ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:35 am

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" "Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your (removed) is for."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:38 am

I hope you guys are still reading and laughing at these!!!I'll keep them coming if you are! I've got a million of 'em!!

vibemoon · Post by **vibemoon** » Thu May 12, 2005 9:17 pm

laughing and crying. great work. keep 'em coming!

Mase · Post by **Mase** » Fri May 13, 2005 5:12 am

I read them too whenever I see this thread pop up. I just don't want to litter the thread with my non-humorous posts.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:21 am

Just wanted to make sure I'm amusing others as well as myself! I'll keep them coming!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:23 am

Should Children Witness Childbirth? This is a true story (and proves once again, kids really do say the darndest things): Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his (removed) again."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:24 am

An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:25 am

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:29 am

A priest and a rabbi operate a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwine, they decide to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they park it on the street between both houses of worship. Later on that same evening, the rabbi looks out and sees the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurries out and asks the priest what he's doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replies. The rabbi considers this a moment, then goes back inside the synagogue. He reappears a moment later with a hacksaw, walks over to the back of the car and cuts off two inches of the tailpipe. The priest asks: "What did you do that for?" The Rabbi replies: "I'm circumcising it!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:30 am

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:31 am

Q: Why don't roosters have hands? A: Because chickens don't have tits!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:33 am

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART while your Significant Other is Taking His/Her Sweet Time! 11. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them In peoples carts when they aren't looking. 10. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 9. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms. 8. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 6. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!" 5. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 4. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme 'Mission Impossible'. 3. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!" 2. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! The voices are back!!!" 1. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:35 am

TOP TEN SHOWS ON VIACOM'S PROPOSED GAY TV CHANNEL! 11. Just Shoot Me Full of (removed) 10. Everybody Loves F*cking Raymond in the (removed) 9. Survivor: Wyoming 8. Malcolm in the Middle of an Interracial Three-way 7. The Weakest Sphincter 6. Boston Public Restrooms 5. Touched by a Priest 4. Dawson's Crack 3. King of Drag-Queens 2. Dharma and Grace and Will and Greg 1. Frasier

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:38 am

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said "This gun is loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:40 am

Q: What has 16 legs, 14 testicles and 2 small breasts? A: Snow White and the 7 dwarfs.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:41 am

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and the junior highschool girls' track team? A: A tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning little runts!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:44 am

TOP TEN WAYS TO AMUSE YOURSELF DURING AN ECONOMIC COLLAPSE!11. Teach yourself to juggle. 10. Wallpaper your entire house with little yellow Post-it notes scavenged from your former place of work. 9. Kill and roast your beloved family dog. Don't let the kids in know what they're eating until half-way through dinner. Laugh your (removed) off at the looks on their faces when they realize they're too hungry to stop eating! 8. Paint a numbered grid on the sidewalk in front of a failing bank's head office and play Suicide Jumper Bingo! 7. Dust off your family Bible, crack it open to the Book of Revelations, and try to figure out what's going to happen next. 6. While doing an inventory of your winter stockpile, come up with new and amusing ways to sort and cross-reference your canned goods. Alphabetically, for instance, or by preference. Or even by estimated shelf-life! Do this once a week, at least, and the chances of you committing suicide will be cut in half! 5. Using only a hammer, a roll of duct tape and some snow, convert your computer tower into a low-tech beer fridge. 4. Dust off those old Dungeons and Dragons books and start role-playing again! 3. Stand on a street corner selling pencils, apples or shares in your Internet start-up venture: http://www.pencils-and-apples.com. 2. Arm yourself, organise a group of your fellow travellers, then march to the nearest high-rent district and conquer some snazzy new digs. 1. Pretend like it isn't really happening.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:45 am

TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE NEW WONDERBREAD, made with Genetically Modified Wheat!11. SuperBread 10. PonderLoaf 9. GlutenWad 8. MegaToast 7. UberSlice 6. MysterySlab 5. MagicBun 4. BleachyDough 3. SoftWhat-is-it? 2. FrankenBread 1. MutantWheat

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:46 am

Did you hear about the stressed out Priest who went to the Doctor in a panic and asked him, "What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?" The Doc smiled and said, "It means the Alterboy lied. He wasn't a Virgin."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 6:51 am

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me, but they can't take away my birthday." The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:36 am

This guy was sitting in a bar, looking incredibly glum. The bartender said, "What's wrong?" The guy answered, "I had to go on a week-long business trip, so I hung a weight from underneath my bed just above a bowl of cream... to see if there would be any tell-tale splashes when I got back." The bartender said, "Did you come home and find any splashes?" "It's worse than that." Says the guy, "...the cream was churned into butter!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:38 am

Fellow goes to the doctor. "Been having a bit of stomach trouble lately, doc. Funnily enough, every time I break wind it sounds like a Japanese motor-bike." "Right, then," says the doctor, pulling on his little rubber glove, "Let's examine you - drop 'em and bend over." After a few moments the doctor straightens up and tells the patient, "The problem seems to be that you have an abscess up there." "What does that mean?" asks the man. "Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" replies the doctor. "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:39 am

