ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

[ballrub]

Six Jewish friends got together every Friday night to play poker, nothing too rich, but not penny ante either. One night, Solly perked up like he had a pair of Kings wired, and then plopped down into his chips, dead -- heart attack! "Oy vey, poor Solly!" "Yeah, what are we going to tell his wife? She'll kill us!" "Let me handle her -- I know how to handle these sensitive matters, don't worry." (knock knock) "Yes, what is it?" "Dotty, you should know -- Solly dropped over $200 at a poker game last night, and he's afraid to come home and admit it. Is there a message I can give him?" "Message?!? Yeah, tell him he should DROP DEAD!" "Ok," shrugging, "I'll tell him."

[ballrub]

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing! "You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Steeler game from here?"

[ballrub]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a motel in Surrey. If he gets a 'Sorry, No Winner', he is destined to a life of driving cab in Edmonton or Calgary.

[ballrub]

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie soundtrack. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised that he will be notified when the movie is released. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. Embarrassed but interested, the musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. He hides in the last row next to an elderly couple. The film has explicit (removed) scenes: oral, (removed), sadomasochism and, near the end, a dog has intercourse with the leading female character. The musician, horrified, turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music." To which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog!"

[ballrub]

A young man in the military was stationed in Germany. One day, on a weekend pass he went to a bazaar and found an old woman selling quilts. The young man approached her booth and picked up a quilt. He then turned to the woman and asked "How much?" The woman replied, "$25 dollars American, but I must warn you, the quilt was made by a gypsy and has magic woven into it." Paying the woman no mind, he paid for the quilt, and returned to base. That night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he was extremely wealthy. The next morning mail call had a surprise letter for him. His wife had played the lottery and won $6 million dollars. The next night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he had (removed) with a beautiful woman that he had seen on the base. The next day, the base doctor (the woman in question) brings him to her office and has (removed) with him on the exam table. Excitedly, the next night, the man hurried to bed and dreamt that his (removed) reached his ankles. To his horror, he awoke to find his legs had shrunk to four inches long.

[ballrub]

A mafia don lays dying in his bedroom. He calls in his eldest son and says; "I want'a you have'a my prized chrome plated Smith & Wesson .38 revolver", as he hands it to his son. The son replies: "But Father, I don't like guns. Why don't you give me your Rolex watch?" The don says: "One'a day, your gonn'a own the business, your'a gon'na have a beautiful wife, a big'ga house, a coup'la bambinos. Some'a night, your gon'na come home and find'a you beautiful wife in bed with another man. What'a you gon'na do, point'a you watch and say time's up?"

[ballrub]

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. That was a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something! Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer. Remembered everybody's birthdays. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything! Me? I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks-out." "Wow! No wonder you remember him." said the passenger. "Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie. "Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger. "After he died, I married his wife."

[ballrub]

Q: What does a 90 year old beaver taste like? A: Depends!

[ballrub]

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant. The husband kept looking over at a nearby table where a lady sat in a drunken stupor. The wife asks "I notice you've been watching that lady for some time now. Do you know her?" "Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife, and has been drinking like that since I left her seven years ago." "That's unbelievable" the wife replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[ballrub]

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and he then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a terrific (removed) life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your (removed) life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[ballrub]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[ballrub]

A Mexican family was considering putting their Grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!" "And me? I haven't had (removed) for 35 years and they still call me the f*cking Mexican!"

[ballrub]

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink its time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son! Ain't dat great!" Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too." Ole got kind of puzzled by this, anthen the doctor said, "Holey Moley Ole, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the first try?" Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a damn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!"

[ballrub]

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

[ballrub]

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild (removed) with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat!"

[ballrub]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in the army for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment!" and then asks, "are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[ballrub]

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

[ballrub]

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing. The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, "How do ya feed yourself with that thing?!"

[ballrub]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, 0ne by one "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go (removed)." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

[ballrub]

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, but only if one of you makes love to me." The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly (removed)." The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "make love to me now!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, screws her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water. The friend replies, "F*ck the water, I want some more of that hot buttered corn!"

[ballrub]

TEN THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT: 1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?" 2. "Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off." 3. "You're just upset because your (removed) is beginning to spread." 4. "Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?" 5. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?" 6. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked." 7. "Whoa, time out. Football is on." 8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b*tch flakes this morning!" 9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?" 10. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

[ballrub]

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know -- she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how f*cking likely is THAT to happen?!"

[ballrub]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with massive breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, b*tch.'"

[ballrub]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "He's a very bad man. The detectives want to find him very badly." That's when Little Johnny asked: "Why the hell didn't you keep him when you took his picture?!"

[ballrub]

Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding which is just around the corner. The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding." The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?" "Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose."

[ballrub]

Q: Whats the difference between a woman and a computer? A: You only have to punch the information into a computer once.

