you been married?from my own experience, i can tell you that being a military spouse (a navy spouse at that) can be very very trying. i've grown up a military brat but my father, for the latter part of my growing up, was an officer. let me tell you the drastic difference and wake up call i got when i married a lowly E4! big big difference. I was with this man for 6 years of then my 22 yrs of life, so I THOUGHT i knew him quite well. you would think anyways. During the engagement, he had some medical problems that forced him off the ship and in turn thru the hell known as a medical discharge. but, we got married April 2000 and i quit my job, quit school, and moved from Alaska and my family to Norfolk, VA where he was stationed. things were rough from the start, we went to counseling. that seemed to help a little. after about 4 months of marriage, we both knew deep down something was very wrong, but i wasn't willing to admit it. i was young and dumb, very naive and thought that i could will it to work out for the both of us. obviously i was very very wrong. in october, we were close to finalizing his discharge, he'd already gotten a job lined up (long long story w/ that and i won't go into it ) in texas. my father pulled some strings so that he was able to make the deadline to get there or he wouldn't have gotten the job. they could only hold it for so long. so, we parted, i left to get things going in texas and drove by myself from Norfolk to Dallas. i got the house set up and everything ready for him to get there including our nice new fridge. i flew up to alaska to move all the rest of our household items. then, out of nowhere, he calls and says, don't bother to come. i was in shock. i mean i knew things were rough, but i didn't realize it was THAT bad. i was a complete mess. i am only thankful i had my family and friends there to support me. i wouldn't have gotten through it had it not been for them. i will say, and be very honest with you, during that time of going through the divorce, it was very very dark for me. i went thru a severe depression, to the point of being considered suicidal. i was completely broken. but going thru that agony and heartache, i learned a great deal about myself and what i can and cannot take, my limits if you will. i was angry and bitter for many years. this was only 4 yrs ago mind you. but, the bright side, is that because of going thru all that pain and hurt, i believe i came out a better (much wiser ) person. i can understand the kind of pain someone goes thru with divorce, separation, loss, etc. i feel for them. it makes me so sad to see it happen to other people. but when i see a happy couple, i smile. it gives me hope (no pun intended). and now, after 4 yrs from the separation (2.5 yrs since the divorce), lots of counseling, anti depressants (now off for the last yr and half), i am able to enjoy life as it should be. even am in a great (still complicated since i just seem to prefer this for some reason ) loving relationship! i know what i want and know what i don't want. in fact for the very first time in a long time, i'm thinking of the future! and that is awesome!!!so keep your head up! things have a way to come out for the better in the end. it may take some time, healing, and pain, but you will prevail!

[ArcsVibe]

Bro I am very sorry about what is happening but like Hope said try to keep you chin up. You know you have your friends here on genvibe in case you ever need to talk.A pet is a great idea! I love my dog and like sputnik said they are a great therapy when things are not always going well.Keep you head up bro and I really hope things work out for the best for you.Sam

[Mr. Poopypants]

Sorry to hear about that bro. Don't blame yourself, it's the worst thing you can do. Hope everything turns out for the better.

[AKLGT]

oh ya, you asked about the pet. actually, when i moved to texas, i also went to pick up 2 small puppies that were waiting for us. one was a gift for my mom for her 50th birthday, and the other was supposed to be for us. well, it didn't quite work that way, so i ended up with both plus the folks other dog. so now we have 3. but, my little puppies helped me so much through that time, it's amazing what true unconditional love is. they had to depend on me, need me, and i had to be the one strong enough for them. so, i wouldn't suggest getting 2 pets, maybe one will be plenty, but they certainly did help. however, i would probably wait another month just to see what happens. you never know, she could change her mind....

[Charlievibe]

I have never been married, so I can't really help you out with divorce information. However, just know that I am out here if you need an ear to listen. I am so sorry for your pain and the inappropriate way your wife has handled this.Here is my tiny piece of advice....go after her for alimony. If you are a student and she is the working person, then she is making more money and would be considered the 'bread-winner'. I have a friend that divorced her husband of ten years and is now paying him alimony. She earned more than he did and his attorney was able to show that he needed her income to get by. See if you can afford an attorney to help you out.As for the pets, I have two cats and two dogs. Honestly, it gets rather expensive in January when all four of them have to go in for their yearly shots, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. I would wait however and see what is going to happen financially.Again, I am so sorry for your pain.

