ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:56 am

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, "I...w...a...s .....a...l...m...o...s..t ...... m...a...r...r...i...e..d" The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!" The reply comes, "Y..e..s,...I....w..e..n..t.....t..o...a..... d..o..c..t..o..r...a..n.d h..e......t..o..l..d.....m..e....t..h..a..t.....i.f....I....s..p..e...a..k .....s..l..o..w..l..y... ...I....w..o..u..l..d.... n..o..t.....s.t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l,.....m..y.....f..i..a..n..c..e..e.....a..n..d....I...w..e..r..e.....s..i..t..t..i..n..g... ...o..n.....h..e..r.....p..o..r..c..h a..n...d.....t..h..e...d..o..g...w..a..s... s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s.... b..a..c..k....s..o..... I.....t..o..l..d....h.e..r...t..h..a.t w...h..e..n..... w..e.....a..r..e..... m..a..r..r..i..e..d,..... s..h..e...c..a..n......d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d.....t..h..e..n.. s..h..e... t..h..r..e..w..... ...t..h..e ... r..i..n..g.....i..n..... m..y.....f..a..c..e." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. "W..e..l..l, ...I..... s..p..e..a..k..... s..o..... s..l..o..w..l..y,..... t..h..a..t..... b..y..... t..h..e......t..i...m...e..... s..h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d .... a..t... t..h..e......d..o..g,..... h..e.....w..a..s.......l..i..c..k..i..n..g..... h..i..s.....b..a.l..l..s."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:57 am

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church. Having been told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. At the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S (removed) SHOWS! The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won! The paper read: PREACHER'S (removed) OUT IN FRONT! The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S (removed)! This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST (removed) IN TOWN! The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS (removed) FOR $10! This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN'S (removed) IS WILD AND FREE! The Bishop was buried the next day.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:59 am

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:07 am

A woman is walking a long the beech with her dog when she stumbles upon something that has washed ashore. It appeared to be an old oil lamp, and lo and behold, a Genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes!" said the Genie. "But beware! What ever you may wish for, your husband will receive ten fold!" The woman understood, and made her first wish. "First, I wish to be the most beautiful woman in the world," she said. The Genie replied, "Do you realize that your husband will then become the most handsome man, and he will be desired by every woman that sees him?" "I understand but it's ok, because I'll be the most beautiful woman and he won't be able to take his eyes off of me." KAZAM! And it was so. "Second, I'd like to be the richest woman in the world," she said. The Genie replied, "Do you understand that your husband will be 10 times richer than you?" "Yes," she answered, "but what's mine is his and what's his is mine, and that will be just fine. We'll be rich together." KAZAM! And it was so. "Now, for my third wish," she began, "I'd like to have a mild heart attack."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:08 am

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:09 am

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:10 am

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his (removed)."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:11 am

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have (removed). About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer... Get the hammer..." and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails... Get the nails..." and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb and yells, "F*ck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag... Get the bag..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:13 am

Sven and Lena were going down a dark and cold Minnesota backroad. The truck's heater didn't work, so they were bundled up and had blankets in their laps. Suddenly, Sven hit a skunk. Lena yelled, "Sven! Stop de trock! She got babies!" Sven stopped and said "Lena, ju chure good woman!" Lena got out and returned with three tiny skunks and put them in her lap. Then Lena asked, "Sven, day so cold! Vat ve gonna do?" Sven said "Lena, ju chure good woman! Put dem onder your blanket, between your legs! Day get varm, ju betcha!" Lena exclaimed, "But Sven, vat about de smell?" Sven replied, "Lena, ju chure good woman! I chure day get used to it!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:15 am

TOP TEN GREATEST CRACKER JACK PRIZES OF ALL TIME! 11. Brass knuckles! 10. Confederate one hundred dollar bill! 9. Schrodinger's cat! 8. authentic "Medal for the Defense of Stalingrad" from the Soviet Union! 7. Michael Jackson Nite-Lite! 6. Hollow tooth filled with cyanide! 5. Life-size wax replica of H. Ross Perot! 4. Mummified rat fetus! 3. Purple microdot! 2. rivet from the World Trade Center! 1. A kernal of genetically modified "feed" corn guaranteed to double your resistance to prorcine tuberculosis!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:16 am

An Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice shook as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard between the sheets!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:17 am

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:22 am

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to the HR (Human Resources) Department. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this application and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:23 am

Some "Senior" personal ads: FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:24 am

Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:25 am

Now I lay me Down to sleep. I pray the Lord My shape to keep. Please no wrinkles. Please no bags. And please lift my (removed) before it sags. Please no age spots. Please no gray. And as for my belly, Please take it away. Please keep me healthy. Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:26 am

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon." "Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?" "We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting." "Waiting for what?" O'Leary inquires. "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:27 am

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In Feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network inAustralia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:30 am

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had (removed) with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had (removed) with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?!" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:32 am

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "That might be okay for California or New York, but we're not having any of that crap in Kansas."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:33 am

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a filmlike substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather: "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted: "Coldwater! Go lay down!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:37 am

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:38 am

An IRS agent was interrogating the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the IRS." "The IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The IRS... and about once a year, they send us a little (removed) like you."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:39 am

A police officer is walking his beat on a Saturday night. He walks by a bar and fifteen feet away from it he sees two guys, obviously wasted, lying on the ground. The first guy has his pants down and the second guy is sticking his thumb up the first guy's (removed). The police officer, shocked, asks "What the hell are you doing?!" The guy with his thumb up the (removed) says "My friend here is really drunk, and I'm getting him to puke." "You won't get him to puke like that," the cop says. The guy looks up at the cop and says "Wait till I put my thumb in his mouth!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:40 am

