ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:33 am

The Story of My Life ... When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:49 am

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, readying himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is.... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:50 am

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:01 am

While walking down the street a man hears a deep commanding voice that seemed to come from God himself: "Sell your car!" "What?" timidly replied the man. Now, twice as strong as the last time the voice repeats: "Sell your car!!!", causing the earth to tremble. So man goes home and gives an add and sells his car. Now the voice sounds it self again: "Sell your house!" So the man sells his house. And then the voice appears again: "Cash in your stocks and bonds." And the man did just that. So now the voice tells him: "Take all that money and go to the casino!" And the man does just that. While standing in casino with a suitcase full of 1000$ bills he again hears the voice: "Convert all your money to chips! After the man complies the voice tells him: "Go to the roulette table and put all your chips on the number 12!" And the man does just that. So the croupier spins the wheel drops the ball, ball starts revolving and after a little while slowly places it self on the number 13 slot. And the man hears the voice above: "F*CK!!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:02 am

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mother.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:03 am

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?" "Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!" "Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:04 am

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now - No Jesus, No Walmart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties. No Home Depot. No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya. More than one wife. Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, ...IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE?

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:06 am

Ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity: 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries With That. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It, "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors". 7. Finish All Your Sentences, With "In Accordance With The Prophecy". 8. Don't Use Any Punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Ask People What (removed) They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. 11. Specify That Your Drive-Thr! ough Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party, Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-Workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard". 17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won"! 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose"!! 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:07 am

How to Impress a Woman ============================================ Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. ......How To impress a man ============================================== Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV .......Hmmmm... Women have it a lot easier!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:09 am

True Friend Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship: 1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you sad. 2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused - I will use little words. 7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy (removed). This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask. Because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway. Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:10 am

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:09 am

George W Bush and (removed) Cheney are flying on Bush's private jet. George looks at (removed), chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy." Cheney says, "I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his copilot, "I could crash this plane into the side of a mountain and make billions of people happy."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:10 am

A lady walks into a (removed) store and says to the salesman, "Where are the dildos?" The clerk points and says, "On the wall over there." She looks and says, "I want one of the red ones." The salesman says, "No, lady. The dildos are the ones next to the fire extinguisher."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:11 am

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in (removed) anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!" The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:12 am

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope until a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:13 am

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend pack. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said, "The b*stard dropped $500, in quarters!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:14 am

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:15 am

A couple just got home from their honeymoon, and when the husband went back to his house after work he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home or called. She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild (removed) with me for a week." The husband answered, "But it's only been two days. What do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:16 am

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:17 am

This sailor wanders home stumbling drunk with a chicken under his arm. He quietly opens his back door to find his wife standing there. Her hair in curlers with a frumpy robe on gives him a look that could kill and says: "where the hell have you been?" He looks at her and says "This is the pig I've been f*ckin!" She says "that's not a pig." He says "I was talking to the chicken!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:18 am

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Ten pounds," he replies. "Weâ€™ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator. About 9 a.m., thereâ€™s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading "If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me." The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have (removed), he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. Heâ€™s lost 10 pounds! That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds." "Weâ€™ll send someone over." The next morning, heâ€™s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads "If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me." The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds heâ€™s lost 20 pounds! That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!" "Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "Thatâ€™s an awful lot." The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!" About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads "If I catch you..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:20 am

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE: Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:21 am

Subject: Hormone Warning THE HORMONE WARNING: The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate. 13 Things PMS Stands For 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff And my favourite one... 13. Potential Murder Suspect Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh (or men who need a warning.)! And remember: Money talks.... But chocolate sings.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:22 am

Have you ever thought about this? Why people forward jokes This explains it.... A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir, come right in, and I'll have some iced water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use heaven's name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who are willing to leave their friends behind." So... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So, my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke. Instead, realize that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile...and that friend who sent the joke would not ever leave you behind!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:23 am

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:24 am

A Mafiosoâ€™s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:25 am

Christmas in West Virginia Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back. The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care, With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds, While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads. And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake. Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake. When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard, I opened the winder to check muh T-bird. I ran to the door, like I's on a mission, But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission. The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'. Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'. When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep. With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick! More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name. Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS! On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS! From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins! I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack. Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack. He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog, I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog. He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front, And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt. A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm, And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam. His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey. From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky. A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops. The veins on his face looked ready to pop. The (removed) of a Marlboro clung to his lip He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips. He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly. I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly. He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me. A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head, From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed. He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic, Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics. His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price. He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells. Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies, And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size. When the presents were gone and he had no more, He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door. He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order "Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!" And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl, "MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 5:42 am