[ballrub]

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself. After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

[ballrub]

A doctor is on a train and this pregnant woman gets on and sits down opposite him. As they travel the doctor is reading his newspaper and the woman takes out her knitting. As she is knitting, about every 20 minutes she reaches into her bag and pulls out a bottle of pills from which she takes one and swallows it. This goes on for about an hour when the doctor sees the label "Thalidomide" on the bottle. "Excuse me", says the doctor to the woman, "Do you know the effect that could have on your unborn child?" "Yes" says the woman "I never could knit sleeves."

[ballrub]

An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?" The chief made the same noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z... From the short-wave radio."

[ballrub]

Becky, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to visiting and helping the sick members of her congregation, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since Becky was on the way to see another patient and behind schedule, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she always had handy for needy patients. Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car which was decorated with many Hebrew decals and bumper stickers. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'm converting."

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A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with '(removed)'." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat (removed) it won't be Cheerios."

[ballrub]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[ballrub]

After the last child was born, the wife told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

[ballrub]

Why did the chicken cross the road? PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

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A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "that's what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays I play golf.

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A man is driving down a lonely road after several hours of driving and sees a sign on the roadway that says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

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George Carlin's New Rules For 2006 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have (removed) with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky *******s. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his (removed) will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the (removed) hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge (removed) hole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your (removed). And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

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There was this couple who had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would finally break him out of this crazy habit. So, the next night, while they were in the middle of a "romantic session", she reached over and turned on the lights. She looked down and, to her amazement, saw that her husband was really using a (removed) instead of his manhood. Well, she goes completely ballistic. "Why, you impotent b*stard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?! You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'LL explain the (removed)...if YOU explain the kids."

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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did!, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE! I'm sorry. What was your question?

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Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark: One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills". The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!" "It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

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A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

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A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no mattah... all same!"

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"TOWEL HEADS" Recently I received a warning about the use of this "politically incorrect" term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed by the Islamic Terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads are not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads". Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

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Rejected titles for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN:HIGH NOONER JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON TRUE, HE GRITS POLESMOKE THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE PAINT YOUR (removed) ON HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG THE WILD BRUNCH HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID VERY RAW HIDE LONESOME DOUG THE HOARSE SOLDIERS DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN MCCABE AND MR. MILLER A FISTFUL OF NED HI, PLAINS DRIFTER! THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES QUICKLY DOWN UNDER BAREBACK MOUNTING BONE-NANZA DON'T MESS WITH TEX' (removed) HOME ON THE RANGER OKLAHOMO ROOSTER COCKBURN LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE PRANCES WITH WOLVES BALONEY PONY RODEO TUBESTEAK COWBOYS

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BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN GROCERY LISTWEEK ONE Beans Bacon Coffee Whiskey WEEK TWO Beans Ham Coffee Whiskey WEEK THREE Beans Bacon Coffee Whiskey K-Y Jelly WEEK FOUR Beans Pancetta Coffee--espresso grind please Whiskey 2 tubes K-Y Jelly WEEK FIVE Some nice fresh Fava beans Jasmine rice Prosciutto--about 8 ounces, thinly sliced Medallions of veal--a pound at least Porcini Mushrooms A half pint of heavy whipping cream 1 Cub Scout uniform--size 42 long Five or six bottles of a good chardonnay 1 large bottle Astro-glide WEEK SIX Yukon Gold potatoes Heavy whipping cream Asparagus (only the freshest and thinnest spears, please) Eggs Lemons Gruyere cheese (aged, please) Walnuts Arugula Butter Olive oil Balsamic vinegar 6 yards white silk organdy 6 yards pale ivory taffeta At least a case of Chardonnay large tin Crisco

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A woman on a plane arriving from Switzerland found that she had bought too much, and would have troubles getting it all through customs on arrival. Finding herself seated next to a priest, she asked: "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course, my child. What can I do for you?" "Here is my problem. I bought myself a new, sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie." "You have such an honest face, Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions". And she gave him the gadget. When the aircraft arrived at its destination and the priest presented himself to customs, he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Good one, Father. Next!"

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

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An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says, "No". He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!" The priest says,"Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you please mind your language?" "I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's what this fish is called - a f*cker!" "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies. After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Look at this big f*cker, Bishop." Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house of God." "No, you don't understand", explains the priest, "that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this f*cker!" "Hmmm, you know, I could clean this f*cker and we could have it for dinner!" exclaims the bishop. So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior. "Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My lord, what language!" she says. "No, Sister," he explains "that's what the fish is called - a f*cker! Father caught the f*cker, I cleaned the f*cker, and we'd like you to cook the f*cker." Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that f*cker tonight." That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the f*cker!" the priest cries proudly. "And I cleaned the f*cker!" cries the bishop. "And I cooked the f*cker!" finished the Mother Superior. There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a cigarette, pours himself a whisky and says, "You f*ckers are alright!"