GenVibe - Community for Pontiac Vibe Enthusiasts

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!" "What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine, now." "Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop." "It was my first day with the hook."

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life? " "Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Q: Why did the sesame seed keep gambling? A: He was on a roll.

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee".

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail. A boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's (removed), and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked. The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of mothers milk. The correct answer will be worth 70 points or none at all." One student who had also partied a little too hard the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He finally wrote: 1. It is a perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always available as needed. 4. It is always at the right temperature. 5. It is inexpensive. 6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7. It comes in such cute containers. He got an "A."

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly b*tch he's runnin' around with."

This guy goes to the doctor for an annual check up. The doctor comes out and says, "Do you want the bad news or the really bad news?" The man says, "Give me the really bad news." "Well," says the doctor, "you've got cancer." "Damn," replies the man. "What's the bad news?" "You also have Alzheimer s disease," says the doctor. "Whew," says the man, "good thing it s not cancer."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it." After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What the heck is a golf gun?" "I'm not for certain, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached them from across the park. He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and threw open his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Q: Do you know why mexicans don't grill out? A: Because the damn beans keep falling through the grill!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your (removed) and go as a caramel apple. Go f*ck yourself, Acme Costume Co.

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive. One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow. "Mr. Brown," she said, "We are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal." Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him. The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the newspaper. The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he looks up and says, "Oh girls, you should find this interesting. The government is recruiting working girls to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day." All at once the girls get up and head for the door. "Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"

Words of Wisdom for you: 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that an amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. "Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?" "Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your (removed)." "Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?" "Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender. "THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!" "Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?" "Ruff!" "What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?" "Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?" "Ruth!" The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy, "Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building," The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much!" Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

A Welsh rugby fan, a Irish rugby fan and an English fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Welsh fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the Welshman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishmen was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!". "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked. "Tie the ENGLISHMAN to my back."

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table when a very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Bob: My wife drives like lightning Ted: She drives fast? Bob: No, she hits trees!

Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more? Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card? Joe: No! Mike: Neither will Bob.

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's alright now!

Actual Notes Given to Teachers: My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from PE for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late". The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler b*tches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler b*tches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Prison life vs. full-time jobs 1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. 2. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. 3. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 4. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 5. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. 7. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. 8. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 9. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 10. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 11. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at anytime. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 12. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

26 things to do in an elevator: 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3) Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones. 4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on. 5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play. 10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. 11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exit with the passengers. 12) Ask, "Did you feel that?" 13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again." 15) Swat at flies that don't exist. 16) Tell people that you can see their aura. 17) Call out, "Group hug!" then enforce it. 18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly. 22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 25) Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." 26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space.

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some a**hole puts a swimming cap on me!"

How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash (removed): Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.

Have you noticed anything weird about computers when they appear in movies? Have a look and you will remember seeing most of them in a movie. 1. Word processors never display a cursor. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. All monitors display inch-high letters. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress") --------------------------------------------- 8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger") ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001") -------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?!"

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t this morning."

Safety Lecture: All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane." 3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.