ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:18 am

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But, five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I just figured out how condoms are made!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:19 am

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:20 am

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:23 am

Two drunks sweaty and exhausted, were walking along the railroad tracks one fine summer day when the first drunk said to the other, "Boy these steps are killing me." The second drunk replied, "It's not the steps that are killing me. It's the low railing."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:24 am

Boudreaux is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all 10 of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Boudreaux says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2004. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?" Furious, Boudreaux asks, "You tell me now, doctor, How was I supposed to pick them up?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:26 am

A man, exiting a grocery store, was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully by saying "Good Evening." Her face was beaming. At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are you?" look. He couldn't remember having ever seen her before. Then, she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized. She explained, "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children." She walked on her way into the store. The man was left staring dumbfounded after her. More than a bit puzzled, he thought to himself, "What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the father of her children look like." However, he was also a bit flattered that he might resemble one of her former suitors. But, also hoped that nobody overheard her saying that she mistook him for being the father of one of her children. A bit panicked, he then thought, "Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship? Could it be that I really fathered a child?" Still stunned, he walked to his car. He still did not realize, of course, that she was a fifth-grade teacher at a local elementary school.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:28 am

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "Just the Fitzpatrick twins getting drunk again!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:29 am

Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The question asked was, "Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant. In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant. In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant. In South America they did not know what 'please' meant. And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:31 am

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' (removed) is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's (removed) is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during (removed). After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's (removed) is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during (removed). When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's (removed) is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:32 am

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn't having nine babies a little much?" "Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air." "Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:33 am

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having (removed) many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his (removed)." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his (removed)." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:35 am

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your (removed) is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your (removed) is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your (removed) is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-(removed) grill for one little weenie?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:36 am

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "What's the 6-pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:37 am

Top 11 Reject lines given by women (and what they really mean): 11. I just got out of a bad relationship. (A relationship with someone like you!) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:38 am

Cop, after pulling a guy over: "Name, please." Motorist replies: "Aloysius Alastair Cyprian." Cop (putting ticket book away): "Well then... don't let me catch you again."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:39 am

A 70+-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed (removed) three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal." The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:40 am

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? A: She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:42 am

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a (removed), some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:43 am

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me" He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK now, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:44 am

Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On her way home, Bambi puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She sees everyone in the street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!" As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and they are still naked. Bambi then says: "Darn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:45 am

Ole decided to buy Lena a new car for her birthday. They shopped and shopped. Finally, Lena found one she liked. But before signing the papers, Lena looked at the car one more time. Suddenly, she bristled and walked away, saying she didn't want the car. She wouldn't even talk about it. On the way home, Ole said, "Vell, Lena, I tot yew liked dat car. Vat changed yer mind about it?" "Ole, I yust don't vant any car vit XL on it," Lena answered. "It's bad enuff having dat on my undervear."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:47 am

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:48 am

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?" "Flat on his (removed) over by the holy water," said the boy.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:49 am

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father!" One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Angela!" she replied.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:50 am

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:52 am

A young boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend!" Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:53 am

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:54 am

Q: Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? A: There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:55 am

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happen. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:56 am

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:58 am

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the nuns had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. The nun took the glass back to Mother Superior's bedside, and held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had downed the whole glass, down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die." Mother Superior slowly raised her head, and with a pious look on her face, said "Don't sell that cow."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:59 am

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come to him was Howard Stern. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?" "I've offended people all over the country." The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." Next was Bill Clinton. "What is your sin?" Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife." The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?" "Monica Lewinsky." The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 9:03 am

A.A.A.D.D. Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. Then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye, they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laughâ€¦if this isn't you yetâ€¦your day is coming! GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

vibemoon · Post by **vibemoon** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 9:42 pm

These are great! Keep it going. These make about 60 people at my job crack up all day long.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:17 pm

I'll keep'em coming!!!!A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hungup. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:18 pm

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:19 pm

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:20 pm

A blonde brags about her knowledge of American state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy... it's W!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:23 pm

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer aproached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen! I call the police for help,and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:24 pm

A friend of mine is a Police Officer here in town and he mentioned the other day that he actually had pulled Janet Jackson over once. I said, "Are you serious? Was she speeding?" He said, "Nah, she had a headlight out."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:25 pm

Finsterwank is at work and has a splitting migraine. He tells his boss about it, and asks to go home. The boss says, "Whenever I get a headache like that, I have my wife massage my balls while giving me head. It never fails to knock the headache out." So Finsterwank leaves. The next morning he is at work bright and early. The boss asks, "Did you try what I told you to try?" Finsterwank says, "Yes, and it worked great. And I must say, boss, you have a lovely home!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:26 pm

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:27 pm

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.- He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" Funeral Services are pending.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:30 pm

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer. "Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:32 pm

Boudreaux & Thibodaux were having a conversation about (removed). Thibodaux says, "Man, I did it three times las night with a 30 year old!" Boudreaux replies, "You're kiddin, I can't even do it once anymore, tell me your secret?" Thibodaux replies, "The secret is to eat lotsa that whole wheat bread." Boudreaux jumps up and rushes as fast as he can to the store. He tells the clerk, "I'd like six loaves of that whole wheat bread." The clerk says, "Thats a lotta bread Boudreaux, It'll probably get hard before you're done eating it all!" Boudreaux says, "Damn! Does everyone know about this, 'cept me?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:33 pm

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks, "What's this?" She replies, "A (removed)." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies, "A (removed)." He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says, "A pee-pee." He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a (removed)." She laughs and says "No it's not! A (removed) is ten inches long and black."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:34 pm

A lady named Myrtle walks into a Cadillac dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:36 pm

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs away. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?" The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:37 pm

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Ralphie, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldberg is?" A few minutes later, Ralphie returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that now she's angry with you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said that it's none of your business how old she is."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:38 pm

After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"