GenVibe - Community for Pontiac Vibe Enthusiasts

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates... I'ts more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your (removed) tomorrow!

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY: All you have to do is be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father figure 6. a teacher 7. an educator 8. a cook 9. a gardener 10. a carpenter 11. a driver 12. an engineer 13. a mechanic 14. an interior decorator 15. a stylist 16. a (removed) therapist 17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician 18. a psychologist 19. a psychiatrist 20. a therapist 21. a good father 22. a gentleman 23. well organized 24. tidy 25. very clean 26. athletic 27. affectionate 28. affable 29. attentive 30. ambitious 31. amenable 32. articulate 33. bold 34. brave 35. creative 36. courageous 37. complimentary 38. capable 39. decisive 40. intelligent 41. imaginative 42. interesting 43. prudent 44. patient 45. polite 46. passionate 47. respectful 48. sweet 49. strong 50. skillful 51. supportive 52. sympathetic 53. tolerant 54. understanding 55. someone who loves shopping 56. someone who doesn't make problems 57. someone who never looks at other women 58. very rich AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU: 59. are neither jealous nor disinterested 60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her 61. give her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO: 62. Not forget the dates of: * Anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...) * graduation * birthday * menstruation

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Let him play with your boobs.

It's taken me several days to get through all of them. Some really good ones in that bunch. keep them coming.

I will keep'em coming!------------------------------TWENTY SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP! 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having (removed) in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 9. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 10. Older relatives feel comfortable telling (removed) jokes around you. 11. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 12. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 13. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 14. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 15. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 16. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 17. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 18. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 19. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 20. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old (removed).

The following are reputed to be actual statements found on insurance claim forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." "The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention." "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him." "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment." "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end." "As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I stuck a pedestrian." "My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished." "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull." "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him." "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car." "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." "The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end." "The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week." "I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before."

Young Johnny had been blind since birth. His mother had always explained to him that it was God's will and must be accepted. One Sunday, Johnny's mom came home from church and told Johnny that she'd had a conversation with God and He agreed that it was time to let Johnny see. "He said if you'll pray real hard and fast every day this week, next Sunday you'll be able to see. Young John hardly ate a bite that week and spent his every waking hour praying and waiting for Sunday. By Saturday night he was weak from hunger and exhausted from praying and he dropped off to sleep in great anticipation of morning. Johnny woke to the sound of church bells on the soft Spring morning. He lay with his eyes closed for several minutes to savor the coming event. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and to his great dismay, realized he was still blind. "Mom!" the lad yelled, "I still can't see." His mother, touching the boy's head softly, said, "Yes, I know Johnny, April Fool!"

A pro-life activist was preparing pickets for a rally one day when he spotted a boy walking across the street, pulling a wagonful of newborn puppies. The activist asked the kid what kind of puppies they were and the kid answered, "They're Pro-Life Puppies!" The activist thought that was cute, and the boy continued on his way. Later that night, the activist mentioned the puppies to the president of his group, Randall Terry, and he exploded! "GET THAT KID! We gotta do a media spot with him!" So the entire staff emptied into the streets of Atlanta to search for the kid with the Pro-Life Puppies. For days, they looked and looked. Days turned into weeks, but finally, they found the kid with the wagonful of puppies. They convinced his parents to let him go on CNN to talk about the puppies. Larry King, live to 12 million viewers, gets the exclusive. It was the perfect photo-op. They had Randall walk through the park, "accidentally" running into the kid with the puppies. Randall asked what kind of puppies the kid had. The kid replied "These are Pro-Choice puppies, sir." Visibly angered, Terry lashed out at the kid. "What do you MEAN these are Pro-Choice puppies? A few weeks ago you said they were Pro-Life puppies!" The kid said, "Yes, they were." Pat screamed "What do you mean USED to be Pro-Life Puppies? What's changed?" The kid replied, "They opened their eyes."

Walking into the bar, Jeff said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Jeff replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed you little chicken sh*t!"

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest (removed) the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen!"

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. "I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you 're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied. "No, I won't," he replied. "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool. "See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!" "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a France rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing England shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Frog from the water. Then using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the French and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

An elderly gentleman walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you here to see the doctor about today?" There's something wrong with my pecker," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "Sir, you shouldn't say things like that in a crowded office." Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man turned around and walked out of the office. He returned several minutes later. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes, what can I do for you this time?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing she had obviously made her point understood. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" I can't (removed) out of it," the man replied.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up.