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?!" "How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:41 am

A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?" she asked. "Herpes," replied the dog's owner. "How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?" "Because he won't heel."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:42 am

Why men are happier: Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000; tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood -- all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:43 am

Just some things to ponder on--- Can you cry under water? When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do they sell hotdogs in packages of 10, when they sell hotdog buns in packages of 8? What are you supposed to do with the extra hotdogs? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:47 am

Pope John Paul dies of old age and finds himself at the Gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the gate and asks, "Wadda ya want?" "I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of Godly work and thought I should check in here." The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here, just bring your stuff and we'll sort this all out in the morning." They go to an old World War II-style barracks, third floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk. The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He gets up and goes to a window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloudwalks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat sits a an Army Sergeant Major, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of booze in one hand, his arm around a voluptuous blonde angel. This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-At-Arms shack and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope, with 63 years of Godly deeds in an open bay barracks while this Sergeant Major, who must have committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can that be?" The Master-At-Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Sergeant Major before!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:48 am

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. He chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spent eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter. He chains her to another, even uglier man. The third woman is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to YOU for all of eternity?" To which the stunner replies: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:49 am

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Wait, let me guess... you've eaten my socks!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:52 am

There was this door to door salesman trying his best to make a sale. He walks up to a house, knocks on the door. A little boy opens it and the salesman says "Little boy, is your mama home?" Little boy replies, "Yes sir, she's out in the backyard having (removed) with a goat." Salesman says, "Little boy, are you lying to me?" Boy says, "No sir, mom's always in the back yard having (removed) with a goat." Salesman asks, "And this doesn't bother you?" "Na-a-a-a-a-ah."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:52 am

There was a painter by the name of Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin his paint to make it go further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. He went about erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with the turpentine. Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... Repaint! Repaint, and thin no more!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:54 am

An Indian boy had just been indoctrinated into manhood and his father promised to take him hunting. "One thing you have to remember is that we have had sightings of the Sasquatch around camp," the father told the boy, "so be mighty careful." Early the next morning his father awoke him so that they could get an early start. After walking out past the camp into the nearby woods the son noticed an awful smell. "Is it a sasquatch?" he asked nervously. His father did not reply and told him to be quiet as not to scare the animals. The smell gradually grew worse and the son again asked his father if it was a Sasquatch. His father just put his finger to his mouth in a shushing motion. Eventually the smell was unbearable and the son could not hold back any longer. "Father is that a bigfoot that we smell?" he asked impatiently. His father had become worried too by this time because he couldnâ€™t place the smell either. He made his son wait and went up ahead a little way and rounding a large boulder he came across one of the tribeswomen. She had her deerskin skirt hiked up around her waist and was relieving herself. Then it came to the father what the awful smell was and he smiled. He returned to his son and replied with a smile on his face, "Is not Sasquatch, is squaw snatch."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:55 am

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said: "I can't unnerstand how you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?" "Republicans, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that country club." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them SUVer's and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the livin **** out of 'em, and then eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a Republican, there ain't nothin' left but credit cards and a gun!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:56 am

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver. Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun running."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:57 am

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply. "Och, huv ye no got anything cheaper?" replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," said the dentist. "What about if you didn't use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $40," said the dentist. "Och! that's still a bit much, but you might as well go ahead and book the wife in for next Tuesday!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:58 am

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his (removed) cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other (removed) cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his (removed) cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his (removed), grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 6:59 am

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their (removed) life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital (removed) felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good Till The Last Drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three-Times-A-Day, Seven-Days-A-Week, Both Ways." Mom fainted.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 7:00 am

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?" The third piggy says: "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

esjones · Post by **esjones** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 7:20 am

Quote Â»Man goes to dentist, and dentist looks at the man's false teeth, and says, "this plate is all eaten away and corroded, How did this happen?" The man says, "Maybe its because my wife has been feeding us a lot of hollindaise sauce?". The dentist replies, "Of course, that sauce is full of lemon juice, and thats what ate away your plate, but I'll fix that. I'll make you a new plate out of chromium, because everyone knows there's nothing like being chrome for the hollindaise." Alternate punch line: "There's no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise."

ullbergm · Post by **ullbergm** » Sat Oct 02, 2004 10:11 pm

Quote, originally posted by ballrub Â»HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU IN 17 LANGUAGES: Swedish -- "Jag Alskar" funny jokes, btw, for swedish it should be:Swedish -- "Jag ÃƒÂ¤lskar dig"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:03 am

Thanks! I'm glad you guys are laughing at these! I'll keep'em coming to you tell me otherwise...

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:10 am

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the bloodless bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. A short while later a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal. The vampires then decided that they'd had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear the sound of someone singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened a little longer, they realize that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big crocodile in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies they'd disposed of. As they listened, the croc sang happily, "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:11 am

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. "Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb." "Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin." "With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries." The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty wire, not much stove pipe."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:12 am

A little old man shuffled.......slooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself............... slooooooowly.............painfully...........up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" No," he replied, "Arthritis".

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:14 am

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "How did your date go, dear?" "Wousy," said the girl.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:15 am

Thirty-four years ago, Everett Davis, a Tennessee Mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:16 am

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing down. Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters how men have to be told how to do everything. So she opens the window and yells, "You need more tail!" He shouts back, "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Oct 06, 2004 8:17 am

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?" The guide replied: "One."