A week at the gym...

[ToolGuy]

WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...Dear Diary,For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a weekof personal training at the local health club for me. Although I amstill in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I decided itwould be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club andmade my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, whoidentified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and Model forathletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with myenthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary tochart my progress.MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waitingfor me.She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes anda dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showedme the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She wasalarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing nextto her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way inwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Veryinspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gutwas already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of thedoor. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into theair, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on thetreadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made itall worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on thetoothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. Ibelieve I havea hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try tosteer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessawas impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other clubmembers.Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when shescolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chesthurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Whythe hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity renderedobsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape andenjoy life.She said some other sh*t too.THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposedas her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn'thelp being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, Iran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on therowing machine -- which I sank.FRIDAY: I hate that b*tch Vanessa more than any human being has everhated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move withoutunbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work onmy triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in thefloor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs morethan a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health andnutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coachor the choir director?SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating,shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing hermade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked thestrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straighthours of Weather Channel.SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I cango and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,my wife (the Witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like aroot canal or a vasectomy.

[damronjr]

That was great! Have to wipe the tears away!