ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

[ballrub]

Well...I'm kind of famous on several websites for my jokes, and felt it time to "bless" this site with my sometimes "off-color" humor.Just remember that these are jokes, and not intended to offend anyone (even though I'll be making fun of everyone!).So sit back, and enjoy a good laugh or two!This one I made up when I was 13 at the Interlochen International Music Camp in Traverse City studying piano with Van Cliburn: Twas the night of the Kings Castration. The King was celebrating his last ball. Seated behind the King were the Counts, and behind the Counts were the no-a-counts, packing camel turds because bullsh*t wasn't heard of in them days. Just then in walks Little David with his left ball strung over his right shoulder (the first known use of the "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder"). "Hole!" cired Little David. "Whole what?" asked the King. "(removed)-hole!" replied Little David which made the King very mad, so he threw Little David into the lions' den with only one box of chocolate flavored Ex-Lax. "I'll starve!" cried Little David. "You'll sh*t!" answered the King. Just then, a ferocious lion came up and scratched Little David on his left ball strung over his right shoulder. "Tickles!" yelped Little David. "What tickles?" asked the King. "Test-tickles!" was Little David's answer, which made the King very happy. The King called for Little David to come forth, but Little David couldn't come forth for he had slipped on a camel turd, so he came fifth. Little David picked up the camel turd and threw it at random. Well, by golly, Random ducked, and the camel turd hit the King in the face. "Oh sh*t!" yelled the King, and 40,000 loyal subjects stripped down to their iron-clad jockey straps and grunted twice 'cause the King's word was the law in them days. After the mess was cleaned up, the King asked Little David, "Where's the Queen?" Little David replied, "In bed with lambego!" "Why that Greek son-of-a-b*tch! I thought I threw him out last year!" shouted the King. "You did sire, but he's back again." replied Little David. "Oh f*ck the Queen!" shouted the King, and 40,000 loyal subjects were crushed in a mad dash to the Queens quarters 'cause the King's word was the law in them days. After everyone had their turn, the King walks in and says to the Queen, "Rollover!" The Queen replies, "I'll be f*cked if I do!" The King shouts, "You'll be corn-holed if you don't!" So the Queen rolled over, and they lived happily ever after!

[ballrub]

A squad of the 101st Airborne were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad when they came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was a fellow American paratrooper in a similar but less serious state and the trooper was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the trooper was asked what had happened and he replied: "I was heavily armed and moving north on foot along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier." "What happened then?" the medic asked. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of sh*t, and he yelled back that George Bush was a miserable piece of sh*t. We were standing there shaking hands when out of nowhere a truck hit us both!"

[ballrub]

It was a cold winter in the enormous, Norwegian forest. Yes, it was so cold that when you took a dump on the outdoor toilet, the sh*t would freeze before it hit the ground. So eventually, a large pyramid of sh*t piled up, and after a few months you couldn't take a dump because the sh*t-pile was too high. The norwegian peasant using the toilet wanted to get rid of the sh*t, but how? Well, one day he took some pieces of dynamite, drilled some holes in the sh*t-pile, inserted the dynamite, lit the fuse and ran like hell. After some minutes, there was an enormous "bang", and pieces of frozen sh*t started to rain down all over the place. The peasant walked back to the toilet, and to his horror he saw an arm lying on the ground. Some yards away, he saw a foot. "Darn", he thought, "maybe I should have checked if somebody took a dump before setting off the dynamite." And he shouted: "Hello? Hello? Anybody missing an arm or a foot?" And from a tree nearby a weak voice replied: "F*ck the arm and the foot, can you see a hand holding a (removed)?"

[ballrub]

THE APPRECIATED GIFT Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[ballrub]

John and Marie went to the same Baptist church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John,"said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done?!" thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you something. What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

[ballrub]

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of their White House tour, the guide asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guide said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, $100 profit for me." Then the guide asks the Chicago contractor how much. Without even going around to take a look at the job the contractor says: $2,700." The guide, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the guy from Chicago, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

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It is November, 2002, and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me." cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were problems. First, I had to get a permit for the construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over the fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor claimed I was violating zoning ordinances, so I had to get a variance. Getting wood was tough because there's a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement. When I started rounding up the animals, I got sued by PETA. Then the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Just then, the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "Does this mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," the Lord said sadly, "The government already has."

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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone. I'm married!"

