ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:26 am

Amy marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The Artificial Insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the Artificial Insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!" Terribly impressed by what seemed to be such a dizzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:13 am

A Pakistani arrives in New York City. All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and..." The person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Mexican." The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..." Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: "I no be American, I be Turk!" The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." "But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American." "But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "Then, where are the Americans??" The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they don't get off work 'til five o'clock!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:14 am

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either...

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:15 am

The owner of a gas station in the Deep South tries to boost sales by posting a sign that reads, "Free (removed) with fill up!" Before too long, two rednecks pull in. The driver gets out, fills his tank, and then inquires about the (removed). "Pick a number between one and ten," the owner says. "If you guess correctly, you win free (removed)." The buyer thinks for a bit and then finally guesses eight. "No, but you were close." the proprietor says. "The number was seven. Sorry, no free (removed) today. Maybe next time." As the two men pull out, the driver says to his buddy, "You know, I think that game is rigged. I bet you he doesn't really give away free (removed)." The passenger replies, "No Billy Ray, it ain't rigged--my wife won twice last week!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:17 am

Bob marries a virgin, and when the big moment arrives, he gets naked, jumps into bed and starts groping. "Robert!" the new wife shrieks. "I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." Bob calmly backs off and says, "OK. Will you please pass the p*ssy?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:18 am

Proudly showing off his new apartment to some friends late one night, a drunk leads the way to his bedroom where there's a big brass gong. "What's with the gong?" one of the friends ask. "That's no gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" the friend asks. "Watch..." the drunk says. He picks up a hammer, pounds the gong as hard as he can and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "You *sshole, it's 10 past 4 in the morning!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:19 am

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and begins punching his hand with his finger as if he's dialing a push button phone. "What are you doing, pal?" the bartender asks. "I had a phone implanted in my hand because I was tired of carrying one around all of the time." the mans answers. "Try it!" The man dials a number and puts his hand up to the bartender's ear. When the owner of the bar across the street picks up, the barkeep can't believe it. "Amazing, eh?" the man says. "Now, where's your men's room?" The bartender directs the man to the bathroom, but when he doesn't return for 40 minutes, the barkeep decides to go check on him. When he opens the door to the men's room, he sees the man is standing spread-eagled against the wall with his pants pulled down around his ankles and a roll of toilet paper haflway shoved up his *ss. "My God, man" the bartender yells. "Were you mugged?" The man turns around and says, "No, I'm fine. I'm just waiting for a fax!"

bud_one · Post by **bud_one** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:21 am

classic....

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:56 am

Based on recent current events, this is provided to you all as a public service... FREE LIVING WILL FORM! I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma. Under no circumstances shall any politicians (removed) into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell. Signature ____________________________________ Witness ____________________________________

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:58 am

A man was visiting his wife in the hospital, where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast, instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife, also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral (removed), saying he will wait outside, as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a ghost and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies, "She choked!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 2:59 am

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." The owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable! the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 3:00 am

An anteater walks into a bar and says that he'd like a drink. "Okay," says the bartender. "How about a beer?" "No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o," relies the anteater. "Then how about a gin and tonic?" "No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o." "A martini?" "No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o." Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "Hey, listen buddy, if you don't mind me asking - why the long no's?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 3:01 am

Two kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with a hard on. Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off the donkey's (removed) and began brandishing it in the air. Just then a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and the boys not wanting to be caught with it tossed it over the wall of the Nunnery. Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll found the (removed) in the bushes. "Oh sweet Lord!" says Sister Agnes. "What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary. "You've gone as white as a sheet." "It's those dirty protestant b*stards!" Sister Agnes replies. "They've murdered Father O'Toole!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Apr 08, 2005 3:02 am

Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 9:08 am

A Kansas Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well, said the farmer, is yer Mom here?" "No, sir she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "He went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 9:09 am

A bloke gets pulled over by a cop. "Please blow into this bag, sir." "Sorry, I can't do that... I'm an asthmatic." "Well, sir, how about a blood sample?" "No, sorry, I'm a haemophiliac, can't allow that." "OK, we'll have to make do with a urine sample then." "Sorry officer, can't help you there... I'm diabetic." "Fine, sir, no problem. I'll just have to ask you to step out of the car and walk along the white line on the side of the road." "Sorry officer, no way can I oblige you there." "And why not, sir?" "Because I'm drunk as hell!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Apr 11, 2005 9:09 am

