ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:46 am

God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the French asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested." So He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Jews asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." So the Jews said, "How much are they?" "They're free." the Lord replied. "We'll take 10."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:47 am

A pompous preacher was seated next to a Texas cowboy on a flight to Idaho. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendent mixed and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would also like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely attacked by a brazen (removed), than let liquor touch my lips." "Hold on there, little lady," said the Texas cowboy butting in as he handed his drink back to the flight attendant. "I didn't realize I had a choice!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:49 am

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done." The chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having (removed)." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:50 am

Spotted on a men's room door at an Outback Steakhouse in Tacoma, Washington: "If you voted for Bush you can't take a dump here. Your assh*le is in Washington."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:50 am

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women!" she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:52 am

Today is my daughters 18th birthday... I'm so glad that this is my last damn child support payment! Month after month, year after year, those damn payments! So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got here, I said to her: "Sweetheart, I want you to take this last check over to your mothers house and tell her that this is the last penny she's ever going to get from me then and then I want you tell me the expression on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her mother that very afternoon and she came back that very same evening much to my surprise! I was so anxious to hear what the b*tch had to say and what the look on her face was like. As my baby girl returned and walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:53 am

Q: Why does Preznit Dubya always wear neckties? A: Keeps the foreskin down!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:54 am

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. Itâ€™s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit. Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, â€œSomeone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.â€ The blonde then responds, â€œHow do you give shoulders?â€

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:56 am

Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home. They were about halfway home when both ladies decided that they needed to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they'd just have to stop there, as they couldn't wait any longer. Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or kleenex but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to 'just make do'! The first one decided to use her panties and then discard them. The second one had on new panties and not wanting to leave them behind grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: "You know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives. It seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her panties!" The other one responded: "Well, you're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her (removed) that read: We will never forget you... The Carboni Brothers."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:58 am

In a trial in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. She says I do. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked b*stards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 7:02 am

Subject: quotes by great ladies Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin ++++++++++++++++++++++++ A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor- ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt- ++++++++++++++++++++++++

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 7:05 am

TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED: By David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Mr. Johnson. 6. Elvis has left the building. 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. Men may be From Mars, but I can see something that rhymes with Venus. And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped ... 1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 7:06 am

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 7:07 am

Fred and Bill are working at the sawmill when Bill saws his arm off. Fred puts the arm in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the hospital. The next day, Fred visits Bill and finds him in rehab playing tennis. "Wow, the wonders of modern science," Fred says. On his first day back to work, Bill saws off his leg. Fred puts the leg in a plastic bag, and to the hospital they go. When Fred pays a visit the next day, he finds Bill playing football. "Wow, the wonders of modern science." Fred says. Back at work, Bill leans too far forward and lops off his head. Fred put the head in a plastic bag and they're off. The next day, when visiting, Fred finds no sign of his chum. "Where's Bill?" he asks a nurse. "We might have saved him," says the nurse. "But some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:33 am

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:34 am

Q: Where do women have the most curly hair? A: In Africa!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:35 am

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for (removed)." Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for (removed). I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for (removed)?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:37 am

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having (removed) ?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:38 am

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: "How the hell do you breath out of that?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:39 am

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we???"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:42 am

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:44 am

A man was riding along on a horse one evening when he noticed something shiny half burried in the dirt. When he pulled it out, it turned out to be a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. It told him that is would grant him 3 wishes. He couldn't believe that any of this was actually happening but made his wishes anyway. First he wished for a million dollars. Then he wished that his house would be turned into a mansion. Finally, he wished to hang like the horse he was riding. The genie said "granted" and disappeared. The man went home and discovered that his house was indeed a mansion. His wife then walked up to him and told him that she found an envelope with a million dollars on the doorstep. The man then walked into the bathroom to relieve himself, looked down, and said "HOLY Crap! I forgot I was riding Old Betsy!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:45 am

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates. The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:48 am

Paddy the Irishman goes to the Doctor with rear-end problems... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot." So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there's a Â£20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the Paddy's bottom ... and then a Â£10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks Paddy. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another ... until finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "Â£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:51 am

After moving to the sparsely populated bad lands of South Dakota, Ross did not see another human being for six months. One afternoon, he noticed a man on horseback approaching his property. Ross stepped outside to greet the visitor. "My name is Johnson," the rider said, "I'm your neighbor from a few miles west. I apologize for not stopping by sooner, but I'm having a party this Saturday night, and I'd like to invite you." "I"d love to come," Ross replied. "My parties are very wild," Johnson warned. "You can count on a lot of drinking, a lot of fighting, and a lot of screwing." "What should I wear?" Ross asked. "It doesn't much matter," Johnson told him. "It's just going to be you and me."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 7:52 am

