ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:42 am

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is amazing." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:43 am

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:44 am

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs? "You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:45 am

A man goes into a hospital for a vasectomy and awoke to find himself surrounded by stern faced doctors. Alarmed, he asks: "Is anything wrong?" The head surgeon gravely replies: "I'm afraid we got you mixed up with another patient and instead of giving you a vasectomy, we gave you a (removed) change operation. You're now a female". The patient is devastated. "Does this mean I'll never have another erection?" The surgeon pauses for a moment and replies: "Well, you might, but it won't be yours".

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:08 am

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order' , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. 'What will you do for the last six months?' asked the doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, 'I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law'. Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, 'Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?' 'Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!'

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:09 am

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside a local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Ashby, Minnesota township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Norwegian bachelor farmers. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians passed all the sleek new engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno! Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never see before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, elderly Norskes. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:14 am

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:19 am

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not ! you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an (removed) that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don'! t know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her sl*ttty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a (removed) toy." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together , Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. Then, as it turns out, Vicky is really into the whole (removed) thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, would you let me know where the f*cking remote is? Love, Bob

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:23 am

Some Famous Quotes: Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~ Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. ~ George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea . . visit people only once a year. ~ Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~ Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir . . . mighty scarce. ~ Mark Twain By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~ Jilly Cooper I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~ Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~ Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~ Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~ Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ! ~ Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until Noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink . . . and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~ W. C. Fields I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~ W. C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~ George Burns We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Unknown Don't worry about avoiding temptation . . . As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Unknown Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But . . everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Unknown Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~ Unknown The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good . . . spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Unknown It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." - Henry David Thoreau

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:24 am

A guy is driving across country trying to get home for Christmas. As he passes through Mississippi he sees a Nativity Pageant and notices the three wise men are dressed as firemen. He stops and asks, "Hey--why are you guys dressed up like that?" To which the biggest bubba replies, "You yankees sure are dumb. It says right here in the song that three strangers came from afar."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:25 am

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:27 am

A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!" The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its (removed)! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master. The water was churning and splashing in the struggle. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "I don't want it," said Leroy, panting. The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something! You won the bet." Leroy said, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white motherf*ckers it was that pushed me in the pool."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:28 am

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day." The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend." The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?" The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again." The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?" The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:30 am

Two Texans were wandering the streets of Calcutta when an old woman hurriedly walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe!" one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa!" "Your nuts," said the other. "It doesnâ€™t even look like her." They followed her for a few minutes and when she stopped in the open market they decided to approach the woman. One asked, "Excuse me ma'am, but are you Mother Teresa?" The old lady eyed them saying: "F*ck off, you (removed) morons!" before storming away in a huff. "Well, that's that," the first one said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "I guess we'll never know."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:31 am

A guy walks into a doctor's office complaining of many symptoms. The doctor begins a thorough examination. Upon looking, the doctor notices a lettuce leaf sticking out of the man's bum. Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange." The guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:32 am

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:33 am

The pretty young nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! "Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled. "Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:34 am

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. â€œWhudd'ya do that fer?" he asked. "Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:35 am

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" . . . she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...................... "We're down here ...."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:36 am

Thought for the Day... Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get your sh*tty ideas from.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:37 am

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, but eventually he asked if they could start a physical relationship. Much to his delight, Heidi was game. After several months, he approached Heidi and said "I have a problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor. Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged. The guy then asked, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?" Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged. Then he said, "Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man." Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes. He then asked her "Do you mind if I call you Phil?" "No, I guess not" was her reply. So, he grabbed her by the arms and shouted "Phil! You won't believe who I've been f*cking!!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:39 am

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "That's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he sees that it's a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that ever good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:40 am

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:41 am

Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew. When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility. The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping. About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain. The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be." The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store." The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea...then why are you here?" The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:43 am

A group was touring London, marveling at the historic buildings, art collections, and such. The group included people from many countries. During the tour of the Tower of London, a man from Prague and another man from Athens struck up a conversation about some point in history. A small disagreement ensued, which rapidly became a large one. They decided to settle the matter then and there using the historical accouterments at hand. Donning armor and chain mail, they prepared for a battle to the death. This attracted the attention of the rest of the tour group, who crowded around for a better look. Inasmuch as the combatants were in period dress, the people couldn't tell one from another. "Is that the Czech wearing the armor?" asked one tourist. "No," replied another, "The Greek is in the armor. The Czech is in the mail."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 2:46 am

I hope you folks are enjoying these!!!! I'll keep'em coming!

vibemoon · Post by **vibemoon** » Wed Nov 17, 2004 11:41 pm

lovin' them. They supply my joke of the day email to my 200+ co-workers...