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! "Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They look riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: Tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. ................No one moves. ...............He removes his shirt. ...............Muscles ripple across his chest. ................She gasps... ................He whispers: ..............."Here, iron this, and get me something to eat...."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 5:38 am

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!" Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you say?" Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge but he sees a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home. Marie say, "Why you back so soon?" And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. Dey got a sign on dat dere bridge what say Clarence 13 ft. 6 in. You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bayou."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:24 am

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:25 am

Emily Khumalo fainted and Sipho called 911. The 911 operator told Sipho she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?", asked the operator. Sipho replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive". The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Sipho said, "How 'bout if I drag her Over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:26 am

A seven year old Seattle boy was at the center of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the Seattle Seahawks this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:27 am

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about 140 million dead Muslims!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:28 am

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," replied the perp.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:30 am

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few more moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike." "The Coopers are having (removed)." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know they're having (removed)?" "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:35 am

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk. "Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?" "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:35 am

A young man picks up a young woman in a bar and coaxes her back to his hotel room. When they are relaxing later, he says: "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying: "You might be. Your face looks familiar!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:37 am

A daddy polar bear and his cub are sitting on an iceberg. The cub looks up at his dad and asks "Pops, am I really a polar bear?" The daddy polar bear looks down at his son and answers "Of course you're a real polar bear! Why, just look at your beautiful white fur, your powerful claws, and your sharp teeth which are specially designed for capturing and killing seals! You're as fine a specimen of polar bear as I've ever seen! Why would you ask such a silly question?" "Because I'm f*ckin' FREEZING, Pops!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:38 am

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I shot him" said the guy. "Why?" "I caught him in bed with my board!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:39 am

One night, Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him "This sucks! Every time we make love I get splinters in my p*ssy!" So Pinocchio seeks Gepetto's advice. Gepetto says, "Use sandpaper! That's all you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinocchio and asks "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinocchio says, "Who needs girls?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:40 am

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look," he says, "I want you to keep in mind that this is the same woman who used to beat us for sucking our thumbs..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:41 am

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well Father." The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all." The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:31 am

Linda decides to throw a costume party where all the guests dress up as emotions. On the night of the party, Linda meets her guests at the door. The first guest arrives, dressed head to toe in bright red fabrics. "What emotion are you?" Linda asks. "I am passion!" the guest answers, and Linda lets him in. The second guest arrives, dressed head to toe in a blue wrap. "What emotion are you?" Linda asks. "I am serenity" coos the guest, and Linda lets him in. Finally, towards the end of the evening, Linda's French friend Jacques shows up, buck naked, except for the fact that his genitals are obscured by a piece of fruit. "Holy cow, Jacques! What the hell emotion are YOU?" To which Jacques replies: "I am deep in dis pear!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:32 am

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking gas meters. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you two, I figured I'd better run too!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:33 am

A very successful personals ad read: "SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy." Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:34 am

Q: What is the difference between a tornado and a hotly contested Alabama divorce? A: One way or another, someone is going to lose a mobile home.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:35 am

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that says "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT." His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lot is a stone building. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your sign and was interested in possibly doing some business" he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:36 am

TOPIC: ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING S = SYMPTOM, F = FAULT, A = ACTION S = Feet cold and wet. F = Glass being held at incorrect angle. A = Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. S = Feet warm and wet. F = Improper bladder control. A = Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. S = Drink unusually pale and tasteless. F = Glass empty. A = Get someone to buy you another drink. S = Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. F = You have fallen over backward. A = Have yourself leashed to bar. S = Mouth contains cigarette butts. F = You have fallen forward. A = See above. S = Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. F = Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. A = Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. S = Floor blurred. F = You are looking through bottom of empty glass. A = Get someone to buy you another drink. S = Floor moving. F = You're being dragged out of the bar. A = Find out if you are being taken to another bar. S = Room seems unusually dark. F = Bar has closed. A = Confirm home address with bartender. S = Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. F = Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. A = Cover mouth. S = Everyone looks up to you and smiles. F = You are dancing on the table. A = Fall on somebody cushy-looking. S = Drink is crystal-clear. F = It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. A = Punch him. S = Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. F = You have been in a fight. A = Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. S = Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. F = You've wandered into the wrong party. A = See if they have free alcohol. S = Your singing sounds distorted. F = The drink is too weak. A = Have more alcohol until your voice improves. S = Don't remember the words to the song. F = Drink is just right. A = Play air guitar

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:38 am

A study at the University of Missouri Med School shows that the type of men's facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her cycle. For example: Most of the month a woman is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with smooth, clean-shaven features. During her period or if she is menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his (removed) while he is on fire!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 7:38 am

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors. One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to f*ck you like you've never been f*cked before." The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. "Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge. "I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."