Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 7:56 am
Diary of a Snow Shoveler... December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of theseason and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours bythe window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt likenewlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snowcovering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Canthere be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving herewas the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in yearsand felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalksand closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such adisappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitelyhave a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll neverwant to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is sucha nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperaturedropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The windtook my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the drivewayand sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back thisafternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would haveto do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shapethis way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so much. December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case theelectricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my (removed) on the ice inthe driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed foran hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to goanywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blanketson to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not toirritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admitit to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezingto death in my own living room. December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damnstuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow cameby twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they'retoo busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardwarestore around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Mighthave another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says Ihave to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he'slying. December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 moreinches of the white S*** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won'tmelt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go outto shovel and then I had to (removed). By the time I got undressed, pissedand dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob whohas a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's toobusy. I think the a**h*** is lying. December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wifewanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What isshe nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke theshovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a B**** who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. December 25 - Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn sloptonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking fora donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife saysI have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into themicrowave. December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? Itwas all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B**** isdriving me crazy!!! December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof orit could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver and heis now suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave himbut also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his (removed). Thewife went home to her mother. 9" predicted! December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No moreshoveling. January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills theykeep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?