The Darwin Awards 2005

[Digger]

For those of you who do not know, each year Darwin Awards are given to those who should not be entering or remaining in the gene pool. Here are the latest award winners. The Darwin Awards 2005 The moment the whole world has been waiting for - the 2005 Darwin Awards. These awards are given each year to the remains, or estate, of that individual who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. 5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed. 4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death. 3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him. 2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year: a man in Arkansas who used a 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a ! battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said "I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. 1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to atten! d a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr.Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm), by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Per! nicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, dropping 30 ft and landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

[damronjr]

All you can say is "WOW"!

[Mavrik]

DAMN! well... that all had to suck

[jake75]

That kaan't be good!

[Toasted7]

I guess people will still kill to see Metallica?!?

[VibeGriff]

....at least he was kind enough to return the pad...(sick i know...)

[TRDman]

I swear that winner's been in previous Darwin Awards. Something just seems familiar.

[BigMac]

I wish I could still enjoy these... but I read them many years ago, and them appearing again now as "2005" pretty much confirms that there's no reason to believe they're true...

[binary]

Quote, originally posted by TRDman »I swear that winner's been in previous Darwin Awards. Something just seems familiar. Yep, it has. There's nothing official about the Darwin awards... they just get rehashed and retold.Some are urban legends, some just fiction... all are funny.

[joatmon]

I remember that winner story from a while ago.here are some others I had in an email from a while back, You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found outmoments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO(jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned offonce it was turned on.Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation isbestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-mindedself-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from thehuman gene pool.The 1996 nominees are: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, usinga shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.[Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentallyshot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to thesound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone butgrabbed instead a Smith &Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it tohis ear.[Unknown, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation arebeing blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There wasno mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in hissystem. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and acouple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods.It appearsthat the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloudthat was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows beenopened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearairtight bedroom. He was "a big man with a huge capacity for creating[this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to hisdeath. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment inthis Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police saidMonday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday whenthe accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regionalpolice."It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honersaid."It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windowsin a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder andplunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39,fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Fridayevening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visitinglaw students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strengthaccording to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firmHolden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was"one of thebest and brightest" members of the 200-man association.[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drownedMonday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southernEgypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-footwell.He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled himdown, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well,went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers thencame to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. Thebodies of the six were later pulled out of a well in the village ofNazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. Itsurvived.[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred forlife when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at OdstockHospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's pagingdevices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unitand removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UVmachine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burnsvictims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed foralmost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered inblisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, hewent to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staffbecame suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending hiswounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke intoOdstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going tobe scarred for life."More intelligence-challenged people"45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after amechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in theengine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oilchange. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realizethat the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.Portsmouth, R.I..Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string ofvending machine robberies in January when he:1. Fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around avending machine and2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robberyof a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw,which was not plugged in.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into BurgerKing in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. Theclerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash registerwithout a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk saidthey weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listedbelow:*James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was tryingto repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friendto drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he couldascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught onsomething, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the driveshaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette,4-1-95]* Same thing up here in Michigan. Seems some poor fella thought it wouldbe a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports ittook a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free theirfreshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.* Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodiedwhen he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying tosee how close to the moving train he could place his head without gettinghit. * In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg withpieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. Whenrepairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When hecouldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it

[drunkenfriend]

How positively stupid can you be???