ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Sep 17, 2004 10:16 am

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" "All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year." The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123," and suddenly he gets an erection just as the witch doctor said. His wife was facing the other way and turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Sep 17, 2004 10:17 am

Mary Had A Little Lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 4:51 am

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound... You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before. But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 4:52 am

An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their wedding night. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He told the clerk that it was their honeymoon, and that they wanted a very nice room. The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?" The Amish fellow thought about it a minute, and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 4:53 am

A man owned a small farm in Kansas. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "Aha!" the agent purred ominously. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You're talkin' to him NOW," said the farmer.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 4:54 am

The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago, it was 1959. A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 4:55 am

At Jean Chretien's retirement dinner, a reporter said, "Madame Chretien, your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A (removed)," replied Madame Aline Chretien. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and whispered, ..... "Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 4:56 am

A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local college. A young woman approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem troubled. Is something bothering you?" "No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature." The young lady said: "You should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had (removed)?" The colonel looked at her and replied, "1959." "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no (removed) since 1959, isn't that a little extreme?" "Oh, I don't know," said the colonel, glancing at his watch. "It's only 20:39 now."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 4:57 am

TOPIC: ARREST AT KENNEDY At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read my ellipse.' Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:02 am

One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service." The policeman is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen doughnuts waiting at his door. A lawyer goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door? A dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:03 am

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the 2 of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:04 am

Not many people know that Edison was an avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the west, he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light, even though the village had electricity in the homes. As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:05 am

Old Mr. Wong walks into the optometrist's office, and tells the doctor he's having trouble with his vision. The doctor brings him in and checks him out. After checking the results the doctor comes back and says "I have some bad news Mr. Wong, I'm afraid you have a cataract." "No, no, no" says Mr. Wong. "I drive a 'rinkin!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:06 am

This is the story of Onestone the Indian Brave. This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked & said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around & nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot & said, "Good morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her & took her deep into the forest. There he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion (& he was a bit winded himself). The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by & a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird was Blue Bird's cousin & was overjoyed when she saw Onestone (not knowing Yellow Bird's fate), hugged him & said, "Good to see you Onestone." Onestone grimaced, grabbed her & took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of the story? You can't kill two birds with one stone!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:08 am

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:10 am

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" Once more they all answered, "NO!" Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:12 am

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?" The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka." The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?" The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:13 am

A pirate walked into a bar and up to the counter. The bartender couldn't help but notice a large steering wheel with a parrot perched atop it sticking out of the pirate's pants. "Hey friend," the bartender said to the pirate, do you realize you have a steering wheel with a parrot on it sticking out of your pants?" "Yarrrrrr!" the pirate replied. "He's driving me nuts!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:14 am

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bathroom the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically: "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:15 am

There was a new preacher in town and he was going around getting acquainted with all of the people in town. He came to Eudell Ledbetter's place and came over, as Eudell was out in the front yard digging a post hole for a new fence. The preacher came up to Eudell and said, "Are you a Christian?" "No," Eudell said, "I'm a Ledbetter." The preacher looked back at Eudell and said, "Are you lost?" Eudell looked around and then replied, "Heck no, I ain't lost. I know right where I am. I've lived here all my life." Well the preacher was getting quite irritated by now and so he said, "Well then, are you ready for resurrection day?" Eudell says, "What day is it going be on?" The preacher says, "I don't know, it may be today, or it may be tomorrow." Eudell replied, "Well don't tell my wife, she'll want to go both days!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:15 am

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:18 am

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:18 am

Angelina says: "Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore." The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, is disa true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?" Giuseppi says: "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man. I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life: Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:20 am

A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their lovemaking. The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit. The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase. "Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try." At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:21 am

Little Johnny was participating in a spelling bee during class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said "EAR, E-A-R." Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a joint, and while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke, he passed the pretend joint to little Suzy, and said... "Ear."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:22 am

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called (removed)'s Revenge!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:23 am

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!" The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a (removed) yesterday I came three times."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Sep 20, 2004 5:24 am

ORDERING PIZZA... IN THE FUTURE! Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order." Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir." Customer: "The HSS, what is that?" Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time." Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then." Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your two dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also." Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday." Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge...Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society? Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2-liter of Coke." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"

rtapril · Post by **rtapril** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 6:22 am

