UPS Aircracft Techs

[Whelan]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.~~~~~~~~~~~~~P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpitP: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That ' s what friction locks are for.P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.S: Suspect you ' re right.P: Number 3 engine missing.S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed.And the best one for last..................P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding onsomething with a hammer.S: Took hammer away from midget..