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:01 am

I'm glad I'm making somebody laugh! I'll keep'em coming!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:02 am

A man is sitting in an airliner which is about to take off when a man in a uniform and a Labrador Retriever sits down beside him. The passenger looks quizzically at the dog, and the official explains that they both work for the airline. "Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, the best there is! I'll show you once we get airborne." The plane takes off and the handler says to the passenger, "Watch this. Sniffer... search!" Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one Paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman Is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops a load on the floor. The passenger is grossed out. "What the hell is going on with this dog?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:03 am

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:04 am

"ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving? Call 1- 800-" 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. (did anyone else notice that there is no #8?)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:05 am

PREGNANCY Q & A! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. ------------------------------------------Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. ------------------------------------------Q: What is the most reliable method to determing a baby's (removed)? A: Childbirth. ------------------------------------------Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? -----------------------------------------Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. ----------------------------------------Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. ---------------------------------------Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. --------------------------------------Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. --------------------------------------Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. -------------------------------------Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:06 am

A woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could f*ck, he could fly."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:21 am

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as Preznit Dubya appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's (removed) I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, (removed) Cheney appeared on the television. "He's a horse's (removed) too," the man said. This time a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat. Climbing back up to the bar, the man said: "Damn! This must be Bush Country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "It's Horse Country."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:23 am

THINGS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN THE G.O.P.! 1. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. 2. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China is vital to a spirit of international harmony. 3. The United States should get out of the United Nations; our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. 4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. 5. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. 6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. 7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have (removed). 8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies ("that's old Europe") then expect their cooperation and money. 9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. 10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. 11. A President lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A President lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. 12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. 13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business, nor are (removed) Cheney's task force discussions with energy industry our business either. 14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. 15. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:24 am

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:25 am

The husband had finished his book, "Man of the House" by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The f*cking funeral director," said his wife.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:26 am

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?" The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?" The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:28 am

A man was hiking in the woods when he spotted another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against the trunk. "Are you okay, buddy?" "Shh!" said the tree-hugger. "I'm listening to the music of the trees." "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, not at all. Would you like to try?" "Well, maybe..." He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear tight against the trunk. The other guy then slapped a set of handcuffs on him, stole his wallet, watch, jewelry, and car keys, then stripped him bare naked and left. Hours later another man strolled by, saw this naked guy handcuffed to a tree and asked, "What happened to you?" As he related the sordid tale, the new guy just shook his head in sympathy, then walked around behind him, kissed his neck and whispered, "Honey, this just ain't your day!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:29 am

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?" He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:30 am

A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job." So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek." The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?" "Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:31 am

A woman goes to Dr Goldberg because she isn't feeling well. She returns home crying. "What's wrong?" her husband asks. "The doctor says I've got tuberculosis and I'm going to die yet." The husband calls the doctor for confirmation of the diagnosis. He returns to the wife. "Dear, you misunderstood... he said you have too big a tochus and you've got to diet."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:32 am

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about (removed). His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Later on, (removed) tapers off and as you get older, maybe once a month, then maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral (removed) now." "WHAT?!" the young man said, taken aback by his grandad's frankness. "Sure," says grandad. "She goes to her bedroom and yells: F*ck You! And I go to in my bedroom and holler back: F*ck you too!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:33 am

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen." God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:35 am

Little Billy came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:36 am

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f*cking (removed)." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more (removed) this month, I'm going to lose my f*cking car."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:37 am

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "...the balcony."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:39 am

Pregnant Lady! ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:40 am

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a (removed)?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a (removed)?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her (removed) in it.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 3:42 am

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business!"