[ballrub]

One day, a woodcutter was cutting the branch of a tree above a river -- when his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No, it is not." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "Sorry, that that is not mine." The Lord went down again and came up with a slightly worn and rusty iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later, the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the same riverbank, and his wife "fell" into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my dear beloved wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came back up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. You do not understand. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, then I knew you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would ! have come up with my wife." As woodcutter continued, "Had I then said 'yes,' then you would have given me all three. Lord, I am but a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT is why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story ... and we're sticking to it!

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The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma cuma first. Den I cuma. Den two asses cuma together. I cuma once-a-more. Two asses, they cuma together again. I cuma again and pee twice. Then I cuma one lasti timy." "You foul-mouthed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our (removed) lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouty sesso? I'm a justi tellin' my friendi how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Ariel Sharon is in Washington for meetings with President Bush. There is to be a state dinner; The first lady decides to bring in a special kosher chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At dinner that night, the first course is served and it is matzo ball soup. Bush looks at the bowl, and after learning what it is called he tells an aide that he can't eat such a grossly named, strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to ruffle any feathers, GW gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and ladles a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows -- and a grin appears on his face. He digs right in and finishes the whole bowl. "That was delicious," he says to Sharon. "Do the Jews eat any other parts of the Matzo or just the balls?"

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The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently. "For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife. "Is he a good husband?" "No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He doesn't help around the house, he's not good with the kids, and never had a steady job." "It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?" "Well," she explained, "we're out of bread."

[ballrub]

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

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The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

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Why We Love Children: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." ----------------------------------------A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" -----------------------------------------An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" ----------------------------------------One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." ----------------------------------------It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron." ----------------------------------------When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your (removed)?" ----------------------------------------A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." ----------------------------------------One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. ----------------------------------------A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." ----------------------------------------A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ----------------------------------------A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[ballrub]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a (removed)?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up! the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Johnny, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but now we know. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy. If you work too hard...there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference. If you cry............you're a wimp. If you don't........you're an insensitive *******. If you make a decision without consulting her......... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you...... she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination. If SHE asks you.........it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're a pervert. If you don't..............you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist. If you don't.................you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain. If you don't................you're a slob. If you buy her flowers.............you're after something. If you don't....................you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself. If you don't....................you're not ambitious. If she has a headache............she's tired. If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often.........you're oversexed. If you don't..........there must be someone else. Men die first because they want to.

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A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!"

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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boot's that fit!!"

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Q: What has over a million legs, but can't walk? A: Jerry's kids!

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Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? A: 100 people who don't do (removed).

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Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson? A: Michael Jackson has had more noses! Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book? A: The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing! Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in! Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A: "Get out of my son!" Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house! Q: What is black and comes in a little white can? A: Michael Jackson! Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A: From a catalogue! Q: What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10? A: Two 5 year olds! Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road? A: He saw someone blowing Bubbles and thought he'd join in! Q: When is it time for bed at neverland ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand! Q: What's Brown & Often Found In little Boys Underpants? A: Michael Jacksons Hand! Q: What Does Michael Jackson & K-Mart Have In Common? A: Little Boys Clothes Half-Off! Q: What do Michael Jackson & McDonalds Have In Common? A: Old Meat between young buns!

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Q: What happened to the newlywed couple who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty? A: All their windows fell out.

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Q: What are the Three Ages of Man? A: Tri-weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

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Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs, smoking? A: A paraplegic in a house fire!

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

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The story of the good Bishop A Bishop was walking in the wood, when he almost stamped a frog. The frog, sure enough, started talking and saying that he was not a frog, indeed, but a blond Prince which, due to a bad spell of a nasty witch, has been transformed into an ugly frog. "But, added the frog, if you take me with you, keep me next to you for the whole night and in the morning you kiss me on the mouth, I'll become again the handsome young blond prince I used to be." The Bishop, being a very pious and generous man, did not hesitate in taking the frog to his home and letting it rest on a pillow next to his own, in his bed. In the morning the good Bishop duly kissed the frog on the mouth and..voilà , the frog became a handsome, blond, young boy again , laying ,obviously naked , in the good Bishop's bed. This story seems almost incredible but is, however, the argument of the defense.

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God said, "Go down into that valley!" And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river!" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him. And then God said, "Go over the hill!" And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him. Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave!" And Adam said, "What's a cave?" and God explained that to him. Then God said, "In the cave you will find a woman!" And Adam said, "What's a woman?" so God explained that to him. Then God said, "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?!" And Adam said, "What's a headache?

