ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 8:57 am

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button." The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your (removed) is under your pillow."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 8:59 am

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male of female?" "Female, please." "Would you like Black, or White?" "White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man and he replied: "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!" "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:00 am

In 1878 the US cavalry imported 30 Camels for use in the deserts of New Mexico and Arizona. However no one could ride the vicious critters except the teenage daughter of a Navaho chief, who seemed to have a way with the beasts. The general asked her father what her secret was. He was informed that she was: "The squaw that stroked the camel's sac!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:01 am

A popular preacher announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave so Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds. Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause. Ms. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him (removed)!!" There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said: F*ck him!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:02 am

This truck driver sat eating his burger and softdrink in a truckstop, when ten Hells Angels walked in. They walked up to the truck driver, started eating his lunch and drinking his Coke. The truck driver just stood up and walked out. The Hells Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said, "He wasn't much of a man was he?" "No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a truck driver either, he's just backed over ten motorcycles out there in the parking lot just now!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:03 am

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The Babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:04 am

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam." "Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a (removed)!" "I just got here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:07 am

New Drugs for Women . . . DAMITOLTake two of these and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to eight full hours. FLIPITORIncreases life expectancy when commuting by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. BUYAGARAInjectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of the spending spree. PEPTOBIMBOLiquid silicone drink for single women. Two caps full swallowed before an evening out increases bust size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROLWhen taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. NAGAMENTWhen you just don't have the energy, administer adequate dose to your boyfriend or husband. Provides the same irritation level as nagging him yourself. ANTI-TALKSIDENTA spray carried in the purse to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories. ST. MOMMA'S WORTPlant extract that treats a mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. MENICILLINPotent anti-boy-otic. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?" EMPTYNESTROGENSuppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:10 am

Subject: Introduction During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students : "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies : "Wait a minute, I'm going for a (removed)." The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant." And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out..

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:38 am

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 9:39 am

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris leaves his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon May 09, 2005 2:10 am

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon May 09, 2005 2:11 am

What is Old? "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon May 09, 2005 2:12 am

Don was sent to prison. He got along well with his fellow inmates, and with the guards, and even the warden liked him. Deciding that Don deserved to learn a trade, the warden arranged for him to become a carpenter. After several years, Don was earning recognition as one of the best carpenters in the area and would often be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs, always reporting back to the prison by the end of the day on Sundays. One day, the warden called Don into his office and asked if he would build a set of kitchen cupboards and fit the revamped kitchen for a new countertop, which he had promised his wife. "Gee, I sure would like to, warden," Don told him, "but counter-fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon May 09, 2005 2:13 am

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 2:32 am

The Moods of a Woman An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose. She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk. At times she'll be vengefull, merry, and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. ........The Moods of a Man Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 2:33 am

Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his (removed). "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?" "I cannot", lamented the first Arab; "It is permanently stuck in my (removed)." "I do not understand," said the other. The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came oozing out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No sh*t."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 2:34 am

An old man and a young man are travelling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 2:35 am

After many years of not seeing each other, two old friends met for a drink. John had attended college and was very successful. Sam had not attended college and never had much ambition or much of a work ethic. John asked his friend, "How has everything been going for you?" Sam replied, "Well, one day I opened my Bible at random, closed my eyes, and put my finger on a word. That word was 'oil', so I invested in oil and made a fortune. One day I decided to try that again, so I put my finger on a word and it was 'gold.' I invested in gold and the mines really produced. Now I'm as rich as Rockefeller!" John was so excited by his friend's story that he rushed back to his hotel, grabbed the Gideon Bible out of the bedside table, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes to find his finger resting on these words: "Chapter Eleven."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 2:36 am

A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?" The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 2:37 am

A first grade teacher decided to take her class on a field trip to the ocean, since even though they lived in Maryland, they were in the western-most part of the state, and many of the children had never seen the ocean. After arriving and herding her charges onto the boardwalk, the kids all pretty much stood in silent awe at the scene. The teacher noted with dismay though that there was a lot of debris washing up onto the beach and even some large pieces of driftwood crashing in the surf. Finally after a long period of silence, one little girl spoke up, "Mrs. Harris, don't they ever flush it ?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 2:38 am

