ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

[ballrub]

This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

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Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a greasy-spoon when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got sh*t-faced." The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange. Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year." Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never, EVER marry my mother!" The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you b*stards please pass the f*cking salt?"

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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he c alled the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of fire wood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[ballrub]

An Hispanic family was considering putting their grandfather into a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full, so they had to put him into a Protestant home. After a few weeks in the facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asked the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," replied grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!" "That's great, grandpa!" they say. "And me, I haven't had (removed) for 30 years, and they still call me the f*cking Mexican!"

[ballrub]

A young redheaded lady goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor then asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she cries, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

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My friend Mark was walking down the street when he passed a gate! He then heard someone calling his name" Mark, Mark, Mark". He opens the gate and gets bitten by a hair-lipped dog!

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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane--" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny start ed his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!"

[ballrub]

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore (removed), and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the lush. "Happens to me too. I'll come back when you sober up."

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After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have (removed)?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust!"

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Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil cropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on. Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiousity, and asked, "What the hell's that string for?" "Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't get it up? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my (removed), and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my *ss."

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A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

[ballrub]

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals!

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Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry Maria," says the mother. "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says his mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs." "Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half." "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

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A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!"

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A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

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THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY: Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's Triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago. Good: Your wife is not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She is a Lawyer. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients. Way, Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

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Two men were driving through Missouri when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Missouri, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Missouri, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license -- he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What"d you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that *sshole would've tried that sh*t with me!'"

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How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."

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A busload of Republicans were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the Republicans. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" asked the sheriff. The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't. But you know how them Republicans lie."

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The man had fallen onto the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" The man would not reach up. Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?" "I am an income tax collector," gasped the man. "Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo. The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to give you anything."

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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her tongue enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ................... and left it there all night.

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This...according to my wife... 1.Men are like ...........Laxatives ............... They irritate the crap out of you. 2.Men are like .......... Bananas ................. The older they get, the less firm they are. 3.Men are like .......... Weather ................. Nothing can be done to change them. 4.Men are like .......... Blenders ................. You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5.Men are like ......... Chocolate Bars ......... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6.Men are like ......... Commercials ............ You can't believe a word they say. 7.Men are like ......... Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8.Men are like ......... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9.Men are like ......... Mascara .................... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10.Men are like ....... Popcorn ..................... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11.Men are like ....... Snowstorms ............... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12.Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ................ Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13.Men are like ....... Parking Spots ............. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

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If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its (removed)? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

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: Only At Wal-Mart One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to his coworker Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess need to see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. That's a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!

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I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library, or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. "And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "How come, Grandpa?" I asked. "It makes your pecker look bigger."

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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage, a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "Boy, how I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down and gave a little monkey yell. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down and made his noises. "Well, did you see this?" The monkey nodded his head. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nodded. "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "Oh, they were smoking pot?" The monkey nodded. "What else, anything?" The monkey motioned two people kissing. "They were making out too?" asked the astounded officer. Yes, nodded the monkey. "Now wait just a minute. You're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and making out before they wrecked?" The monkey nodded again. "And just what were you doing during all this?" The monkey held up his hands like he was holding a steering wheel and made little vroom vroom noises.

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A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill-up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been lent out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar. OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do ...."first you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila ... the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it; Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands; Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...." Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then... silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

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KIDS TODAY THINK ON THEIR FEET TEACHER: "John, how do you spell crocodile?" JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: "No, that's wrong." JOHN: "Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!" ************* TEACHER: "What is the chemical formula for water?" SARAH: "H I J K L M N O!!" TEACHER: "What are you talking about?" SARAH: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!" ************* TEACHER: "Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago." WILLIE: "Me!" ************* TEACHER: "Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?" TOMMY: "Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are." ************* TEACHER: "Ellen, give me a sentence starting with 'I'." ELLEN: "I is..." TEACHER: "No, Ellen.... Always say, 'I am'." ELLEN: "All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ************* TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." ************* TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't purish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand." ************* TEACHER: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" SAM: "No sir, I don'thave to.....my Mom is a good cook." ************* TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same a your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog! ************* TEACHER: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" PUPIL: "A teacher."

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He looks at all the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, " ...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box

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Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile. "Do you understand?" his mother asked. "Yes," replied Little Johnny. "Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother. "Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny. "In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom. "Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "Daddy will f*ck ANYTHING!"

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five!" "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "According to our calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’d you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your billable hours."

