GenVibe - Community for Pontiac Vibe Enthusiasts

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about." Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning." Operator: "Yes?" Blonde Caller: "Well... can you give me the number for Jack?"

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32", the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

A Mexican from El Paso found himself in Lubbock and decided to approach a prostitute down on 17th and R. He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?" "$100," she replied. "Do you do Messican-style?" he asked. Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused. He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Messiccan-style." Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. "I'll give you $500 to go Messican-style with me! What do you say?" Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world. How kinky could Messican-style be?" After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Messican-style' come in?" The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Wednesday when I get my check."

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up to the TV. The 10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer replied, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde said, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on." Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.? The blonde was very upset and handed $20 to Homer saying, "Fair"s fair, here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money.

On Stupidity . . . Unfortunately, we have to deal with stupid people in the course of our lives. Not only is it irritating and frustrating, it wastes our time. Here are some observations by some noteworthy individuals. Or, as Carlos Mencia would say, "Dee, dee-dee!". Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955) Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915) Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -- Euripidies (484 - 407 BC) The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. -- Harlan Ellison There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. -- Johann Goethe (1749-1832) Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. -- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968) Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it. -- Stephan Vizinczey Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. -- Unknown Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. -- Unknown Lord, what fools these mortals be! "A Midsummer Night's Dream" -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name." "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. So what's your name?" she asked. "Beertits," he said.

Two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are a**holes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an a**hole."

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it. Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina." Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've got really ugly tits."

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!" "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell, just can't stay on the church roof!"

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for (removed). Naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?" At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the pit lane. The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem. Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team.

The blond had been married about a year when one day she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said. "Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about". She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo sh*t. Someone stole the tent."

A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he noticed a gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender replied, "I can't. The C.P. would be on my (removed)." "What's the C.P.?" the man asked. "City Police." snipped the bartender. The man finished his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, "I can't. The S.P. would shut me down." "What's the S.P.?" asked the man. "State Police." replied the bartender. Just then the Indian girl got up an walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken. The bartender surprised, asked, "What happened to you?" "The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned. "What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender asked. Spitting out another loose tooth, the man replied, "A F*cking Big Indian!"

A lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to take a bite when she turns to the man at the table next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she says. "Your napkin fell on the floor." "Oi! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He reaches down to find his napkin. Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he spilled any food on his shirt. "Hardly at all," she answers, "just a few cracker crumbs." "Tanks, again, Missus," he replies, brushing them off. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few moments later, he inquires again, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" "Not at all," she replies. "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Do you tink I'm ugly?" "You're quite presentable," she replies. Smiling now, he exults, "Vat a relief. I vas alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." A few more moments pass and the lady speaks up. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks. "Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help what you got I vill take," he answers. "Lose the Jewish accent." she replies. "You're black!!!"

Little Christopher is sitting in biology class. The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter -- no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbour's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'ffffffffff! fffffffffff! ffffffffff!' But before he could say, 'F*ck Off!', the dog ate him."

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female." Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White." Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?" Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Bobbie Jean goes home to the double wide after a wild night of drinking, with two tattoos on her legs. Her husband Zeke says, "What the hell is them smudges on your thighs, honey?" Bobbie Jean says, "Well, Zeke, that there on the right is Johnny Cash, and that other one there is Waylon Jennings. Just the two greatest outlaw country singers ever!" Zeke doesn't really see it, and asks their son who or what he thinks they are. Little Bubba Ray says, "Well, I think the one on the right is Johnny Cash and the one on the left looks a little like Waylon Jennings, but the guy in the middle with the bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson!"

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Patrick and Anthony each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place: Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?" Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track." Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?" Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track." Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains." Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone." Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?" Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe." Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?" Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."

A fellow tees off and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold. The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?" "I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?" "I just hit a woman out there with a golf ball, and she's unconscious!" "Well, where did you hit her?" the doctor asks. "Between the first and second holes." "Oh, my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches."

