ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

[ballrub]

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same." "Wow. That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."

[ballrub]

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When its head is up a fairy's skirt -- then it's a goblin.

[ballrub]

Recovering from a four hour operation, a heavily sedated man is lying in bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young nurse comes in to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Curious, she finally pulls back the covers, raises his gown and holds his (removed) in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and finally says, "There's nothing wrong with them!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice, but listen very, very carefully: are...my...test...results...back?"

[ballrub]

On Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh*t?"

[ballrub]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

[ballrub]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? OK! Here it is! A COMMON TATER!!

[ballrub]

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral (removed) on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[ballrub]

Moses comes down from Mount Sinai. He calls out to the assembled Children of Israel: "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've got the number down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still on the list."

[ballrub]

Q: Where do they put pictures of missing transvestites? A: On the back of half-and-half cartons.

[ballrub]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken he goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[ballrub]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[ballrub]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for a business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[ballrub]

A farm worker is asked to take a load of vegetables to the processing plant. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's still wriggling what should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."

[ballrub]

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well deserved vacation. Chandro the Lead Elf says, "Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my (removed) down to Miami. I'm gonna do nothin, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as I can, and soak up the sun til I get this damn cold out of my bones." So he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the bar. He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink. So he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita. He downs it, orders another one, downs that too. He smiles at the blonde and says, "Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little f*ck?" She looks down and says. "Hello, you little f*ck."

[ballrub]

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead."

[ballrub]

WARNING! Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "BEER" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available everywhere. "BEER" is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "BEERS" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached (removed), a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "BEERS", men will have (removed) with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship". In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "BEER" is administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "BEER" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under: Golf Courses.

[ballrub]

An old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."

[ballrub]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great," said Little Johnny, "Cuz he'd be in trouble, if he needed glasses."

[ballrub]

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic! 1. Don't change horses................................until they stop running. 2. Strike while the .....................................bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before.................... Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but .......... how? 6. Don't bite the hand that .......................... looks dirty. 7. No news......................................................impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a .............................. Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new ................ math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............. stink in the morning.. 11. Love all, trust ......................................... me. 12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs. 13. An idle mind is ........................................ the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution. 15. Happy the bride who .............................. gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is ................................... not much. 17. Two's company, three's .......................... the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............. you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you cry and .......you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as .................. Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not ........ spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed .................. get new batteries. 23.You get out of something only what you ...see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind .................. get out of the way. And the WINNER and last one! 25. Better late than.........................................pregnant!

[ballrub]

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin. Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol." Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?" Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..." Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo." Pam: "Are you sure?" Carol: "I'm sure." Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo". Regis:" Is that your final answer?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Are you confident?" Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart." Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!" To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her," Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Pam, it was easy," replies her friend. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

[ballrub]

Women are like countriesBetween 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa: Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America: Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India: Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France: Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia: Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia: Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

[ballrub]

I hope you people are enjoying these...I'll keep posting!

[fjf511]

Of course they make me pee my pants

[ullbergm]

Quote, originally posted by ballrub »I hope you people are enjoying these...I'll keep posting! keep 'em coming

[vibemoon]

these are great! keep 'em coming!

[ballrub]

I'll Keep'em coming!!!A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said. "Where?", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[ballrub]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Pray Every Day' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[ballrub]

An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the bartender: "Me want beer!" The bartender says: "Sure Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out. Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender: "Me want beer." The bartender says: "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?" The Indian says, "Me in training for job as government employee: drink beer, shoot the sh*t, disappear for a few days."

[ballrub]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day, the old geezer returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this..... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the damn jar open."

[ballrub]

A Japanese man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen...today I get a hunat eighty?" The tellers says, "Fluctuations." The Japanese says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[ballrub]

Subject: TERRORISM ALERT IN FRANCE AP and UPI have reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only three higher levels in France are Surrender; Collaborate, and Setting a Price. The rise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

[ballrub]

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, (removed) without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to (removed), I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-----there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[ballrub]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[ballrub]

THIS IS TRUE! Subject: Manure Manure - In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported; by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed less than when wet; but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T" (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

[ballrub]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: 'This bull mated 50 times last year' The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: 'This bull mated 120 times last year ' The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: 'This bull mated 365 times last year' The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one!!!" The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow." NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[ballrub]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims: "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Buffalo Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across! the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, for the last time ..I said, "BRING POSSE!".

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

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Be careful what you wish for.................. A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and ~ abracadabra! ~ two tickets for the new QueenMary2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick ~ abracadabra! ~ the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story...Men might be ungrateful idiots...But fairies are....female!

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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ''H'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he''s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ''Y'' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he''s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ''M'' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

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A father walks into a book store with his son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

[ballrub]

An old underwater hockey player sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping it, a georgous young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the man and asked, "Are you a real underwater hockey player?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life in the water, competitive swimming in high school and college, lifeguard, teaching scuba diving, freediving and spearing fish, played Octopush in England, trained new players, kicked (removed), drunk beer, made pucks and sticks and gloves, read underwater hockey junk on hockeynet, and I am wearing this underwater hockey T-shirt. So... I guess I am an underwater hockey player." The woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything I do makes me think of women." So, the two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old underwater hockey player and asked, "Are you a real underwater hockey player?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

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A Polish immigrant goes to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters: - C Z J W I X N O T A C Z "Can you read this?" the examiner asks. "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!"

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A man goes into the unemployment office in Los Angeles to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something. "Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46." "Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels." "I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Fresno." "Fresno? What do I wanna go to Fresno for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is."

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One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the???" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow!"

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One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

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A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'. Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man. "What are your car keys doing out?" "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those b*stards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!" "OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information." As he stands the man up, and he notices his (removed) is hanging out. "Aw sh*t mister, your (removed) is hanging out, would you put that thing away!" The man looks down, sees his (removed) hanging there and screams, "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"

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George: Condi! Good Morning! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report you wanted about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi? George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: I said milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

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A man is eating at an exclusive restaurant when he drops his soup spoon to the floor. His waiter immediately comes up to the table pulls a spoon out of his shirt pocket for the man. The man takes the spoon and thanks the waiter. Between sips of his soup he asks, "Why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?" The waiter explains that a survey has revealed that the most dropped eating utensil was the spoon, so now all the waiters carry spoons so they don't have to go to the kitchen and get one. The man thinks that is great. Later on the waiter again stops by to see if everything was OK. This time the man notices a string sticking out of the waiter's zipper. He asks what that was for, and the waiter says, "When we go to the bathroom, we just grab the string and pull "it" out. That way we don't have to wash our hands, again saving us time. "Interesting," says the man, "but how do you put 'it' back in your pants when you're done?" The waiter says, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."

[ballrub]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your (removed)?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"

[ballrub]

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bra. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."