An elderly retired Naval Aviator moves into a retirement community where good looking eligible men are at a premium. After he has been there for a week, he goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing." "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that sh*t-eating grin off your face."

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya." As Tiger got out of the car, two tees fell out of his pocket. "So what are those son?" asked the attendant. "They're called tees." replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive." replied Tiger. "AW, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Ford think of everything!"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "...I can explain,". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Joe sets up his chum Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!!!"

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic! That's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend?" "Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir!" The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld." The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. "Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." "Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time." "I don't care I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!" The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful breasts out of her bra and offers the left one to the man. He holds it, caresses it and very moved. He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!" He was kissing her left (removed) so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head." "Yes! Is he here too?!" "Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right (removed). "Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again. "Eisenhower!" The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her privates getting moist, so she asks the man, "How do you feel about Fidel Castro?"

How To Replace Mouse Balls I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls. If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

News headlines for the year 2029"White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language." "Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock." "Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped." "Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage." "Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.""Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon)." "Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.""France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.""Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking." "George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036." "Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only." "85 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss." "Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb." "Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative." "Supreme Court rules all punishment of criminals violates their civil rights." "Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches." "New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036." "Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts." "Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have (removed) with congressman." "IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%." "Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine."

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three men. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." HE GOT THE JOB!

Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madamme takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference." The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite with these new teeth o' mine, then she farted and flew out the window."

Good Advice... THIS SIGN IS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB IN THE NORTHERN CALIFORNIA AREA 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8. Don't stand directly in front of others. 9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go. 10. Don't take extra strokes. Well done! Now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside, and tee off!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.' "

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

When his teenage son asked to borrow twenty dollar, the man said: "Son, don’t you realize that there are more important things in life than money?" "Yes, sir," the youth replied, "I do. But you need money to take them to the movies."

The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!" "Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it man, you'll never hit her from here!"

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother. Brother 1: So how is my cat doing? Brother 2: He is Dead Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground. Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again. Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing? Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.......

Life, as we all know, is not all that complicated and can be easily reduced to a point system. For example: For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system: SIMPLE DUTIES - You make the bed.....+1 - You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0 - You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1 - You leave the toilet seat up.....-5 - You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0 - When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1 - When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2 - You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5 - In the snow .....+8 - But return with beer.....-5 - And no liners.....-25 - You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0 - You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0 - You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5 - You pummel it with a six iron.....+10 - It's her cat.....-40 AT THE PARTY - You stay by her side the entire party.....0 - You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy.....-2 - Named Tiffany.....-4 - Tiffany is a dancer.....-10 - With breast implants.....-18 HER BIRTHDAY - You remember her birthday.....0 - You buy a card and flowers.....0 - You take her out to dinner.....0 - You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1 - Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2 - And! it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3 - It's a sports bar! , its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10 A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS - Go with a pal.....0 - The pal is happily married.....+1 - The pal is single.....-7 - He drives a Ferrari.....-10 - With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15 A NIGHT OUT WITH HER - You take her to a movie.....+2 - You take her to a movie she likes.....+4 - You take her to a movie you hate.....+6 - You take her to a movie you like.....-2 - It's called Death Cop III.....-3 - Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9 - You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15 YOUR PHYSIQUE - You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15 - You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10 - You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30 - You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800 THE BIG QUESTION - She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" - You hesitate in responding.....-10 - You reply, "Where?".....-35 - You reply, "No, I think it's your (removed)".....-100 - Any other response.....-20 COMMUNICATION - When she wants to talk about a problem: - You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0 - You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5 - You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50 - You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100 - You have fallen asleep.....-200 IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH - You talk.....-100 - You don't talk.....-150 - You spend time with her......-200 - You don't spend time with her.....-500 - You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000 - Game Over - YOU LOSE!!!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering frim a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. "If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home the husband asked his wife , "What did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die." she replied.

A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat. "Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?" "Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it." The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks. "Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son. "Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time." The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's a**hole!"

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!" The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

It was a really hot day in Las Vegas and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. So she went to the coke machine and put her money in, and a coke came out so she kept putting money in it, and since it was a hot day a line had formed behind her. Finally the man behind her said, ''Will you hurry up we're all hot and thirsty!" And the blonde turned around and said, ''No way. I'm still winning."

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: “God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business.” She didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car.” Still, she didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I don't win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house.” Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, “Buy a ticket.”

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!...'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!...'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!...'' ...and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination." Joe sitting in the eighth row was stunned. When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said: "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "in fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the (removed) pit. Now it's the box office."

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in (removed). She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred. "Are you kidding?" he replied, "Look what it did to those panties."