ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:33 am

A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:35 am

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:37 am

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this b*tch is giving you a hard time?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:38 am

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the (removed)? It's called the (removed)-optic nerve. It's responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your (removed), and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:39 am

Letter Of Reference July 2, 2001 Re: Letter Of Reference To: John Doe To Whom It May Concern: Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Received a short time later: July 2, 2001 Re: Letter Of Reference To: John Doe Mr. Doe: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter I sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:41 am

Signs that you are dating a psycho 1. The only things in her garage are an axe and a shovel ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2. She can see in her ex's window without leaving her yard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3. All your friends warn you about her ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4. Her home is completely unfurnished ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5. All her pictures of her ex show him in bandages ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6. She calls your answering machine to ask for your phone number ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7. She compares dinner conversation to talking with a therapist ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8. She tells you she has no friends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9. She talks about TV characters as if she they're her friends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10. Over dinner, she asks 'what's wrong with me?'

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:42 am

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%." Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following. If: A=01, B=02, C=03, D=04, E=05, F=06, G=07, H=08, I=09, J=10, K=11, L=12, M=13, N=14, O=15, P=16, Q=17, R=18, S=19, T=20, U=21, V=22, W=23, X=24, Y=25, Z=26, Then: H A R D W O R K= 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= Only 98% Similarly, K N O W L E D G E= 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= Only 96% But interesting (and as you'd expect), A T T I T U D E= 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5= 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE. But even more important to note (or REALIZE), is B U L L S H I T= 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20= 103% So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want you to exceed 100%!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:44 am

The year is 1904... what a difference a century makes. Here are the U. S. Statistics for 1904: The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47). ----- Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub. ----- Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. ----- A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. ----- There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. ----- The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. ----- Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. ----- The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. ----- The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. ----- The average U. S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. ----- A competent Accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a Dentist $2,500 per year, a Veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a Mechanical Engineer about $5,000 per year. ----- More than 95 percent of all births in the U. S. took place at home. ----- Ninety percent of all U. S. Physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." ----- Sugar cost four cents a pound. ----- Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. ----- Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. ----- Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. ----- Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. ----- The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke ----- The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. ----- The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. ----- Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. ----- There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. ----- One in ten U. S. adults couldn't read or write. ----- Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. ----- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. ----- Eighteen percent of households in the U. S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic. ----- There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US. Note: Maybe not funny, but it makes you wonder. What has happened to this world?

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:45 am

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that a moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your... side-view mirror.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:47 am

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers... Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...(removed). I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:49 am

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You;ve got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:50 am

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No." The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" Again the coroner said, "No." Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:51 am

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:52 am

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply. "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?" After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:53 am

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:55 am

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Fcuknig amzanig huh?

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:56 am

Christmas Party Memo ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2003 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a li ttle chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All #### Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The #### Holiday Party Vegetarian p##s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ### salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:57 am

Q: How many loonies does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:58 am

Q: What did the Indian say when the white man tied his love tool in a knot? A: "How come?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:59 am

Q: Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? A: They'll never see you coming.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 5:00 am

Q: What do you call kinky (removed) with chocolate? A: S&M&M.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 5:01 am

Q: Define Transvestite: A: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 5:02 am

Q: Why is being in the military like a BJ? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Amen!!!!!!!!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 5:04 am

Q: What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? A: Two Mennonite!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue Nov 09, 2004 5:05 am

Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A: A (removed) pole!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:12 am

Q: What city got its name from a dropped waffle on a beach? A: Sandy Eggo

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:13 am

Q: What do Seigfried and Montecor the tiger have in common? A: They both know what Roy tastes like!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:14 am

Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? A: They both have the same middle name!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:16 am

Q: What do you do if an Elephant breaks his big toe? A: Call the big toe truck.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:17 am

Q: How many people live in Rio? A: At least a Brazilian.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:18 am

Q: What do they call the guy who graduates last in medical school? A: Doctor.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:20 am

Q: Know why they put them little umbrellas in those tropical drinks? A: It's so that when it rains it don't thin out the liquor!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:21 am

Q: Why do they take non-swimmers into the Navy? A: Experience has shown that they tend to defend the ship more vigorously.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:23 am

Q: What did the eye doctor see when he stuck his head in the toilet? A: Floaters

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:24 am

Q: What did Captain Kirk see when he stuck his head in the toilet? A: The captains log.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:25 am

Q: What did Santa Claus seee when he stuck his head in the toilet? A: A yule log.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:27 am

It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?" Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:28 am

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:29 am

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough so the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me, I don't want to go deaf!" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:30 am

Subject: Memo to Pets Dear Dog and Cat, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.) The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.) My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.) The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' (removed). I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. Nuff said!!!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:32 am

A blonde got a bright red Porsche from her lover, and drove it out to the motorway, to see how far down she could press the accelerator pedal. She was moving so fast that she didn't notice she had overtaken a police cruiser, which promptly took up the chase and pulled her over to the side. With the police car stopped behind her, the blonde looked in the rear-view mirror to see a female officer, just as blonde as herself. "Uh oh", she thought, "I can't use my usual trick of unbuttoning the top buttons on my blouse!" She decided she would try to muster some dignity to earn the officer's respect. When the female officer came to the blonde's window and asked to see a driver's license, the blonde picked up her handbag and began to rummage around in it. After a while, the officer became impatient and said, "Your drivers license is a small plastic rectangle with your picture on it." Still looking into her handbag, the blonde brightened up as her hand came upon her pocket make-up mirror, which she handed over to the police officer. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, sighed deeply and said, "You should have said you were a police officer, and we could have avoided all this bother."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:33 am

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across his face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry appoached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "it was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!" These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me!" The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:34 am

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:35 am

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:36 am

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She has a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children, they're a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up... finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air! She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing... do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him... Hey, Neil! For $50, would you be willing to chop off another toe?!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:37 am

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987." "Oh .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else--a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?". The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:38 am

Ole walks into the kitchen and finds Lena sitting at the table sobbing wildly. "What's the problem?" he asks. She replies, "My brother Lars called to wish me happy birthday. "So why did that upset you?" he asks. In response she wails, "He's been arrested." Ole asks, "What was he charged with?" "I don't know," she sobs. "He just said he was calling me on his cell phone."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:39 am

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful (removed) appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:39 am

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey. A neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor. "Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor. "No, sir!" said the neighbor. "Did you ever get any whiskey from his wife?" he asked. "No, sir!" said the neighbor. "Did you ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor. The young neighbor thought a minute and said "Your Honor, are we still talking about whiskey?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:41 am

Due to a minor glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and George W. Bush all arrived at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. Saint Peter said, "You look like three famous people, but you have no idea the length people will go to sneak into Heaven. You must prove who you are." Einstein requests a blackboard and chalk, then covers it many times over with arcane mathematics describing his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" Then Saint Peter turns to Picasso. "Give me that chalk," says Picasso. With a few deft strokes he creates a stunning array of bulls, satyrs and nude women. Saint Peter applauds. "You really are Picasso! Welcome to heaven!" Saint Peter then turns to George W. Bush. "Einstein and Picasso have proved their identity. How can you prove yours?" Dubya looks bewildered. "Who's Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs. "Come on in, George."