ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 3:59 am

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservativef ellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 3:59 am

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, Frenchwoman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude,you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b*tch out the window."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 4:01 am

I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park. "Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?" Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 4:02 am

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M." "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 4:03 am

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

Merzbow · Post by **Merzbow** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:04 am

(removed) @ the poker one.

Mr. Poopypants · Post by **Mr. Poopypants** » Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:24 am

Quote, originally posted by ballrub Â» Did you try to lick your elbow? I came really friggin close!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:29 am

I'm glad you guys are still reading these, and still laughing! I'll keep'em coming!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:30 am

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:31 am

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:32 am

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died"! Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God! Here's a fella that lived to 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:33 am

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'd throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:34 am

Mrs. Siegal went into Bergdorf-Goodman's,called over a salesman, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?" "That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman. "Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's downtown!" "But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool." "So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:39 am

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered... The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. And I can spend all night on the computer!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:01 am

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died; 1st woman: "I froze to death." 2nd woman: "How horrible!" 1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" 2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV." 1st woman: "So what happened?" 2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died! 1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:02 am

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males Castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Growers Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em".

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:04 am

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world." They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who the bloody hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:06 am

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes." After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?" Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?" "Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you." So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:06 am

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:08 am

A: What is Shoo-be-doo-be-doo? Q: The stuff you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:54 am

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses * 3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? ................It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:54 am

The Confession... An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. He said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven." "Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" said the priest.... "Should I tell her the war is over?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:55 am

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:57 am

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now. The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!" "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' can't stay on the church roof."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:58 am

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The Man admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:59 am

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from (removed) for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from (removed) for the required month" the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult! However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," advised the pastor. "We know," assented the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:01 am

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlanta.The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is partying and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seat in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard, and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:01 am

A young boy was at the corner store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." The grocer cautioned, "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy wouldn't listen and bought the detergent anyway. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? Then what was it?" asked the grocer. In a matter of fact tone, the boy replied, "I think it was the spin cycle!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:02 am

As I Mature... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just *ssholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relatiosnhip is at first, the passion fades, and ther had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that the people you care the most about in life are taken from you too soon and all of the less importent ones just never go away.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:04 am

TOP 13 CONSERVATIVE COMMANDMENTS! 1. Thou shalt be strong with weak people, and weak with strong people. 2. Thou shalt allow neither logic nor facts to change what thou knowest to be True. 3. Thou shalt fear and hate those who think, act, or look differently than thineself. 4. The religions of others are foolish superstition, while thine is Absolute Truth. 5. The wealthy have naught but thine best interests at heart, unless they art liberals. 6. Thine opposition shalt not commit adultery, for surely they shall be impeached for their transgressions. 7. The sins of others are unforgivable, and they shall burn eternally in a lake of fire. Thine sins, on the other hand, are honest mistakes, and nobody's business but your own. And HOW DARE THEY bring up such a painful and personal subject?! 8. Thou shalt pull thineself up by thine bootstraps, unless thou art the CEO of a corporation that requires subsidization or bailing out. 9. Thou shalt remember the Good Old Days, and keep them holy. 10. For a man to lie with another man as if he were a woman is an abomination, unless he be on your side. 11. Thou shalt have no other Gods before Dubya. 12. Thou shalt not kill, unless the dumb b*stard is trespassing on your property. 13. Thou shalt keep thy sheep confused, and they shall be sore afraid, and thou wilt have them tell their brothers, and their brothers' brothers, so that they too will be sore afraid. And they will never know that the wolf is at the f*cking door. Amen.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:05 am

A blond had just gotten married and she was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. The clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance. "Well, I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband, but I don't know what kind he uses." The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?" "Oh, No," says the blond, "It's for his underarms."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:06 am

There was a young blonde who was totally exhausted from a week's worth of work. Finally, it was time for her to end her work day and go home. As she entered the elevator, she sighed a triumphant, "T-G-I-F...," and began to relish the thought of going home and relaxing the weekend away. It so happened that there was a man on the elevator with her and heard her jubilant exclamation. His reply to her was, "S-H-I-T." Now the woman was not sure if she heard the man correctly and she was determined not to let this man ruin her beautiful weekend she had ahead of her, so again she stated "T-G-I-F!" The man made eye contact and stated matter-of-factly, "S-H-I-T." This infuriated the young woman, so with hands on her hips she stated, "How dare you use profane language like that in front of a lady! I was saying, T-G-I-F... 'Thank Goodness it's Friday.' What is wrong with you!?" The man was amused at her outrage and with a smirk on his face replied, "S-H-I-T. 'Sorry, Honey... it's THURSDAY!" And with that walked off the elevator with a spunky step.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:07 am

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice answered, "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:08 am

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" The bum replies, "Well, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:09 am

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door, walks in and shouts, "Audi, partners!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:10 am

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him: Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?" The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:11 am

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "You're pitching next Tuesday."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:12 am

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house then she saw it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban, I tole dat jack*ss he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water".