[AKLGT]

Quote, originally posted by desert_dweller » The military is really good about supporting dependents with a good lawyer and contact with the Navy you can ride that "gravy train" for a long time. But unfortunatly you will probally not be able to keep the Vibe unless you have been the one making payments on it.really? i must have missed that one, because the jag office clearly stated in their manual and to me they were there for active duty personnel, not dependants. and in cases of divorce, they can mediate it but again, they are there for the active duty person, not the dependant if you're going for divorce. however, they will let you know what she should be paying you during all this.... because she gets extra money for housing, food, etc since you are married. the ex had to pay me $600/mo during the time he still got the BAH/BAQ and whatever else they call it. of course it was only for 3 months, but it sure helped when i wasn't employed and not in any condition to work! not at that time anyways. if you can agree on things, look to see if you can dissolve the marriage where you do the pwk yourselves. that can save you a lot of money! it's not a divorce, it's an agreement that you both do not want to be in the relationship together any longer.

[Psychobroker]

Wow, I am very sorry that you are going through this. I know first hand exactly how you feel. I wish I could muster up details like Hope, but I really don't want to rehash it right now . Keep your chin up and go for spousal support (alimony)! You're entitled to it, and more importantly, you're going to really need it. Good luck!EDIT: um, chin, not chip

[AKLGT]

Quote, originally posted by desert_dweller »Of course the JAG office would not help you they are the Attorney for the Navy, they only have action in criminal cases usually for Courts Martial. You need to get a private attorney (female would be best in your case).or for Medical Discharges. but yes, if SHE is getting an atty, YOU need to get one or in your fragile state, you will be walked all over!

[noginsk]

Wow everyone, what can I say but thanks for the kind words. It was really nice to hear everyone talk. She just stopped by my place (it's weird calling it mine and not ours) and told me that there is no such legal action as legally separated. The navy lawyer told her that she can't get a divorce until we have lived a year here. I guess that means she has made her decision... The navy also just informed her (I am assuming that this decision was not on her own part) that she will no longer be getting the allowance for quarters because she will be staying in the barracks on base. She just paid the 800 rent for our one room studio (newport island is a bit pricey) up till the end of August, so I have a month to basically get my sh!# together and go. She said I could have whatever I wanted too, so I think I still might get the vibe. If she takes the pooter, then I will have to get my own, as well as an ISP account before I could talk to you all again. When my dad came down the other day, he cut me a check for next quarter's books, 250.00 bucks. My brother has offered me some money as well as a place to stay, although commuting from Maine to Rhode Island everyday for school is a bit of a stretch. My sister has been online everyday asking how I am doing. My best friend back in Maine has been really nice too.As I sit here and wipe the tears from my eyes, I find it difficult to see the keys...Oh, Hope asked something about how long we were married or something like that? So, here is a breif life story. I had just graduated from high school. Was living at home still kind of goofing off. I had friends that were still in high school and one of them was going to hang out with me one night in late January after school had restarted. When my friend came into my room, the first thing she said was, "there's a hot Russian chick using your bathroom". My future wife had been an exchange student at that time and had tagged along with my buddy for the afternoon. My house was always open like that so I was cool with anyone coming. And, when she walked down the stairs, (I lived in a converted basement) my friend was right. I instantly fell in love. That was January of 1998. She left to back to Russia in August of that year because her visa had expired. The terms of her visa were that she could not re-enter the US until two years had passed. So, me not wanting to give her up, travelled to Russia a total of five times (including the most recent one) to visit her. I called her twice a week for a couple hours each time religiously. We decided to get married and it happened in Russia on February 12 of 2000. She had just turned 18 and I had just turned 21. The next few years I worked with INS and with lawyers to get her over here. It cost me a lot of money too. All the lawyers fees, INS fees, plane tickets and visas to get there, fees while in Russia to sign official documents, money spent to live comfortably while over there....etc. I was working full time to support getting her over here for a couple of years. Then, on May 25 2001, she finally came back. We started our "real life" together; no more communicating with the phone only or with semi-annually visiting. Unfortunately, she joined the Navy in August of 2001, in order to take advantage of the college benifits of the military. She signed up 2 weeks before 9/11. She regretted it afterwards (although she likes it now). In January of 2002, she left for basic training. I didn't see her till June 2002. We then moved to Portsmouth (near norfolk), Virginia. Then, February this year, to Portsmouth (near Newport), Rhode Island. And now, I am here.Again, thanks for listening everyone. I promise to be more of a man now and not whimper like a little baby in front of y'all. (Don't hold me to that...)