They are now selling Kosher computers called a DELLSHALOM. Mine arrived yesterday. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games). Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt." The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels." The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours. The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus." The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!" Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner. I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that." When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with a "You want I should fix this" message? When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!" There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen." "Year 5761-5762" issues have replaced the Y2K problem. If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself." When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?" When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die." And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:33 am

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya two years ago?" She replied "Aye, that you did, Father." "And be there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she. "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya." "Oh, thank ya, Father." And away she went. Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "Have you any little one yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - oh yes, ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful!" he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?" "Oh," she said, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' bloody' candle."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:34 am

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right and don't forget it," said the husband. "I'm the man in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:35 am

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a (removed)!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger breasts, you'd be a ten!!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:36 am

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:38 am

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuzzy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:39 am

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his furious wife and was bombarded for his actions with an angry tirade for over two hours. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which the husband replied: "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by and he didn't see his wife. Wednesday came and went with the same results. Finally on Thursday the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:44 am

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, sits down clumsily in the Confession Box, and says nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting, and waiting. After a while, the patient priest coughs to attract the drunk's attention, but still there is only silence. The priest raps on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin', pal, there's no paper in this one either.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:45 am

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replied. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband. "Damned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go (removed) in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:46 am

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:47 am

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:48 am

Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: They are easier to keep amused.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:49 am

A little old lady from Ohio had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk... with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940s or 50's???) she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it.... Here is her entry: Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no sh*t to haul no buckets to wash, no hay to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a-b*tch!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:53 am

Jesus, Saint Peter and Saint Andrew decide to take the weekend off from heaven and have some fun in Swinging London. So they materialize in Piccadilly Circus in the heart of Soho at 10.30 Friday night, visit a few bars and night clubs, then, encouraged by the plentiful supply of available females, agree to split up and meet at the same spot Sunday evening. Sunday evening comes around, and there they all are, of course discussing how they got on. "It was terrific," says Peter. "I met this gorgeous redhead who took me back to her place, cooked me a great meal, gave me all the booze I could handle and performed in bed like you wouldn't believe. I only left her place half an hour ago. Wonderful! How about you guys?" Andrew says, "Pretty good, but you should have seen this brunette I picked up. Took me to the casino, helped me win more than I can ever spend, then took me home, called three girlfriends and we had the most fantastic group action you can imagine." Meanwhile Jesus is standing there not saying much. "Well then, J.C., how did you do?" Peter asks. "I don't want to talk about it," he replies. "Come on, you must have scored!" says Andrew. "What happened?" "Oh, well, if you must know," says Jesus, "I met a beautiful blonde in a bar. Genuine, too, not bottled, as it turned out. Fabulous figure, nipples like chapel hat-pegs. She was all over me, but it was awful." "Why?", ask the disciples. "Well, she was totally willing, absolutely panting for it, but every time I touched her p*ssy, it healed up!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 8:54 am

A little guy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for a single scoop of chocolate on a cone. the store owner says, "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of chocolate today, would you like to pick another flavor?" The little guy says "Never mind", and walks out. Five minutes later he's back and asks, "Can I have a double scoop cone?" The store owner says, "Sure, what flavors would you like?" The little guy says, "I'd like one scoop of vanilla and one scoop of chocolate!" The store owner replies, "Like I told you last time, we're out of chocolate." The little guy shakes his head, "Never mind", and walks out. Five minutes later and he's back, "Could I have a triple decker ice cream cone?" The store owner warily asks, "Ooookay, what flavors would you like?" "I'd like one scoop of vanilla," the little guy cheerfully announces, "one scoop of strawberry, and one scoop of chocolate." The store owner stares at him and asks, "Can you spell the "van" in vanilla?" "Sure," replies the little guy, "V-A-N!" The store owner continues, "Can you spell the "straw" in strawberry?" "Yeah," says the little guy, "S-T-R-A-W!" "And," asks the store owner," can you spell the "f*ck" in chocolate?" Baffled, the little guy responds, "There's no f*ck in chocolate!" The store owner yells back, "That's right! THERE'S NO F*CKIN' CHOCOLATE!!! Now get the hell out of here!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 9:02 am