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with long dark hair, long legs, firm tits, and a tight (removed). What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:02 am

A taxi driver goes to a bar to pick up his fare, a really drunk guy who has been in the bar way too long. After giving directions back to his house, he and the taxi driver are talking. The drunk guy leans forwards and says, "Hey taxi-dude! Think you got enough room in the front for a case of beer and a couple of burgers?" Taxi guy says "Sure! Not a problem." The drunk guy leans forward over the front seat goes, "BLLEEECCCHHHHH!!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:04 am

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." The doctor replies "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." The guy asks "Is it common?" The docotor replies "It's not unusual."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:05 am

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:06 am

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:07 am

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:08 am

A major law firm recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please as a courtesy, don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. A year goes by and finally the unthinkable happens; one of the secretaries is missing. So the head of the Executive Committee calls them into a meeting and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you and your performance. However, sadly, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For one whole year we've been eating attorneys and no one has noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:11 am

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend, well she was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two years of age, wore very tight mini skirts + very low cut Blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." .......The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:13 am

A man appears before the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks. "Well, I can think of one thing....", the man offers. "Once, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me!'" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:14 am

A Scotsman is sitting at a bar and a beautiful young woman sits beside him to find out what he wears under his kilt. "Why don't you just slip your hand up there and find out?" says the Scotsman. So she slides her hand up his leg. After making her discovery, she promptly whips her hand out and exclaims: "Sir! That's just gruesome!" The Scotsman smiles and replies "Aye lassie... and if you slip your hand up my leg again, you'll feel it grew some more!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:15 am

Q: How many canaries can you fit under a Scotsman's kilt? A: Depends on the size of the perch.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:16 am

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A: Because sheep can hear zippers.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:17 am

Q: How do Scotsmen find sheep in tall grass? A: Veeeeeeeery satisfying.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:19 am

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke. "Eeesa Bacon Tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa, hombre?" With his dying breath Pepe calls out: "Run, amigo, run! Eesnot a Bacon Tree... eess... a HAM BUSH!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:20 am

A guy is at his parents and he goes into the kitchen where his mother is stirring a pot of stew. "Uh, Mom?" He says nervously. "Yes dear?" His old mother says, stirring the pot. "I... uh... I got something to tell you." "What's that dear?" The guy sighs and takes a deep breath. "Mom, I want you to know...I'm gay." His Mom doesn't respond for a moment but tastes the stew. "Gay?" She says, "does that mean you let another man put his thing in your mouth?" "Er... yeah, yeah it does Mom. Sometimes." She thinks about this for a moment then suddenly WHACK, smacks him across the head with the ladle and says; "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my stew again!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:21 am

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young fellow fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you hoping for?" The bright, young, engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on your benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?!" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:22 am

A West Virginia man went to the doctor and said: "It's time I got my daughter on the birth control pills." "But Cletus," said the doctor, "she's awfully young! Is she sexually active?" "No," Cletus replied. "She just lays there like her mother!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:23 am

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner. "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:25 am

Sven and Olaf worked together in a factory and both were laid off. So dey went to the Unemployment Office togeder. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?", yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says, "yah, DIESEL FITTER!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:27 am

Q: What would California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger say if he wanted to use a credit card to pay for a speghetti dinner he's just eaten at a restaurant owned by the woman who played the character of Lilith on the NBC sitcom Cheers? A: (in your best "Ah-nold" accent) "Pasta la Visa, BÃ©bÃ©!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:28 am

A tourist is directed to the red light district and he goes up to the appropriate door and knocks. A small sliding peephole opens and a pair of eyes appear as a female voice says "what do you want?" "I wanna get screwed." The guy says. The eyes peer left and right checking the street but it it's all quiet. "Fifty bucks." The man pulls out the money and hands it through the peephole which slides shut. He waits. And waits. And waits. Nothing. So he knocks on the door and the peephole opens up. "I wanna get screwed." He repeats. "What, again?" Says the voice.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:30 am

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:30 am

Q: How do you get 50 cows in a barn. A: Put a Bingo sign above the door.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:32 am

Disturbing Beer News! Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Gained weight. 2) Talked excessively without making sense. 3) Became overly emotional. 4) Couldn't drive. 5) Failed to think rationally. 6) Argued over nothing. 7) Had to sit down while urinating. 8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 12, 2005 8:34 am

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your (removed) life?" Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your (removed) life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your (removed) life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no (removed) life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."