ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:43 am

Toward the end of the golf course, Doug somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden--POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life: better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then, POOF! She was gone. After Doug got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the p*ssywillows." Doug yells back, "DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:44 am

A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off. The Brit's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!" The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Beje sus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!" He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoots mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?!" She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!" The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:46 am

A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge (removed). She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his (removed) standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh! You want wanky?" So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finish yet?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:47 am

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks, "Where are the condoms?" The pharmacist replies, "I keep them back here behind the counter. What type are you looking for?" The man says, "I'm looking for the ones with insecticide lubricant." Well, the pharmacist just chuckles and says, " Don't you mean spermicide?" The man, with a grave stare, says, "No. My wife has a bug up her (removed), and I'm going after it!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:48 am

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope, which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account. When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own paycheck at such a young age. The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f*cking sheet rock!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:50 am

A farmer was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the University of Texas fight song. Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a veterinarian. When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen too. He agreed he heard the Texas fight song but didn't seem particularly excited. "Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the farmer asked. The vet, a third generation A&M University graduate, said, " I'm an Aggie fan, and I've been listening to a**holes sing that song all of my life."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:51 am

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body was that of a Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body was a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Mississippi, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:52 am

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "For the fifth time, chicken!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:54 am

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:59 am

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God: "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "That's a little steep. What can I get, say, for just a rib?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:00 am

God summoned Castro, Chirac and Bush before him. He told them that they were ruining his precious Earth with all their pollutants, industrial fishing, logging etc. He told them to clean up their act or he would make the whole mankind shovel sh*t from one hole to another for eternity. Go! tell your people. So Castro goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, both of them bad. One, God exists and Two, if we don't clean up the planet we will have to shovel sh*t from one hole to another for eternity." Chirac goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, one good and one bad. One, God exists and Two, if we don't clean up the planet mankind will have to shovel sh*t from one hole to another for eternity." Bush goes back to his people and tells them "I have 2 things to tell you, both of them good. One, God exists and Two, There'll soon be work for everyone!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:02 am

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:03 am

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:05 am

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had (removed) with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody about this!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:06 am

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000.00 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 31. Someone tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see. 32. You've ever watched Deliverance and thought the guys who made Ned Beaty squeal like a pig were just misunderstood. 33. There are more traffic signs in your back shed than there are within a fifteen mile radius of your house. 34. You have either less or more than a total of twenty fingers and toes.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:09 am

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200, the teacher began, and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy," Johnny answered.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:10 am

A guy goes to interview for a Government job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" "The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I do. During a battle an explosion removed my testicles, so they declared me 100% disabled; though, it doesn't actually affect my ability to work." "Sorry about your injury, but I have good news for you. I can hire you right now! We work 8:00 to 4:00, but you can come in around 10:00." "If your hours are 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10.00?" "Well, these Are government jobs... so we just sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours... no point of you having to come in for that."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 4:11 am

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things. While he was gone the first day, she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 6:51 am

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword. The Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over. The chief asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds: "So much for your f*cking CANOE, assh*le!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 6:52 am

Two old drunks were hanging out at their favorite bar. The first one says, "You know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So, whatâ€™s your point?" says the second drunk. "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 6:54 am

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun." The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 6:55 am

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel casino to register at the front desk, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude to her." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you, dear. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it," insisted George. In their room, George called down to the desk and asked 'Bambi' to come up to room 1217. When he hung up the phone, he said, "Now, Harriet, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough so you can hear us." Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened the door and in walked Bambi, her hips swirling provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." "$125! I was thinking more like $25." Bambi laughed, "You must be crazy if you think you can buy (removed) for that price." "Well," said George, as he walked he to the door, "I guess we can't do business..." As soon as she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and remarked, "I just can't believe it! Never in a million years would I have believed she was a hooker. But you were right, dear." Later that evening, while George and Harriet sipped cocktails at the hotel casino bar, Bambi appeared and approached the two of them. She pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 mister!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 6:56 am

For all those men who say: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying the whole pig just to get a little sausage.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 6:57 am

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You (removed) liar!! You went bowling again!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 6:58 am