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:14 am

A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately." The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?" The rabbi says, "Bethlehem." "Of course!" cried the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:15 am

Bill is going on a trip, and when he gets on the plane, he hears the Pope is booked on the same flight. "This is exciting," thinks Bill. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down right next to him! Bill is awestruck and speechless. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thinks Bill. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Sure enough, just minutes into his first puzzle, the Pope turns to Bill and asks, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leaps to Bill's mind. "My goodness," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that word! There must be another word for a woman that ends in U-N-T..." Bill thinks for a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, Bill says: "I think the word you're looking for is AUNT." "Ah! Of course!" says the Pope. "Would you happen to have an eraser?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:16 am

The Pope was being driven around New York City in a limo on one of his papal visits. He was fascinated by the amount of hustle and bustle in the city. He got it in his mind that he wanted to try his hand at driving the limo. "Driver, could you please pull over?" said the Pope. "I want to drive." "O.K. your holiness," the driver replied. "Whatever you say." So the driver pulls over and the Pope starts to drive. He gets the hang of it before long, and decides to put the pedal to the metal. The Pope is flying around Manhattan like a bat out of hell! A few minutes later, a police officer sees the reckless driving, and signals the limo to pull over. "Alright, let me see your license and reg-" The cop's voice cuts out when he sees that he is addressing the Pope. "Oh, well... um... um... I'll be right back." The officer radios headquarters and talks to his chief. "Chief, I just pulled over a very important man. What should I do?" "Well, how important is he? Is he the Governor?" "No, he's way more important than that." "Is he a Congressman?" "Nope... way, waaaay more important than a Congressman." "Surely he can't be more important than the president!" "Well..." "Holy sh*t, man! Who did you pull over?" "Well, chief, let me put it to you this way: His chauffeur is the POPE!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:17 am

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there saying, "I never thought you'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope steps up and unleashes a mighty head (removed), knocking the Queen unconscious.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:18 am

Clinton and the Pope die at the exact same time. There's a mix-up, and Clinton goes to heaven while the Pope is sent to hell. After a few minutes, the Powers That Be got it all straightened out, and Clinton and the Pope switched places. On the way to their final fates, the two cross paths and the Pope says to Clinton "I can't wait to get to heaven and meet the virgin Mary!" To which Clinton responds "Sorry, dude! You're about 5 minutes too late!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:19 am

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man," answers the priest. "I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?" "Oh, I don't have it, Father. It says here that the Pope does."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:20 am

The pope is on his way to Las Vegas. While boarding the plane, a stewardess says: "Hello Mr. Presley, it is a pleasure to see you!" The pope replies: "Sorry my child, but I'm not Elvis!" Later, as the Pope arrives and gets into his limo, the driver says: "Good evening Mr. Presley!" The pope replies: "My son, I am not Elvis!" So even later, as he's checking into the hotel, the clerk says: "Good evening Mr. Presley! We have your suite all ready for you, and the usual - 2 beautiful women - are waiting for you!" To which the Pope replies: "Thank youâ€¦ thank you very much."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:21 am

A little-known fact, but once a year there's a ceremonial meeting between the Chief Rabbi and the Pope, followed by a dinner. Every year since time immemorial they have carried out the Ceremony of the Envelope. What happens is that the Chief Rabbi hands the Pope an envelope and the Pope hands it back unopened. Then they go eat. This year as usual the Chief Rabbi, Dr. Jonathan Sacks, handed the envelope, by now somewhat tattered and dog-eared, to His Holiness as he and his predecessors had always done. But instead of handing it back as usual, the Pope said, "We've been doing this for hundreds of years, Jonathan. Do you know what's in the envelope?" "Well, Karol, since you ask," replied Dr. Sacks, "actually I have no idea." "In that case," said the Pontiff, "it seems to me that the ceremony is in danger of becoming meaningless, so what do you think? Shall we open the envelope?" After a moment's thought the Chief Rabbi agreed, so with trembling hands they opened the ancient enclosure and extracted a yellowed parchment. Wondering what profound theological revelation it contained, very carefully they unfolded it. It was the bill for the Last Supper!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:22 am

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. And the hotel... it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, finest hotel in the city!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I bet you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?" "He said: 'Where'd you get the sh*tty haircut?'"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:23 am

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he says: "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread,' to 'give us this day our daily chicken,' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church." The Pope responds: "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you do this for us." Again the Pope replies: "Impossible." Finally, the Tyson guy says: "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'" And he leaves. The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion. The bad news is that we're losing the Wonderbread account."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:25 am

A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start." The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke." The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..." The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?" "I'm sorry, your Eminence. I'll speak slower."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:26 am

A rabbi ends up seated next to the pope on a long plane ride back to Rome. After a while, the Pope leans over and says "Rabbi, something about your religion has always puzzled me -- those dietary restrictions. Tell the truth, have you ever eaten pork?" The rabbi, somewhat sheepishly says "Well, yes in truth, I have." Later, the rabbi turns to the Pope and says "Tell me, Your Holiness -- I've also been somewhat confused about some aspects of Catholicism. Have you ever had (removed)?" The Pope, also sheepishly says, "Well, yes in fact, I have." The rabbi, conspiratorially says "It's better than pork, isn't it?"