Quote, originally posted by ballrub Â»This one I made up when I was 13 at the Interlochen International Music Camp in Traverse City studying piano with Van Cliburn: I guess I thought it was funny to say "testicles" when I was 13, too.- Bob

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 8:37 am

Yeah...but was it funny now? Is anybody else reading these? Please let me know...cuz how embarrassing would it be that I'm posting these just to make me laugh, eh? Just "chime in" now and then to let me know I'm not just wasting bandwidth, ok? Thanks.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:05 am

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:07 am

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she would wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck. Sure enough, a snow plow soon passed by, and she started to follow it. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Target next.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:08 am

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase "Tuti Homini."... Blessed be Mankind. A woman's rights group approached the Pope the next day to mention that he blessed all Mankind but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini."... Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Of course." The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:09 am

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and sat down in first class. A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat. She refused. The flight attendent was persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class." The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move. Another passenger who had witnessed the exchange asked the attendent, "How did you get her to move?" The flight attendent replied, "I told her first class doesn't stop in Detroit."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:10 am

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word " service. " The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Civil Service Service Stations Customer Service City/County Public Service And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull "service" a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:11 am

A woman went to her boy-friends parents house for Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman began to feel a little discomfort. Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains were almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boy-friends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp" The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she sh*ts on you!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:12 am

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:13 am

Three doctors are killed in a light plane crash and are standing in line at the Pearly Gates. The first doctor tells St. Peter, "I was just an ordinary sinner in life but I was also an orthopedic surgeon and I helped crippled children to walk again." "Your sins are forgiven," says St. Peter "and you can come in." The second doctor says "I was just an ordinary sinner in life but I was also a psychiatrist and I helped mentally disturbed people regain their sanity." "Your sins are forgiven," says St. Peter "and you can come in too." The third doctor says "I led a sinless life and left my medical practice to head up an HMO." "Then you can come in as well" says St. Peter "But you can only stay for three days, then you go to hell."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:14 am

A new employee was hired at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory. The manager explained her duties and told her to report to work promptly at 8 am. The next day the assembly line foreman tells the manager the new employee is causing problems. He says she's incredible slow and the whole line is backing up. They go down to the line to see the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of the fabric, wraps it around two marbles,and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:15 am

A lady was walking down the street to work, and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, as you can imagine, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "WOW lady, you are still really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird if the manager didn't take care of this problem. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady..." She stopped and said, "Yes?" The bird paused, then said, "You know."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:22 am

George Carlin's Views on AgingDo you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions."How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!That's the key.You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead."How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . and your dreams are gone.But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!HOW TO STAY YOUNG1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.4. Enjoy the simple things.5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

vibemoon · Post by **vibemoon** » Wed Sep 22, 2004 9:19 pm

I check this thread every day for a good laugh. I would post some of my own here, but the title says they are all yours and I did not want to hijack.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:46 am

As long as someone's getting a good laugh...that's all that counts in my book!A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has... whatever you do- don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him; making the pin and winning the match! The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard As I could." "So," the trainer exclaimed, "that's what finished him off?!" "Not really," came his reply. "But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:47 am

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" Yes, I am," she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" "Grape," she said.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:48 am

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it. He asked the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat. One hundred dollars for the story," said the owner. The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and they were following him down the street. This was disconcerting. He began trotting. Within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were squealing. He ran toward the bay. He looked around and saw that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, they were squealing loudly, and they were coming toward him fast. Scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and they all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha!" said the owner, "you have come back for the story!" "No," said the man. "I came back to see if you have a Bronze Republican."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:50 am

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from (removed) Glaucoma." Boss: "(removed) Glaucoma? What's that?" Employee: "I just can't see my (removed) coming to work!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:51 am

The young aggie rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:52 am

NEWS FLASH! - Austin, Texas----- Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150, piloted by two Texas A&M University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in College Station. A & M Corps Member Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:54 am

Real Newspaper Ads **3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred. ** Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. ** Vacation special: Have your house exterminated. ** Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00. ** Illiterate? Write today for free help. ** Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. ** Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. ** Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. ** Stock up and save. Limit: one. ** Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. ** Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale. ** For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. ** Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. ** We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. ** Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:55 am

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that f*ckin' map again."