Same doctor was visited by a VERY gay patient. "Ooh, doc," says our friend, "I'm in terrible pain - you know - up there. Have a look and tell me what's wrong." "Come off it," says the doctor, "you're just after a quick thrill." "No, really, it hurts, it hurts!" "Oh, all right", says the doctor, pulling on the rubber glove again and doing the procedure. "Well, I'll be! No wonder you're in pain," exclaims the doctor, "Of all things, you've got a rose stuck up there! No, wait a moment, there's a whole bunch of roses!" "I know," says the gay guy. "Read the card! Read the card!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:40 am

A Vatican insider Cardinal came running to the Pope, "Holy Father... Jesus has returned to rein on the earth in all his glory." "Praisa be, bringa him to me so I cana see him ina the flesha!" "Well I have some bad news and some worse news," said the Cardinal. "The bad news is Jesus is not here in Italy." "What isa the worse-a news then?" said the dejected Pope. "He's in Salt Lake City!" replied the Cardinal.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:42 am

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside. "I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within." The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000." The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:43 am

The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" "I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:46 am

An elderly couple was visiting New York's fashion district when the wife noticed her husband staring at the models in their short skirts and revealing blouses. "Henry," his wife said, "stop that! It's like you've never seen a woman's legs or breasts before!" "You know," he replied somewhat sadly, "I was just thinking the exact same thing myself."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:47 am

A group of friends went deer hunting and decided to pair off in two's for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Ed?" the other hunters asked. Ed's hunting partner, Brian, replied, "Ed must have had a heart attack. He just keeled over and died a couple of miles back up the trail." The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Ed laying out there and carried the deer back?" "It was a tough call," nodded Brian. "But I figured that nobody would steal Ed."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:49 am

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have (removed) with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have (removed) with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having (removed) the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why? "Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:50 am

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, Afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home,distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." "Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod! I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:53 am

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma... I'm a white boy!" His mother slaps him hard on the face and says, "Go show your Daddy what you did!" The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy clubs him one upside the head and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother!" Kid finds granny knitting on the porch and says: "Look Granny... I'm a white boy!" Granny smacks him on the face and sends him back to his mother. The boy shakes his head as he's walking away and says, "Damn! I've only been a white boy for five minutes, and already I hate black people!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:54 am

So, this polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a gin.................................. and tonic." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?" The bear answered, "I don't know but my dad had them also."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 13, 2005 7:55 am

A doorman working at a brothel hears a knock at the door. He opens up, and two sailors are standing there. They ask: "What can we get for a five bucks?" "For five bucks?!" the doorman says, outraged, "You can suck each other's dicks for five bucks!" He then slams the door in their faces. Ten minutes latter, there's another knock at the door. It's the sailors again. "What do YOU guys want?" the doorman roars. "Where do we pay up?" they ask.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon May 16, 2005 1:16 am

Do you know what happened this week in 1850? California became a state. The state had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the street. ....So, basically, it was just like California today, only the women had real tits.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:26 am

One day at school Little Johnny and his friends were talking. His friend Tom was showing off his new watch that he got from his dad. "How'd you get it? Why'd he give it to you?" said Little Johnny. "I came into mum and dad's room when they were having (removed) and my dad said he'd give me anything if i went away. So i got a watch". That night Little Johnny waited till his parents started having (removed) and he burst into the room. his dad started screaming: "What do you want??" Little Johnny screamed "I WANNA WATCH!!" So his dad said "Fine, sit in the corner and shut up!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:27 am

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:28 am

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. He's about ready to swing again, when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." a second time. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:33 am

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea? A: a itchy (removed)!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:34 am

Q: what do you call a gay dwarf? A: a low blow!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:34 am

Q: what is one thing that a spermcell and a man have in commom? A: only one out of a billion will be the perfect one!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:36 am

Two young princes were walking down the road near a castle. All of the sudden they see a princess. They look at each other and go over to the princess and say, "We would do anything to marry you." The princess says, "Well, Its not up to me to decide which one of you to marry." The first prince says, "What can we do?" The princess replies. "You must talk to my father first." They head off to the castle to see the king. The king says, "OK, to marry my daughter, you both must accomplish a task." The princes nod their heads. The king leads them outside to the wall surrounding the town. The king says, "OK, you must jump the wall, swim across the lake, Go to the farm, have (removed) with the cow, and come back." The first prince says, "That's easy!" and jumps the wall and drowns in the lake. The second prince climbs the wall, swims the lake, goes to the farm, copulates with the cow and comes back. The king says, "OK. Now you may pay me a hundred gold pieces to marry my daughter." The prince thinks about it for a second and asks: "How much for the cow?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:37 am

This guy goes to the doctor and tells him he has a terrible flatulance problem. While he's explaining, a monster fart blurts from his assh*le, filling the room with a dank, rottening stench. The doctor tells the patient "I think I know how to fix this problem." The doctor gets up and leaves the room for a minute, then returns with an 8 foot pole. At the end of the pole was a wicked, sharp-looking hook. The patient looks at this horrific apparatus and says: "You're not going to stick that up my (removed), are you?!" "No," said the doctor, "I'm going to open the window."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:38 am

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:39 am

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..", then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:40 am

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:41 am

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:43 am

An Army Ranger was deployed to Iraq. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him. So the Ranger did what any squared-away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:44 am

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend grunting and groaning and breathing heavy all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shakes his head and says: "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:45 am

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." He does and that warms him up. After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 18, 2005 1:46 am

Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another experienced hunter approached, pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"