ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

[ballrub]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-sh*t!"

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Q: What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Iraq? A: A map.

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Q: What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower? A: Unemployed.

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Q: Do you know the difference between a girl praying in a church and a girl in a bathtub? A: A girl praying in a church has a soul full of hope.

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a (removed) rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the (removed) rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the (removed) fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a (removed)?" All the men stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a (removed)?" All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a (removed) that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my (removed)?" All the alter boys stood up.

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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks together. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your (removed) is gone."

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A Story with A Moral The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the f*ck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration. The INS officer said, "Mujibar, congratulations, you have passed all the tests so far, except there is one more test to take. Unless you pass this one you cannot enter the United States of America." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." The officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green and I Pink it up and say Yellow, this is Mujibar." Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Verizon's help desk. I just talked to him yesterday.

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One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

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Wife: "Dear, what are you doing?" Husband: "Just looking for something on our marriage contract, honey." Wife: "What's that, dear?" Husband: "The expiration date!"

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Jim is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny Mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my p*ssy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says Jim and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the p*ssy blows him a kiss. Jim, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder p*ssy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Jim stares in amazement as the p*ssy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Jim moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Jim replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend was not happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously pretty drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff." The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a (removed)." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your billed hours."

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Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. "Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

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A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins!

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The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! - up in flames. And he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

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Q: What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A: Documentaries.

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"

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Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You idiot. Now we've got to (removed) in the boat."

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A South American Scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people who don't get enough sexual activity tend to read their Internet with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off. It's too late.

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A feisty 70 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." After the judge pronounced the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, "What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas!"

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A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay. The old man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen. The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant. I'd highly recommend." The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggest "The poppy?" "No, no, no" growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen. The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant. I'd highly recommend." The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggest "The poppy?" "No, no, no" growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jack*ss to pay for all of it" The teacher fainted.

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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just let a silent fart--what do you think I should do?" He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: This : ) means a smile. This : ( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by: Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular (removed) (__!__) a fat (removed) (!) a tight (removed) (_*_) a sore (removed) {_!_} a swishy (removed) (_o_) an (removed) that's been around (_x_) kiss my (removed) (_X_) leave my (removed) alone (_zzz_) a tired (removed) (_E=mc2_) a smart (removed) (_$_) Money coming out of his (removed) (_?_) Dumb (removed) You have just been e-mooned!

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Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do??? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.

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A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms. The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . . but, if it makes you sick . . . why do you keep doing it?"

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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had (removed). "Tarzan not know (removed)," he replied. Jane explained to him what (removed) was. Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here!" Tarzan removed his loincloth... stepped closer with his huge manhood and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?!" "Tarzan check for bees."

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Q: What's three miles long, green, and has an (removed)-hole every five feet? A: A Saint Patrick's Day Parade!

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After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes. "Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker?" "Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops."

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The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left giggleberry and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right man-meatball, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his Surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy Boots"

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There was a Louisiana couple in their 70's, and they had led a a very full life. One thing the regretted was they had never had a honeymoon after they were married. They decided that they would take a cruise and that they would spend there time together, enjoying each others company. Waiting in New Orleans (the night before they were to get on the cruise ship), they stopped at a small local cafe, where they had always stopped when traveling through New Orleans. As they sat there eating dinner, the woman turned to her husband and coyly asked him, "Honey, do you remember the first time we were in this diner?" He sat dusting away the cobwebs, and replied "Yeh, I do, I think. Wasn't that right after we were married?""Yes dear, do you remember what we did when we finished eating?""Didn't we, wasn't that the time, Ah yes Sugar... we went out back if I remember correctly.""Yes Dear, and we made passionate love against the back fence."Full in his rememberance, the old man looks at his wife of 50+ years and slyly winks. The both of them sit there and remember, and relive portions of their life together. Before long she asks him "Wanna do it again?""What! uh sure, if we can make it work!" They quickly pay the check, and head out back to "spend some time together".There just happened to be a sherrif's deputy sitting at the table next to theirs, and he had over heard the entire conversation. Some what amused, he sat there softly laughing to himself, and hoping they didn't hurt each other. After a few moments he decided to go quietly check on them, and make sure there was nothing too terribly inappropriate going on. As he stepped out the back door of the diner he heard a terrible racket out behind the dumpster. Checking out the racket, what he saw stunned him, he could just stand and stare. The older couple were leaning against the fence, and having the most vigorous (removed) that he had ever seen. After about 10 minutes the older couple falls to the ground and getting up they begin to put their clothes back on. The deputy, waits until they are dressed before announcing himself, then he said " I have to say that was the most impressive sexual display I have ever seen, what is your secret, to be able to do it like that at your age?"The old man starts laughing " Sonny, the secret is simple. 50 years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

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TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because . . . WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

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Zen Sarcasm 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a tree stump shoved up his (removed).

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California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly b*tch he's runnin' around with."