[noginsk]

Quote, originally posted by trdvibe »or for Medical Discharges. but yes, if SHE is getting an atty, YOU need to get one or in your fragile state, you will be walked all over! She doesn't show it to me, but she says she is an emotional wreck too. I will admit that she is a much stringer person than I, but fear the need of getting a lawyer. Besided, if there can't be anything done about it till we have lived here for a year, then why bother right now? All this talk about allimony (sp) also, what exactly is it?

[Sputnik]

Hey we all need to "whimper" now and then. Feel free... no one thinks any less of you for it. In fact I think it takes more of a "man" to whimper than to not whimper.

[AKLGT]

Quote, originally posted by noginsk » So, me not wanting to give her up, travelled to Russia a total of five times (including the most recent one) to visit her. I called her twice a week for a couple hours each time religiously. We decided to get married and it happened in Russia on February 12 of 2000. She had just turned 18 and I had just turned 21. The next few years I worked with INS and with lawyers to get her over here. It cost me a lot of money too. All the lawyers fees, INS fees, plane tickets and visas to get there, fees while in Russia to sign official documents, money spent to live comfortably while over there....etc. I was working full time to support getting her over here for a couple of years. Then, on May 25 2001, she finally came back. We started our "real life" together; no more communicating with the phone only or with semi-annually visiting. hmm... i wouldn't know anything about this. Quote » Unfortunately, she joined the Navy in August of 2001, in order to take advantage of the college benifits of the military. She signed up 2 weeks before 9/11. She regretted it afterwards (although she likes it now). In January of 2002, she left for basic training. I didn't see her till June 2002. We then moved to Portsmouth (near norfolk), Virginia. Then, February this year, to Portsmouth (near Newport), Rhode Island. And now, I am here.well, i can tell you that being so young, and as i already explained i too did something similar (and perhaps maybe also doing soon). but i can see where you grew apart. let me tell you, the military changes you. it breaks you down and builds you back up. i've seen it, i've experienced it w/ my ex. it ripped us completely apart, he wasn't the same person i married. so i understand the devestation. you gave up everything for this person, jumped thru hoops of fire to get her here, wait for her to come back out of training and schooling for her job, move all over the place, and then this happens. i feel for you so much. i hope you know that it's ok to be upset and hurt. you should be! that's natural. but also know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. and when this is all said and done, in your past and behind you, you'll also come to realize (just as i had to) that you will be a better, stronger person. there will be someone for you, you just didn't find the right one perhaps. life is full of lessons, and some of them really suck. i'm glad that i am who i am now because of the things that happened to me. everything happens for a reason. if i hadn't gone thru all those crappy things, then i wouldn't be where i am today, and i certainly wouldn't have met my REAL love of my life. so you see, even though it's bad now and it's hard to see the end of it or what you're gonna do next, just know that there's some hope at the end. it'll work out fine or even better than you'd ever imagine. it just may take a long time and the journey will be rough. keep your head up!

[Fialchar]

I'm truly sorry to hear about this. I've never been married, but I have been in a few really serious relationships that ended poorly. I've also spent 15 months in the program, which taught me a lot on life, and made me a really good person to talk to about things like this. If you need an ear, I'm here for you.Just remember that no matter how deep the relationship runs, you entered it whole, and leave it whole. You never truly need the other person to be a whole person yourself.