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FACT: Today, there is more money spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimers research! This means that by the year 2040, there should be a large ederly population with perky tits and huge erections with absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?!" "Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

[ballrub]

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed. "My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!" "OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."

[ballrub]

These aren't jokes, but are actually true...but they're still funny!..........Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coca-Cola was originally green. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is impossible to lick your elbow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month .. which we know today as the honeymoon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow_________________

[ballrub]

So,,,you people still reading these? Are they making you laugh? Did you try to lick your elbow?

[Kari]

Yes they are making me laugh...and I did try to lick my elbow...I can almost get it. LOL

[ballrub]

Good...I'll keep'em coming!!!!

[ballrub]

Tarzan was happily swinging through the Jungle one day from vine to vine. He was distracted for a moment, grabbed the wrong vine and "WHAMMO!" straight into a tree trunk. Tarzan slid down the tree trunk with the branches he hit all the way down doing him no real favors. The Phantom was riding through the Jungle and found Tarzan all broken up at the bottom of the tree. He called up some pigmy buddies and they carried Tarzan to the best local witch-doctor that they could find. The Witch-doctor soon diagnosed broken right arm, broken left leg, smashed (removed) ... broken face ... oh no, Tarzan always looked like that. Tarzan came around and the Witch-doctor said, "There's some good news and some bad news." "What," asked Tarzan, "could be any worse news than the way I am busted up?" "Well," said the Witch-doctor, "The good news is that you are lucky that they brought you to me. I am the foremost transplant witch-doctor in all the Jungle. And the way your arm, leg and (removed) are smashed up you are going to need transplants of them all ... they are just too smashed up to repair." "Well THAT IS good news," said Tarzan, "So what could be the bad news." "There's been a bit of a war between the tribes and I'm short of human parts," said the Witch-doctor, "But I do have some animal parts that I can substitute." "Will I still be able to swing through the Jungle?" asks Tarzan. "Oh yes, I have a chimpanzee arm here that will grip vines better than your old arm," the Doctor replies. "And will I be able to run through the plains?" asks Tarzan. "Well I have an Ostrich leg here," says the Doctor, "... I admit that it will be a bit experimental but it should work." "Well I guess we'll just have to chance it," says Tarzan. "And to replace your ... your ... well your broken (removed)," says the Doctor, "I have this thing off an elephant." "Wow!," says Tarzan, "Let's get started." So the Doctor puts Tarzan under and operates. A few months later the Doctor is travelling through the Jungle and who should swing by but Tarzan. "Hey Tarzan," calls the Doctor, How's everything going?" "Oh it's going pretty good Doc," says Tarzan as he swings down. "As you can see this chimpanzee arm works really good swinging through the trees." "And this ostrich leg works OK," Tarzan says, "I can run real fast ... can't dance, but there isn't anyone to dance with anyway ..." "That's GREAT!" says the Doc, "Are you having ANY problems?" "Well ..." Tarzan hesitates ... "It's this elephant's thing ... I don't mean to be ungrateful Doc ... But every time I get hungry it rips up grass and leaves and tries to shove them up my bum!"

[ballrub]

Q: Did you hear about the deadly serpent with a lovely singing voice? A: It was a choral snake.

[ballrub]

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[ullbergm]

Quote, originally posted by ballrub »So,,,you people still reading these? Are they making you laugh? Did you try to lick your elbow? Keep em coming. Oh, and yes, i did try the elbow thing..

[ballrub]

I'll Keep'em coming...........President Bush addressed an Arizona gathering of the American Indian Nations earlier this week. Speaking for nearly an hour, the President discussed his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. Bush referred to his career as Governor of Texas, commenting that he had approved over 1200 Indian-related issues that came to his desk. While the President was vague on the details of plans for his second term, he enthusiastically outlined his goals for helping his "red brothers". At the conclusion of his speech, the President was presented with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The President then departed in his motorcade, proudly waving to the crowds. A news reporter in attendance at the speech asked the AIN chiefs how they come to select the new name given to the President. The chiefs explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t it can no longer fly.

[ballrub]

Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? A: The ones in the casinos are serious.

[ballrub]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door! He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[ballrub]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[ballrub]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[ballrub]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[ballrub]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her. He whispered , "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else. She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "Kiss me and you won't be sorry." So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog. IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back...and guess what the old lady turned into?...she turned into the first motel she could find!She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!