ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:13 am

A woman is dating a surgeon. She becomes pregnant, but the couple doesn't want a child. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, their prayers are answered. A priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection, and the surgeon sees a grand opportunity. "After I've operated on the priest," said the surgeon, "I'll give him the baby and tell him it was a miracle birth." So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this." "Believe what?" says the priest. "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It seems to be a miracle birth! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says: "What do you mean?" The priest replies: "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:15 am

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:16 am

There were two guys, and one day they found a whorehouse. The first guy went in and then came out a few minutes later and says, "Bah. My wife is better." The second guy goes in and comes out and says, "You know what? You're right. Your wife IS better!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:17 am

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...."He should have quit while he was a head!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:20 am

A salesman is talking with his wife. " Last week I was in Indianapolis and was caught in a terrible traffic jam, so I decided to stop at my usual hotel and spend the night there, instead of risking to be delayed for hours and hours. Just while the desk clerk was assigning me the last available large bed room , in came my best account in Indianapolis, also caught in the traffic jam and also in need of a room for the night. He was my best account in Indianapolis: what could I do? I offered to share the room with him. He accepted thankfully and we went both to sleep in the large bed . I did not like the situation so much, but he was my best account in Indianapolis: what else could I do? We put the light off and I had a hunch that he was trying to get a little to close to me for my liking . I resented it but, after all, he was my best account in Indianapolis and I rejected any implication, thinking it was my own imagination. But,a little later, when he came really close and started putting his tool between my legs, I had no doubt about his real intentions any more." "My God," says the wife, this is terrible: what did you do then?" "What could I do, he was my best account in Indianapolis..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:21 am

It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house he is apprehended by a policeman. He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested. Why? Because the law states he is entitled to the presents of an attorney.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:22 am

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest. The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. Both men were sent out separately on a remote lake for a week. At the end of the first day, John Kerry returns to the headquarters and he has 10 fish. Soon, George W returns with zero fish. At the end of the 2nd day John Kerry comes in with 20 fish and George W comes in again with none. That evening, (removed) Cheney gets together secretly with George W and says, "I think John Kerry is a lowlife cheating son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow. Just spy on Kerry and see if he is cheating in any way." The next night after Kerry comes back with 50 fish, (removed) says to George W, "What about it? Is Kerry cheating?" "He sure is!" replied George W. "He's cutting holes in the ice!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:23 am

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'" The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t... what happened next?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:25 am

A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear".

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:26 am

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP"! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:27 am

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:28 am

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ballpark. The game is very exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has many innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it? and how many players are on base? Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:29 am

A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults." "Somersaults!!! How many of them does it do??" "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it in the (removed)!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:30 am

Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!" The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!" So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first." To which she replied again, "No, thanks!" Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk?" This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, 'Chirpies' and I hear it is untweetable."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:32 am

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "That's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little six week old poodle puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "Well," replied the little man, "It appears that your dog choked on him, sir."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:33 am

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Taliban said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?" The man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!" "OK. If you walk for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. The restaurant has all the water you need!" The Taliban staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Taliban came crawling back. The man said, "I told you, the restaurant is about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?" "I found it," rasped the Taliban. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:34 am

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it." The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it." Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club." "No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager. "Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:35 am

What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic. What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun-- he's prepared for traffic.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 7:57 am

A woman, enjoying a good game of cards with her girlfriends one evening, suddenly jumped up and said, "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be angry if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she realized she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled into the garage. She greeted him and then watched fearfully as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his food. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day. Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later her husband did die! The women were sitting around the table playing cards when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife calmly replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantle while he was licking himself clean."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 7:58 am

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around. "That'll be $34.50 please," the clerk says. The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 7:59 am

"Gender" of Inanimate Objects . . . 1) Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them. 2) Copiers -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if handled the wrong way. 3) Tires -- Male, because they're often over-inflated, tend to go flat when you need them the most, and eventually go bald. 4) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 5) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component. 6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, most of the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) Remote Control -- Female. You'd think it'd be Male, but consider this; it gives a man pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:00 am

Top 10 Reasons Trick or Treat is better than (removed): 10. Guaranteed to get a least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning, and the #1 reason Trick or Treat is better than (removed): 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:01 am

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Barton," said Mr. Goldstein, "My jigger died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his jigger hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Barton. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put it back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my jigger died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Barton. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:02 am

Survivor-Texas Style Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm gay, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2008, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:03 am

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way! Instructions on how to clean your toilet: 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:04 am

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:05 am

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:07 am

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the f*cking goalie."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:08 am

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your (removed) and go as a caramel apple. Go f*ck yourself, Acme Costume Co.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:11 am

A lady goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" ! She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED! ---Her money was refunded