[Charlievibe]

Quote, originally posted by noginsk »Wow everyone, what can I say but thanks for the kind words. It was really nice to hear everyone talk. She just stopped by my place (it's weird calling it mine and not ours) and told me that there is no such legal action as legally separated.Is that just in your area or because she is in the military? In some of the places I have lived, you have to go through a period of legal separation before you can divorce.Quote » The navy lawyer told her that she can't get a divorce until we have lived a year here. I guess that means she has made her decision... She said I could have whatever I wanted too, so I think I still might get the vibe. Based on everything you did for her, paying to bring her to this country, she owes you a he** (excuse my language) of a lot more than just the stuff you own. Quote » My future wife had been an exchange student at that time and had tagged along with my buddy for the afternoon. .... She left to back to Russia in August of that year because her visa had expired. The terms of her visa were that she could not re-enter the US until two years had passed. So, me not wanting to give her up, travelled to Russia a total of five times (including the most recent one) to visit her. I called her twice a week for a couple hours each time religiously. We decided to get married and it happened in Russia on February 12 of 2000. She had just turned 18 and I had just turned 21. The next few years I worked with INS and with lawyers to get her over here. It cost me a lot of money too. All the lawyers fees, INS fees, plane tickets and visas to get there, fees while in Russia to sign official documents, money spent to live comfortably while over there....etc. I was working full time to support getting her over here for a couple of years. Then, on May 25 2001, she finally came back. This may come across as cold, but I am just trying to protect you at this point, you need to go after her to recoup your expenses i.e. alimony. You put so much of yourself out there to get her here, you DESERVE better treatment than this. Quote »Again, thanks for listening everyone. I promise to be more of a man now and not whimper like a little baby in front of y'all. (Don't hold me to that...)I agree with Sputnik, it takes more of a man to whimper than to not.You are obviously a good guy and tried to make it work. I know I have already said this, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get an attorney to protect your rights. Her 'letting' you have the stuff is, in my opinion, her way of trying to get out of paying alimony. I may have never been married, but I have seen so many of my friends get messed over in a divorce. Please just be careful.

[AKLGT]

Quote, originally posted by Charlievibe »Is that just in your area or because she is in the military? In some of the places I have lived, you have to go through a period of legal separation before you can divorce.on what he said i think RI, like AK, does not have a "legal" separation pwk. here, if you live in separate households, it's considered legal separation. and i'm assuming that it's RI's laws that make them wait 1 yr. and since they got married in Russia, you probably have to go by that state you currently live in. Quote »Based on everything you did for her, paying to bring her to this country, she owes you a he** (excuse my language) of a lot more than just the stuff you own. This may come across as cold, but I am just trying to protect you at this point, you need to go after her to recoup your expenses i.e. alimony. You put so much of yourself out there to get her here, you DESERVE better treatment than this. You are obviously a good guy and tried to make it work. I know I have already said this, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get an attorney to protect your rights. Her 'letting' you have the stuff is, in my opinion, her way of trying to get out of paying alimony. I may have never been married, but I have seen so many of my friends get messed over in a divorce. Please just be careful. HELL YES! she owes YOU big time!!!! you brought her to this country, got her a greencard, and she does this???? you go after her for alimony and support! GET an attorney!I got raped with my divorce because I didn't get an attorney right away. Now, i have to suffer the financial burden (still) from all the costs and fees. I supported him for 6 mos during the engagement, the military paid for my living expenses and his (so he paid nothing), i got unemployment while we were in limbo there to pay my bills, my father went out of his way, pulled political and personal favors to get him his $55K+ job/yr (and he's still pissed about that), etc. everything went on my credit because he had bad credit. that ended up coming back to bite me in the (removed)! TOTAL output for everything over the 3 yr course we were engaged/married/separated was over $20K. you know what i got in the settlement? $3K, just enough to cover the atty fees.

[noginsk]

If I do get a lwayer, I will probably try talking to the Navy people first. They are at least free. I am in no way able to afford much more than zero. I can ask my family, but I have asked so much of them in the past... It kind of hurts me (well at least my ego) to think I can't do this on my own. The Navy guys could at least let me know all the details of what I can and can't do. I feel like I am about to undertake the same pain in the (removed) to get rid of her as I did to get her. Ahhhh, how wonderful life works sometimes....Thanks again everyone for all the help!

[AKLGT]

well, free legal advice is always a good thing. good luck to you! hopefully things will be ok and all work out.