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A male and female factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde. He proceeded to climb up to the rafters, and hang upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."

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let me know if you if you're amused or put off with these, `cuz I'll keep posting until you tell me to stop!

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HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU IN 17 LANGUAGES: English -- "I Love You" Spanish -- "Te Amo" French -- "Je T'aime" German -- "Ich Liebe Dich" Japanese -- "Ai ****e Imasu" Italian -- "Ti Amo" Chinese -- "Wo Ai Ni" Swedish -- "Jag Alskar" Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, OHIO, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky & parts of Florida (Including Bradenton) -- "Nice (removed). Get in the truck."

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Quasimodo is surprised to see Esmeralda come in carrying a wok, and says, "Are you cooking Chinese for tonight, then?" "No," she replies, "I'm ironing your shirts."

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A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!" Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time - "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls "He-elp!" The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!" The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE f*ckin' lost?!"

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Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. Just then the doorbell rang. Santa opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree, fat man?" And that's how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

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Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." Every year Edna would reply, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot happened to be standing nearby and overheard them, and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. After they land, the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but... oh hell, I thought... ten dollars is ten dollars!"

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Rudolph, from Russia, was a student studying in Minsk. At the end of term he was due to travel home to Moscow for the holidays, with his fellow students, by train. Whilst on the train and in need of refreshment, Rudolph's friend Vlad ordered some Brewskis from the refreshment carriage and gave them out to his friends on his return. Rudolph took one sip, stood up, slid the window open and leapt to his death to which one his astonished friends exclaimed... "of course- we forgot... Rudolph The Red Loathes Train Beer"

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A new teacher is having her students stand up and tell her their name so she can get to know them. "My name is Johnny Fukhauer," says one boy after standing up. "I won't tolerate such language in my class!" Miss Torch fumes. "Tell me your real name." "That is my real name," Johnny insists. "You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade classroom." The determined teacher marches across the hall and asks: "Do you have a Fukhauer in here?" "Hell no!" a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break!"

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These three gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other two are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. The first man tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend a brand new car as a gift." The second man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few week s has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the third man arrives at the tee, they tell him they have been discussing their kids and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last two boyfriends have given him a a car and a big pile of stock certificates."

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A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant when the waitress notices the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table. The man slides all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. The woman dining across from him appears calm, apparently unaware that her dining companion has disappeared. The waitress comes over to the table and says to the woman: "Pardon me, ma'am, but did you know your husband just slid under the table?" The woman calmly looks up and replies: "Actually, no. My husband just walked through the door."

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A guy with a speech impediment goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me ser?" "Yes, sir," replied the clerk. "Tould you tale me how mutsh yur Pisstasheos arr?" "Pistachios? They're six dollars a pound." "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr yur aahhmons?" "Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound." "SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man, "Welp, how bout yur pikanns?" "Pecans? They're on sale today...they're only four fifty a pound." "Welp...SSit...just div me a pownd of dose dhen." "Alrighty then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans. Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it." The clerk replies with a smile, "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that... I don't make fun of anybody, for anything! I don't know if you noticed or not, but I have a rather large nose." The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat yur noze? I tought dat wuz yur (removed), cauz yur nutz arr so damn high!"

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Man goes to dentist, and dentist looks at the man's false teeth, and says, "this plate is all eaten away and corroded, How did this happen?" The man says, "Maybe its because my wife has been feeding us a lot of hollindaise sauce?". The dentist replies, "Of course, that sauce is full of lemon juice, and thats what ate away your plate, but I'll fix that. I'll make you a new plate out of chromium, because everyone knows there's nothing like being chrome for the hollindaise."

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At the prestigious estate auction, bidding was intense and cutthroat. The room was filled with scowling men and women, each determined to exploit any advantage at the expense of another. Without warning the auctioneer paused the sale and announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $3,000." There was a moment's silence, and then from the crowd came the cry, "Three thousand five hundred!"

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Some serious thoughts about our present situation.... It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there. Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV we see photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there? The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place. Why are we still there? We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there? Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing. Why are we still there? Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes. Why are we still there? It will cost billions, which we can't afford, to rebuild,. Why are we still there? There are more than 1,000 religious sects. We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there? And to repeat. Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land. It is clear... We must abandon California!

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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch that whole day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back to shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

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There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. (You're gonna hate me for this...) "She sells C cells by the sea shore!!!"

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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"