New Rules
New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have (removed) with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky *******s. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the anchor. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge anchor. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had (removed) with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
Re: (northvibe)
The second from the last is so true! Those guys freak me out! I mean come on, I want to do my business and get out of there. Tip you for what? And what guy WANTS that job? You are subject to a lot of fumes if you know what I mean! Maybe they will coach you while you are going #2 too! LOL!!
Re: New Rules (MiVibe-ToolGuy)
Any guy hanging out in a mem's room looking for "tips" ought to be dragged outside and beaten.So what's an "anchor"? Haven't heard that one before...
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Re: New Rules (GMJAP)
Quote, originally posted by GMJAP »So what's an "anchor"? Haven't heard that one before...Well it really was a swear word that would have gotten edited automatically, I just inserted something else to post it. Usually I use anchor meaning someone that has no concept of time and thinks they are the only person in line, driving on the road, no consideration of others etc. and takes their own sweet time!