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:12 am

A wealthy man gets out of a limosine in downtown New York and walks into a bank asking for a loan. The bank representative asks the man how large a loan he wants. The man replies, "I need one hundred dollars for one month." The representative requests collateral and quotes an annual interest rate of 12%. The man agrees on the spot and puts up his limosine as collateral, leaving it with the bank. The next month he comes into the bank and pays back the $100 and the $1 in interest he owed. The bank representative couldn't hold back, asking the man, "Out of curiosity, you seem to be wealthy, why did you need a $100 loan?" The man replied, "How else can I park in downtown New York for a month for $1?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:12 am

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except to play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way! He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take her to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!" At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his (removed), and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:13 am

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive, the two fathers make a bet; in a year's time whichever family has become more American, will win. A year later they meet again: The first man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast & I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud; how about you?" The second man replies, "F*ck You, RagHead."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:14 am

Memo to all employees: In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T,you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T). For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T Thank you for your time. Sincerely, The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:16 am

To the citizens of the United States of America... In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents â€“ Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:17 am

One day a frog walks in a bank and asks to see a loan officer named Patty Smack. She comes to greet the frog. The frog says, "Hi, I am James Jagger, I would like to get a loan." Mrs. Smack brings the frog in the office to process the paperwork for the loan and asks him if he has any collateral. The frog says "Yes, here you go," and hands the her a marble. She asks, "Is this all you have? I cannot approve a loan with just this as collateral." The frog then requests that the Mrs. Smack take it to the bank president and see if he will approve the loan. Mrs. Smack does as the frog requests. The president, when asked to approve the loan says, "That's a knick-knack Patty Smack, give that frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:18 am

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my tush is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:19 am

Four men were lined up on the pier fishing next to each other early one morning. The first guy caught a 2-pounder. The others were amazed and wanted to know what kind of bait he uses. The guy said, "I am a kidney surgeon and when I remove kidneys I keep the leftovers to use as bait." The second guy caught a 4-pounder. The others were amazed and wanted to know what kind of bait he uses. The guy said, "I am a lyposuction surgeon and I always keep the leftover fat to use as bait." The third guy caught a 20-pounder. The others were amazed and wanted to know what kind of bait he uses. The guy said, "I am a plastic surgeon and always keep leftover noses to use as bait." The fourth caught a 100-pound whopper. The others were amazed and wanted to know what kind of doctor he was. He replied "I'm not a doctor - I'm a Rabbi."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:21 am

A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park. One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favourite drink and, hey presto, they would land in a pool full of this drink. So off they went. The brunette went first. On her way down she shouted out: "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little un-steady. Next the redhead, who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down shouting: "Whisky", and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be dragged away practically unconscious. Now it was the blondes turn. She was very excited, and on her way down she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted: "Weeeeeee........."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:22 am

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck, man! How much water did you drink?!?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:23 am

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the driverâ€™s window and asks whatâ€™s going on. "Listening to music," the guy says. Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And whatâ€™s she doing?" "Reading a magazine, of course." "How old are you?" asks the officer. "I'm 18." "And how old is she?" The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well, in 11 minutes sheâ€™ll be 18, too."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:24 am

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:25 am

â€œMy God! What happened to you?â€ the bartender asks Sean as he hobbles in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. â€œI got in a tiff with Riley,â€ he replies. â€œRiley? Heâ€™s just a wee fellow,â€ the bartender says. â€œHe must have had a weapon in his hand.â€ â€œThat he did. A shovel it was.â€ â€œDear Lord. Didnâ€™t you have anything in your hand?â€ â€œAye, that I didâ€”Mrs. Rileyâ€™s left (removed),â€ Sean laments. â€œAnd a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.â€

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:26 am

One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman agrees, so they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have (removed) for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "I didn't feel a thing."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:27 am

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have (removed) with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have (removed). "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" "No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a friggen pervert do you think I am"?

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:28 am

Two old friends, one married and one single, were reunited after many years apart. The single man asked his friend, "So, what's it like being married for five years?" The married man replied, "Well, it's OK. But I sure do get tired of putting it in the same hole." "Well, why don't you just turn her over?" snickered the single friend. The married friend looked at him in disgust and replied, "What, and have a house full of kids?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:29 am

Jim and John were out on the golf course enjoying a saturday morning round. After a few holes they caught up to a couple woman golfers who were less than skilled. After waiting for them to finish the hole and the next (which was no better) Jim told John "I'll go down and ask them if we can play through." He started towards the pair of ladies and when he got about halfway,turned around and came back. "I can't go over there" he told John. "One of those is my wife and the other my mistress!" John laughed and said "I'll go," and headed towards the women. About halfway there he too turned around and headed back to where he'd left Jim. "Small world," he said,with a sheepish grin.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:30 am

Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling. She said to her mother, "Iâ€™m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex." Her mother shrugged and said, "Donâ€™t listen to that fancy talk. Iâ€™ve watched Marvin and I tell you heâ€™s all right. Just look how much he loves his mother."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:31 am

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Just where the hell were you when I got married?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:32 am

There is a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!" One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady, so every morning he stepped onto his front porch after her and yelled, "THERE IS NO LORD!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!" The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "THERE IS NO LORD! I BOUGHT YOU THOSE GROCERIES!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!!"