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Apr 18, 2005 9:30 am

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. (Excellent idea) 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 11:59 am

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their (removed) to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:01 pm

One late night, Mark came out of the local pub a little drunk. He got into his pickup and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of the road when, all of a sudden, a piston blew right through the engine hood! Mark got out of his truck, angry as hell and kicked the door out of sheer frustration and started walking down the deserted road. About twenty minutes later, a pickup loaded with guys riding in the back came along and stopped. One of the men yelled, "Hey man, what happened?" Mark replies, "Piston broke." The man calls back, "Oh hell, buddy! We're all pissed and broke. Get in the f*ckin' truck."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:02 pm

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:03 pm

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too; but on this particular morning Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell wasn't ringing at all. Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a ringin'. The pullets hearing the roosters coming would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and head for another one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the County Fair. Brewster was a sensation. The judges not only awarded him The No Bell Piece Prize, but also The Pullet Surprise.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:04 pm

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches. Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:05 pm

Three preachers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned. The next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went. Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and whang! Down the chute went the Methodists. The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good for us Fanny."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:06 pm

An honest lawyer, a crooked lawyer and Santa Claus were seated around a table in the center of which was $10,000. The lights went off. When the lights came back on, the $10,000 was missing. Who took it? Answer: The crooked lawyer. Because the other two don't exist.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:07 pm

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...... - - There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. - - Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer............................He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses." If you got this wrong - please pack up your things, turn off your computer and call it a day.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:10 pm

Why Beer Is Good For YouSome of the reasons I drink beer: Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. ~Babe Ruth ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~Lyndon B. Johnson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --- ~Paul Hornung ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. ~H. L. Mencke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! ~George Bernard Shaw ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ~Dave Barry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE (removed) SINCE 3000 BC! ~W. C. Fields ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember, "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ~Professor Irwin Corey ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! ~Leo Durocher ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is the best one! ( Finally a theory, that makes sense ) One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:20 pm

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?", she asked. "Hunting flies.", he responded. "Oh. Killed any?", she asked. "Yep, three males and two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell their (removed)?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sun Apr 24, 2005 7:48 am

Ever wonder why... ...you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ------------------------------------------------------- ..."abbreviated" is such a long word? ------------------------------------------------------- ...doctors call what they do "practice"? ------------------------------------------------------- ...you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? ------------------------------------------------------- ...lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? ------------------------------------------------------- ...the man who invests all your money is called a broker? ------------------------------------------------------- ...there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? ------------------------------------------------------- ...Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? ------------------------------------------------------- ...they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? ------------------------------------------------------- ...they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ? ------------------------------------------------------- ...sheep don't shrink when it rains? ------------------------------------------------------- ...they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? ------------------------------------------------------- ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? ------------------------------------------------------- ...they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sun Apr 24, 2005 7:50 am

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). ------------------------------- On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) ------------------------------- On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) ------------------------------- On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). ------------------------------- On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! ------------------------------- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) ------------------------------- On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) ------------------------------- On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) ------------------------------- On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) ------------------------------- On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) ------------------------------- On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ------------------------------- On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) ------------------------------- On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) ------------------------------- I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." ------------------------------- On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sun Apr 24, 2005 7:52 am

Political correctness when speaking about the sexes... HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE." 3. She is not a "SL*T" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED." 7. She does not get "DRUNK" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED." 8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED." 9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED." 11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR." 12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS." 6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL." 7. He does not act like a "TOTAL (removed)" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY." 9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED." 10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sun Apr 24, 2005 7:54 am

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Kansas Television Network (KTN) is planning to do it's own show entitled: "Survivor... Kansas Style". The contestants will start in Wichita, travel west to Pratt, Garden City and up to Colby. From there they will head over to Hays, down to Great Bend, up through Salina and then on to Concordia. They will then proceed to Marysville down to Topeka, then south to Fort Scott and Pittsburgh west through Independence, Arkansas City, Wellington and back up to Wichita. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a New Jersey license plate and large bumper stickers that read "I'm a Vegetarian", "NASCAR Sucks", "Go Duke", Copenhagen is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2008", "Deer Hunting is Murder", "Say No to Budweiser", and "I'm here to Confiscate Your Guns". The first one who makes it back to Wichita alive wins.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:18 am