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them from St John's up to Labrador to hunt moose. They were quite successful and bagged six of them. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could only take 4 moose. The two lads strongly objected saying, "Last year we also shot 6 and the pilot let us put them all on board, and it was also the exact same type of plane with the exact same capacity." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. However, upon take-off the little plane couldn't make it and they crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreck one hunter asked the other, "Do you know where we are?" "Yup", said the second one, "I think it's pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:00 am

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?" "Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But won't that knock my teeth out?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:01 am

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee. One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief furiously masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fixed you up with a beautiful woman." The chief says, "Her arm got tired."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:02 am

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:03 am

A woman was attempting to return a disposable barbecue. When asked why she was returning it, the woman replied that when she opened it, there wasn't any meat in it. The shop assistant patiently explained that the barbecue was simply to cook the meat, and that it didn't include any food. The customer looked very embarrassed indeed. The assistant looked at her receipt and asked: "There are three barbecues on here. Are you returning the other two as well?" "I can't," she said. "They're at home in the freezer."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 30, 2004 7:04 am

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?" Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'" "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a car.' So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar." "Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:46 am

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:47 am

SAD - but TRUE!!!! Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching math": Teaching Math In 1950 ************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1960 ************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math In 1980 *********************** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math In 1990 ************************ By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers) Teaching Math In 2005 ************************ El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:49 am

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, Dave."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:50 am

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:51 am

Patient says, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!" "I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!" "I am amazed!" the doctor said. "Iâ€™ve never run across anything like this in all of my years of practice and there's nothing about it in any of my books. But, I think I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:53 am

An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two teenage boys in line behind me. They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem. With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?" The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I screwed your mother, she gave me a cookie."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:54 am

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, I was thinkin' perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, "Dae ye noo think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:55 am

Two old guys are moving about in Wal-Mart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, I'm looking for my wife, and I wasn't paying attention." "What a coincidence, says the other guy, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight (removed). What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:56 am

Three couples went camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have (removed)! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my (removed) you're holding."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:58 am

Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:59 am

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You donâ€™t want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wifeâ€™s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, â€˜Hon, why donâ€™t you try carrying several things at once?â€™" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:00 am

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said," Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:02 am

A guy is out on a weeknight, drinking with a bud, and gets so sloshed he pukes on himself. "Oh, sh*t! My wife is gonna kill me!" His friend says, "Hey, just put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that someone else threw up on you and gave you the money to pay for cleaning." "What a great f*cking idea! Lemme buy ya a drink!" Later that night, he sneaks into his house, and gets caught by his wife: "Look at you, you bum! You're a mess, you've vomitted all over yourself!" "No, Honey, look," handing her the money from his shirt pocket. "A guy at the bar puked on me and gave me 10 bucks to pay for the cleaning." "Ah... well, OK. But why is there $20 here?" "Oh yeah, the guy also sh*t in my pants."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:03 am

A little girl asked her mom, "Mommy, may I take the dog for a walk?" The mom replies, "No, because she's in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the girl. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and asks, "Daddy, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mommy, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you." The dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with the leash, but no dog. Surprised, the dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:05 am

A man is walking on the beach, when he finds an old brass oil lamp. He starts rubbing the sand and mud off to try and see it better, when two Blonde genies appear. They thank him for freeing them from the lamp and tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the Blonde genies disappear. The next thing he knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. Suddenly, he feels something soft under his feet and looking down, sees that the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. He grins in anticipation..... Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door, and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two Blonde genies! One Blonde genie says to the other, "I don't get it. I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire." "But, why he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:06 am

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great George," that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the President & Mrs Bush is struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:08 am

"First," said the playboy, "Iâ€™m going to buy you a few drinks to loosen you up." "Oh no youâ€™re not," said the girl. "Then Iâ€™ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no youâ€™re not." "Then Iâ€™ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no youâ€™re not." "Then Iâ€™m going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no youâ€™re not." "And Iâ€™m not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:09 am

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?" "We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:10 am

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her p*ssycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other. Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's p*ssy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 2:12 am

Two nuns are driving down a country road late one night, when suddenly a vampire lands on the windsheild and starts scratching at the glass trying to get at them. The first nun says to her colleague: "Quick! Show him your cross!" So the other nun winds down the window and shouts "Get off the windsheild, you f*cking assh*le!"