Airline announcements
Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2004 9:57 am
I apologize for the length, but some of these are really good. All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort tomake the in-flight "safety lecture" andannouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are somereal examples that have been heard or reported:On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flightattendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies andgentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and willbe turning down the cabin lights. This is for yourcomfort and to enhance the appearance of your flightattendants."Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies andgentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking sectionon this airplane is on the wing and if you can light'em, you can smoke 'em."On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure totake all of your belongings. If you're going toleave anything, please make sure it's something we'dlike to have."There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but thereare only 4 ways out of this airplane""Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. Wehope you enjoyed giving us the business as much aswe enjoyed taking you for a ride."As the plane landed and was coming to a stop atRonald Reagan, a lone voice came over theloudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"After a particularly rough landing duringthunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on aNorthwest flight announced, "Please take care whenopening the overhead compartments because, after alanding like that, sure as hell everything hasshifted."From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboardSouthwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pulltight. It works just like every other seat belt;and, if you don't know how to operate one, youprobably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.""In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If youhave a small child traveling with you, secure yourmask before assisting with theirs. If you aretraveling with more than one small child, pick yourfavorite."Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with somebroken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixedbefore we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobodyloves you, or your money, more than SouthwestAirlines.""Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,in the event of an emergency water landing, pleasepaddle to shore and take them with our compliments.""As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all ofyour belongings. Anything left behind will bedistributed evenly among the flight attendants.Please do not leave children or spouses."And from the pilot during his welcome message:"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the bestflight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,none of them are on this flight!"Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hardlanding in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant cameon the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tellyou it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't thepilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant'sfault, it was the asphalt."Overheard on an American Airlines flight intoAmarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpyday: During the final approach, the Captain wasreally having to fight it. After an extremely hardlanding, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies andGentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain inyour seats with your seat belts fastened while theCaptain taxis what's left of our airplane to thegate!"Another flight attendant's comment on a less thanperfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seatedas Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."An airline pilot wrote that on this particularflight he had hammered his ship into the runwayreally hard. The airline had a policy which requiredthe first officer to stand at the door while thepassengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanksfor flying our airline." He said that, in light ofhis bad landing, he had a hard time looking thepassengers in the eye, thinking that someone wouldhave a smart comment. Finally everyone had gottenoff except for a little old lady walking with a cane.She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you aquestion?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "Whatis it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, orwere we shot down?"After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, theattendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen,please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash andthe Crew have brought the aircraft to a screechinghalt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke hascleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'llopen the door and you can pick your way through thewreckage to the terminal."Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with ustoday. And, the next time you get the insane urge togo blasting through the skies in a pressurized metaltube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. Afterit reached a comfortable cruising altitude, theCaptain made an announcement over the intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captainspeaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop fromNew York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is goodand, therefore, we should have a smooth anduneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MYGOD!"Silence followed, and after a few minutes, thecaptain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladiesand Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared youearlier. While I was talking to you, the flightattendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffeein my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" Apassenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. Youshould see the back of mine!"