ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:47 am

A fire started on a farmer's land in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put it out. The fire fighters arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck and drove straight into the middle of the flames! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that fire truck!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:49 am

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife. He went to a psychiatrist to discuss the problem. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. After finishing the book, the man went home, stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my dinner, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," his wife answered.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:51 am

Elmer and Huey from Newfoundland were visiting a relative in Toronto. Walking along Main Street they see a sign: Suits $ 5.00 each Shirts $ 2.00 each Trousers $ 2.50 per pair Elmer says to his pal. "Hey Huey, Look! We could buy a whole load of those, and when we get back to the rock, we could make us a fortune!" "Now listen up der. When we goes into the shop you keep yer yapper shut, eh! Just let me do all the talking and fang danglin, 'cause if they hears our accent, they might try to rip us off. I'll be given them me best Ontario drawl." They go in and Elmer says, "Excuse me sir, I'll take 50 of your fine suits at 5.00ea., 100 shirts at 2.00ea., and 50 pair of trousers at $2.50 each. And I'll be taking those items with me today, if you don't mind." The owner of the shop interrupts, "You guys are from Newfoundland, aren't you?" "Yeh" says Elmer, "how come you know?" The owner says,"This is a dry-cleaners."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:52 am

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel pants: "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs on a frozen chicken?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:53 am

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face here! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:54 am

A young gynecologist was fortunate to have a very beautiful young woman as a patient. One day he was taken with her beauty when she was in the stirrups. Seizing the opportunity he said, "My dear, this next examination could be a little uncomfortable. Shall I numb it for you?" When she consented, he buried his face in her beautiful snatch and went, "num num num num num..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:56 am

A dog went wild and attacked a young boy in central park NY. A man was able to grab the dog by the neck, pulling it off the boy and choking it to death. A reporter for the NY times calls the man to interview him, congratulating him on his act of heroism. He suggests the headline: "New Yorker saves the life of a young boy!" But the man tells him: "I'm not from NY." Ok, then how about: "American hero saves the day." "But," the man told him, "I'm not American." "Then, where are you from?" asked the reporter. "I'm from Pakistan," the man answered. The next day the headlines read: "MUSLIM FUNDAMENTALIST STRANGLES DOG IN CENTRAL PARK. FBI INVESTIGATING POSSIBLE LINKS TO AL-QAEDA!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:57 am

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party." She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Why?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here." He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Well, get ready - they're bringin' it to ya!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:58 am

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 2:00 am

Q: What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar? A: A flame thrower!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 2:01 am

While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' good." Indian is shocked... Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian has a look of total disbelief. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?" Horse: "Good." Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" indicating the Indian again. Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain." Indian stares in utter amazement. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep is liar."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 2:02 am

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his favorite sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" I replied, "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "New York Giants!" And he's not even blonde.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 2:03 am

Bernie was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked at the local bar and headed for home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2:30 a.m.?" inquired the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." Bernie answered. "Really, now? And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the incredulous cop asked. Bernie replied, "My wife."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:06 am

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that." "Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:07 am

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November." Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant!" The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:08 am

The class was suppose to write a short story in as few words as possible for a college class. The instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality, and Mystery. The only student who received an A+ wrote the following: "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:09 am

A teacher in a one-room school house arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked "Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain "It means "To Our Teacher." The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain "That means "To Our Teacher With Love". The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying "F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, It means "From Us Colored Kids!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:10 am

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied. "Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one." "Gee, Dad. Which question was that?" "The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?" "That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse." "Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:11 am

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decided it was time for his son Billy Bob to learn about the facts of life. So, he took him to the local house of ill repute, which was fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduced Billy Bob to the madam, and explained that it was time for his indoctrination to (removed). The madam said, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to take care of this personally." So, the madam took Billy Bob by the hand and led him to a room upstairs where she completed his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam said, "Since this was your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure." Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob ran into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob was acting a little shy. So the madam smiled and said, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am," the boy stammered, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:12 am

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar." "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:12 am

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:13 am

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:14 am

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, b*tch?

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:15 am

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes.... yes I do," he replied. "What does it smell like? "she asked. The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone sh*t a Christmas Tree!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:16 am

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a (removed) party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," And she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:17 am

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman," I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:18 am

Q: Where do cousins come from? A: Aunt holes!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:19 am

Q: What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1? A: Bo Derek getting older.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:20 am

Q: What do Britney Speers and Pepsi have in common? A: Plastic jugs.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:21 am

Q: Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? A: He was half-nuts!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:22 am

Q: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged? A: Because cowboys eat with their hats on!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:23 am

Q: What is a hooker in Alaska called? A: A frostitute!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:23 am

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:24 am

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:25 am

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. "No, not worth it!" "OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:26 am

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. ''NO!'' yelled the blonde. The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. ''NO!'' the blonde yelled again. Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. ''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy. ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?'' The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:28 am

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck. When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths." "Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:30 am

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:49 am

Well...it's been a while...time to get the jokes going again: Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 Armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day." Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:50 am

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the postal worker. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

damronjr · Post by **damronjr** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:50 am

Holy crap, where you been man?!?! Long time since we heard from you last! How are you, and more importantly, your Vibe?!?

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:51 am

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:56 am

I'm doing ok! I came out of retirement to be the GM and marketing guy at a shop up here in the west LA area called Brainstorm Performance. They are a high performance tuning shop for Miata's, Subaru's, Evo's, 350Z's/G35's, and now we're doing RENNtech for Mercedes too!The Vibe is doing ok, haven't done anything new, just raking up the miles (over 32,000 now). Besides, I've been driving a "company car" around recently (RENNtech CLS500).I will post an update on me in more detail in the next day or two...just wanted to get my jokes going again, as I remember a lot of people enjoyed them! I noticed you made "Vibe of the Month"!! Congratulations! Nice looking wheels (LOL)!!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:58 am

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. " Then get your own blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:59 am

St. Peter was checking IDs at the gates of heaven. He asked a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man said, "I was a doctor." St. Peter said, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates." "Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates." "Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:00 am

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy, "What the heck are you doing?This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my (removed). This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:01 am

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in (removed). So, she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies. "Dead?" the doctor asked. The woman says, "Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:03 am

Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up? Roomers are still flying!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:04 am

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?" The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?" "They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:05 am

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."