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours." Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. "I want to return as a hen." And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said. "How do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my (removed) is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Rob asked. "Cluck twice, and then push all you can." Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're sh*ttin' all over the bed!"

Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo! What the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't Mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my f*cking house."

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS agent assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?" Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win." The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!" Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and (removed) into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again! Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked. The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd (removed) on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks, "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth, can I thee her eyeth?" Sam picks up the midget, and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again, and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf. Can I see her (removed)?" Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms, and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's (removed), pulls him out, and slams him on the ground! The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that... Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the new bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

YO MAMA:Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be 'Yo' mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork. Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful of pardons. Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks. Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out. Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup.

An elderly woman who lived on the third floor of an apartment house broke her leg. When the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs until the cast was off. Three months later, she went back to the doctor and he removed the cast. "Can I climb the stairs now?" she asked him. "Yes, you should be fine now." He replied. "Thank goodness!" she exclaimed. "I sure am tired of shinnying up and down that drain pipe."

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you. The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you. The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that having (removed) can kill you. This morning, I stopped reading.

It's sheep shearing season in Australia. In Victoria, a sheep shearing station starts hiring shearers to handle the extra volume. They come from all around Australia, from Queensland, from Victoria, from the Northern Territories, even from New South Wales. It just so happened that one of the new shearers was from New Zealand, and was obviously the object of much teasing from the Australians, being the only Kiwi and all. Anyway, despite this, the Kiwi was handling the job excellently, getting through his quota every day and fitting in quite nicely. One day, however, the supervisor was walking around the station at night, after everyone else had long packed up and gone to the pub. He noticed a light on in one of the sheds, and, slowly opening the door looked inside. There he saw the New Zealander, f*cking one of the ewes, pumping away hard, sweaty, red in the face and clearly having a good time. Slightly taken aback at this behaviour, but not too shocked, the supervisor says "Look mate, that's all wrong, you're supposed to shear 'em." The New Zealander looks up, a bit annoyed at being disturbed and replies "Look mate, Oi'm not shearing this wath anywoon!"

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button." The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your (removed) is under your pillow."

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in (removed)."

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Bill was less than grateful when his urologist recommended he give up (removed) completely, if he was to beat a rare-but-lethal chronic fatigue disease. "Give up (removed) completely?" he shouted. "I'm a young buck. How can you expect me to just go cold turkey?" "Get married and taper off gradually," the doctor prescribed.

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal. "Hey that's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?" "Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river." "How did you do that?" asked Donal. "Well, Andrew here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them." They thank the Englishmen for the tip and continue on. "We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal. They get to a bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs. After about twenty minutes Michael begins screaming “Quick pull me up, pull me up!" "Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal. "No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming!"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

President Bush, First Lady Laura and (removed) Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

Three little ducks go into a Bar... "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice, " said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey, " came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "I'm Puddles."

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." He, thinking it's his lucky day, bends her over the kitchen table and they have (removed). Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says "The egg timer's broken!"

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. Isn't it wonderful?" one man says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy?" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his a**.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired America West Airlines Pilot from Phoenix." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew... people prayed."

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!! So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs!"

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, hens, called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result - the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees. Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy. The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something. "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too." Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those." Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!"

The Revivalist was addressing the crowd: "Have faith! If you have faith everything is possible. If anybody has a problem, come to this stage and name it, we will all pray and your problem will be solved!" A guy gets up: "I am Joneth and have alwayth spoken with a lithp." "Come nearer, Mr. Jones, go behind that screen and pray!" A disabled woman starts walking toward the stage: "I am Miss Smith and I have always been walking on crutches." "Come here, Miss Smith , go behind that screen and pray! And now, brothers and sisters, let us pray all together for these two behind the screen!" (after some praying....) "Miss Smith, throw your left crutch over the screen!" (the first crutch appears) "Miss Smith, throw now your right crutch over the screen!" (second crutch appears as well) "And now, Mr. Jones, say in a clear, loud voice... What happened?" "Mith Thmith jutht fell on her ath!"