ballrub's jokes (mature audiences only)

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 03, 2006 2:39 am

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sinko de Mayo. WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 09, 2006 1:26 am

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."4. "Howdy, pardner."5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."8. "Let's mount up!"9. "Nice spread ya got there!"10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 10, 2006 3:49 am

I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 10, 2006 3:50 am

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 10, 2006 3:51 am

A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth. "Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton." A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?" Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton." When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday." Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Atomic · Post by **Atomic** » Thu May 11, 2006 1:41 am

Not really a joke, but it's still funny. (mature)http://www.liquidice.co.uk/tes....html

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 11, 2006 3:15 am

^^^ That was...wierd!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Thu May 11, 2006 3:18 am

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Mrizzle05 · Post by **Mrizzle05** » Thu May 11, 2006 5:21 am

^^ never read such truer words... nice ballrub your jokes.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 12, 2006 2:27 am

Quote, originally posted by Mrizzle05 Â»^^ never read such truer words... nice ballrub your jokes.I'm glad somebody's getting a few chuckles out of these! I'll keep posting and try to bring a little laughter into our lives...it's good medicine!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Fri May 12, 2006 2:28 am

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought... but you are wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS... but I was wrong."

NascarXprt · Post by **NascarXprt** » Fri May 12, 2006 4:01 am

Quote, originally posted by ballrub Â»Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. JVC did that to me when i was looking at the KD-SC500 receiver the discontinued it. *shackes fist aat JVC*but man these are great ballrub keep it up.

Atomic · Post by **Atomic** » Fri May 12, 2006 6:55 am

Law of Making Something Cool for your Ride:This will take at least four days longer for each hour you originally estimated it would take to get it right.(increases exponentially for anything to do with electronics or engine management)

Atomic · Post by **Atomic** » Fri May 12, 2006 6:59 am

Law of Anniversaries:The length of apology or cost of gift (a card WON'T do at this point, unless it's solid gold encrusted with diamonds and emeralds, sorry) increases by a factor 10 for each minute you are gone to the jeweller's.

Atomic · Post by **Atomic** » Fri May 12, 2006 7:05 am

Law of Computer Upgrades:No matter how well prepared you are, the cable or connector was missing from the kit, and is currently out of stock, or the driver or software you need is only available as a download, for which you need the computer to actually be running to get.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:02 am

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:03 am

A kid was riding in a taxi with his mom on the way to the zoo. When he sees a dog he says to mom in his squeeky annoying voice, "If you were a dog I would be a puppy, right?" Mom agrees. Then he spots a horse. "If you were a horse I would be a colt, right?" The driver is getting fed up so he says, "Hey kid, if your mom was a hooker and your dad was a pimp, what would you be?" The kid answers: "A taxi driver!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:04 am

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:05 am

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Ivonne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Ivonne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, was carefully stepping over her. Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys... one at a time."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:06 am

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:07 am

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?" "No," she says. The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:08 am

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE! YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A (removed) CHANGE OPERATION! BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:09 am

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator." "Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease." "Excuse me?" "I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi." "I don't understand you, sir." "FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!" "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." "Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down) The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. "Yesh, I yam", he said. The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone." Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator." "Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!" "Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Tue May 23, 2006 2:10 am

Two San Leon Rednecks are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing bird dogs and NASCAR. All of a sudden LeRoy says "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Bubba sips his beer and says "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:43 am

PHONING THE WHITE HOUSE"Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office. If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one. If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House's endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb). If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded. If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year. If you are calling regarding the administration's unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local Chamber of Commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can't vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area. If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line - it is always open. If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy. If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don't want to hear about it. If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don't want to hear from you. If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611. If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to "privatize" social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market. If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 10 and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly. If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately. If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years. Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again. Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:44 am

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her. In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?" The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing strip."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:46 am

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When he cries," she told them. "When he cries?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?" "Because I forgot where I put him."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:47 am

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:48 am

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:49 am

On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:50 am

Little Tommy was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tommy just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:51 am

A scroungy dirty lookin guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No chance. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up to the piano and starts playing Elton John songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly great on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing Michael Bolton numbers. He has a superb voice and great pitch. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $400 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the 400 bux and hands the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you nuts???! You sold a singing frog for $400? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:52 am

Q: What do programmers in Australia call a Local Area Network? A: It's a LAN down under.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:54 am

Q: What's the definition of a will? A: It's a dead giveaway.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:55 am

Three gay guys are hanging around talking about what they would like to be in their second life. The first gay says, "When I die, I want to come back as a floral arrangement because I'll smell good and brighten up any room you leave me in." The second gay guy says, "When I die, I want to come back as a princess because they are pretty and have all the best clothes in the world." The third gay guy says, "When I die, I want to come back as an ambulance. That way, they can open up my rear doors, slip in a stiff one, and I can run around shouting, "'WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! WOOO!'"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed May 31, 2006 3:58 am

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So ," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that? Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a**hole' is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:25 am

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-(removed) jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:28 am

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS. ______________________________________________________ IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City! ______________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala. _______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS ___________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, she was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. ________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less. ____________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi! _______________________________________________________ STAY ALERT! They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:31 am

The Cat in the Hat: on Aging I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw, Oh my God, what can I do? My memory shrinks, My hearing stinks, No sense of smell, I look like hell, My mood is bad, can you tell? My body is drooping, Have trouble pooping, The Golden Years Have come at last, The Golden Years Can kiss my *ss! . . . . . . . . . . . . . Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine They have always had cable. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.! They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane". McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:51 am

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:52 am

A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room. In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in. She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" He says, "Well, Yes," so she begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?" He says, "I'm married." So she starts to put all her clothes back on. "What the Hell?" the Texan asks. Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy, not the greedy."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:53 am

Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?" "My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95" "Oh that's great! She's so pretty." "Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll." "Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had." "Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her." Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?' "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000." The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:10 am

In a second grade (removed) education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?" Suzy says "Forty." The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant." Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?" Suzy answers "Nineteen." The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant." Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old are you?" Suzy says, "I'm seven years old." The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant." Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:11 am

ST. PETER is very busy in heaven, so he leaves a sign by he Pearly gates: "For Service, Ring The Bell." He's barely gone when the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. St. Peter goes back to work, but the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates and once again there is no one there. Growing annoyed, he again returns to work. Ding! The bell rings a third time. St. Peter goes back to the gates, but still no ones there. "OK, that's it." He mutters. "What's going on?" He hides a short distance away, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell. St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?" "Yes," the old man says. "Well, why?" "They keep resucitating me."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:13 am

A wife was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she'd be home by midnight, "I promise!" she said. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning her husband asked what time she got in, and she told him "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed off at all. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night around three o'clock, it cuckooed three times, then said, Oh, sh*t!, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:14 am

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren!" and poof she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna!" and poof she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini!" St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says... "No sister, the paper says it was the Sahara Pipeline laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:15 am

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?" The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how they find out everything." Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercoverto see how this system works. So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods. As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu, Vus Tutzuch?" The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:16 am

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny summer day, decided he just had to play golf. So... He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did You let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:17 am

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an a**hole.

ballrub · Post by **ballrub** » Sat Jun 24, 2006 5:18 am

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one -- holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th." "No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."