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, Doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, no, everything was fine. Are you sure? she asked. I'm sure, I said. Isn't there anything I can do for you? she wanted to know. I reckon not, I replied." "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 9:03 am

A young woman says to her doctor, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks that I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" "Medically, not really," the doctor replies. "Try this: On your wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed slide a thick rubber band around your upper thigh. When your husband enters you, snap the rubber band and tell your husband it's your cherry popping." On the wedding night, the new bride undresses in the bathroom and slips the rubber band around her thigh. She and her husband begin to make love. As her husband enters her she snaps the rubber band right on cue. "What the hell was that?" the husband asks. "That was my cherry snapping," the bride says. "Well, snap it again," her husband yells. "It's got my balls."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 9:05 am

As the guy sits in the bar, the old man at the piano plays so beautifully that the guy is nearly moved to tears. When he's finished the guy approaches him and says, "That was wonderful. Who wrote it?" The pianist replies, "I did. It's called 'I love to shove it up the wife's (removed) and then come all over her tits.'" "Hmm, well, I don't know about the title," says the guy, "but you play superbly. Look, I'm holding a party for my wife's birthday next week and I'd like you to play for us. There's 200 dollars in it for you." The pianist agrees and at the party he sits down at the piano. But his playing is dreadful - out of time, bum notes, the lot. The guy who hired him rushes up and says, "What the hell's wrong? In the bar you were brilliant, but this is terrible!" "I'm very sorry," answers the piano player, "but it's early and I'm in a strange place and a bit tense. I normally loosen up before I play by jerking off." "Is that so?" says the host angrily. "In that case there's a few girlie magazines in a cupboard in the bathroom. Go and sort yourself out, then come back and earn your fee." Off goes the old musician, and ten minutes later he gets back to the piano and plays with the same magical touch as in the bar. The guests are enthralled but also a bit embarrassed. One lady goes up to him and whispers, "Pardon me, but do you know your (removed)'s sticking out of your fly and there's come all down your pants?" "Know it, lady?" he says proudly. "I wrote it!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 10, 2005 9:06 am

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:29 am

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up from the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!" The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended." The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?" "Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!" "Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true." So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?" The Newfie says "What For?" The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the Lobsters." The Newfie says, "What Lobsters?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:30 am

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said... "Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:32 am

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the center of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table it is an old retired cowboy. Without warning, the old cowboy unzips his pants, whips it out and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same"Don't Miss the Amazing Texan." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table The now even more elderly Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," says the Texan."My eyes aren't what they used to be."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:35 am

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: ROOAARR!!! I tell you, I sh*t my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have sh*t my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said ROOAAARR!!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:36 am

Q: Heard about the new tinsel covered tampax? A: Only available for the Christmas period!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:36 am

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam says, "Tell me the good news first." God says, "I'm going to give you a (removed) and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect." Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?" God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:37 am

A man goes to see the Rabbi.. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said, "yes", and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:43 am

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:43 am

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No, at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants (removed). Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman..."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 11, 2005 6:44 am

A duck walks into a hardware store one day. The owner says, "hi, how can I help you?" The duck replies, "do you guys have any grapes?" The surprised store owner replies, "no i'm sorry we're a hardware store, we don't sell grapes." "O.K. thank you" the duck says and leaves. The next day the duck returns and again asks the hardwarestore owner, "do you guys have any grapes?" "No, i'm sorry. But I told you we don't sell grapes," the the owner says. "O.K thank you" and the duck leaves. The following day the duck returns and again asks for some grapes. Irratated the hardware store owner yells, "LOOK ASSH*LE, I'VE TOLD YOU TWICE THAT WE DON'T SELL GRAPES, THE NEXT TIME YOU ASK ME THAT STUPID QUESTION I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR F*CKING FEET TO THE FLOOR!!" The duck apologizes and leaves. The next day the duck returns to the hardware store goes to the owner and asks, "do you guys have any nails?" The store owner says, "I'm sorry but we're out of nails." The duck smiles and asks, "do you guys have any grapes?"