The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush to honor his achievements. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. After a month's testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings: 1. The Stamp was in perfect order. 2. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. 3. People were spitting on the wrong side.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:19 am

A lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says. "You will laugh at me." Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of me!" The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:20 am

OlÃ« was pacing the expectant Father's waiting room, waiting for news on Lena and the baby. The doc came out and told Ole he had a son and all was well - he could see his son through the nursery window. OlÃ« went to the window and asked to see the Olsen baby. The nurse looked surprised and asked if he was sure he wanted to see the baby before seeing Lena. "Someting wrong wit the baby?" he asked. "No, the baby is fine." the nurse replied. "Vel bring him over so I can see him." The nurse did so and, lo and behold, she held up the cutest little black baby you ever saw. Upon seeing him, OlÃ« got a big grin on his face and said: "Oh, dat Lena, she burns everyting!!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:25 am

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi! You're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. "Hey! I said you're losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. The blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "You idiot! I'm telling you that you're losing some of your load!" "Lady," he says, "this is a salt truck."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:28 am

Little Tommy was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mum looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math! She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well, then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't f*cking around."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:29 am

A sheep herder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the bush. He found a saloon and approached the bar tender. He told the bartender "I need a woman." The bartender said, "There are women all over San Antone for a price." The sheep herder replied, "Just any woman won't do. I ain't f*cked nothin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten years. They got cockle burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their p*ssy and my old (removed) is tough with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece of (removed)." So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest broad in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender picks up the phone contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells the sheep herder to go on up. The sheep herder gets a small ice bucket with two Lone Star long necks (the favorite brew in San Atone), and proceeds up the stairs. When he gets to the room he says, "The barkeep told me you are the toughest broad in town." The lady is livid, and says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a b*tch. I'm the toughest broad in Texas, and probably in the whole United States." Excitedly, the sheep herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking for. He then turned and leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the coffee table. Just then, the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over and grabbed her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the eyeball. A bit surprised, the sheep herder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're tough, but I don't wanna do ya that way." To which the wench replies, "I thought you wanted to open your damn beers."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:31 am

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her: "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:32 am

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. ...Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:32 am

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:33 am

Golfer's Wedding Night A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin -- in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together ... an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies.. "Look at this, . still in the CRATE!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:34 am

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. Well, cowboy," says the genie.. "You know how I work. You have three wishes." I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:35 am

Bill was less than grateful when his urologist recommended he give up (removed) completely, if he was to beat a rare-but-lethal chronic fatigue disease. "Give up (removed) completely?" he shouted. "I'm a young buck. How can you expect me to just go cold turkey?" "Get married and taper off gradually," the doctor prescribed.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:36 am

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:37 am

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal. "Hey that's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?" "Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river." "How did you do that?" asked Donal. "Well, Andrew here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them." They thank the Englishmen for the tip and continue on. "We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal. They get to a bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs. After about twenty minutes Michael begins screaming â€œQuick pull me up, pull me up!" "Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal. "No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Apr 30, 2005 4:38 am

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in (removed)."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 8:53 am

WOMEN'S (removed) SIZE STUDY There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their (removed) is too fat... 10% of women think their (removed) is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 8:56 am

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The officer asked, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The officer said, "I see you are from Philidelphia. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat May 07, 2005 8:56 am

It's sheep shearing season in Australia. In Victoria, a sheep shearing station starts hiring shearers to handle the extra volume. They come from all around Australia, from Queensland, from Victoria, from the Northern Territories, even from New South Wales. It just so happened that one of the new shearers was from New Zealand, and was obviously the object of much teasing from the Australians, being the only Kiwi and all. Anyway, despite this, the Kiwi was handling the job excellently, getting through his quota every day and fitting in quite nicely. One day, however, the supervisor was walking around the station at night, after everyone else had long packed up and gone to the pub. He noticed a light on in one of the sheds, and, slowly opening the door looked inside. There he saw the New Zealander, f*cking one of the ewes, pumping away hard, sweaty, red in the face and clearly having a good time. Slightly taken aback at this behaviour, but not too shocked, the supervisor says "Look mate, that's all wrong, you're supposed to shear 'em." The New Zealander looks up, a bit annoyed at being disturbed and replies "You look mate, Oi'm not shearing this wath anywoon!"