I need personal advice...sad story :(

[PHXLavaVibe]

I know, I know, here we go again…PhxLavaVibe is writing another novel on our forum. I’m sorry but I can’t help it. I need someone other than family to consult with and “Shrinks” cost way too much.I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. My brother and his family (wife, & 3 children) have hit rock bottom. They have been through an awful lot of problems over the past 10 years or more. They are in so much debt I doubt they will ever recover. It was about 8 months ago that my wife and I had them move in with us. It was a matter of saving them from the streets at the time. They were facing a possible eviction from their apartment and had to volunteeringly turn in their keys and make payment arrangements to avoid an eviction on their record. They lived with us for a solid 7 months. It was everyone’s intention at that time that they would stay with us for a while so they could save up some money and get back on their feet. Unfortunately these 7 months were rough on us all. They did not have very good jobs and hardly made any money. It quickly became a necessity for me to provide for all 8 of us which nearly sent me into bankruptcy. I had to put off a lot of my own responsibilities and bills in order to feed us all and keep a roof over our heads. There was very little help financially coming from my brother and his wife.There were countless arguments and flared tempers during their stay which mostly pertained to their 3 kids and the effects they were having on my 3yr old and our dog. My wife and I were driven to our wits end and nearly kicked them all out of our house. We couldn't do this however because they are family and no matter what happens we love them. Between the arguments, guilt trips, mistreatment of my daughter's toys, mistreatment of our dog, financial worries, minor destruction and vandalism of our new house and personal property...it took all we had to survive the situation. My brother is an alcoholic by trade, has had a very rough life and has even contemplated suicide in the past. His wife is an amazing woman and has pretty much been the sole provider for their family. My brother tends to be very lazy and has a difficult time retaining a job. He spent several years of his marriage in bars are staying home with the kids while his wife busted her (removed) to support them and his habits. Their kids are great but at times very difficult to handle…especially for my wife and I who don’t have a lot of experience with older children. Their stay with us was extremely hard on my wife due to the fact that she was left at home with all 4 kids on a regular basis. With my brother, his wife and me working, she was unavoidably left to tend to all the kids. My wife is quite young, has very little experience with kids and was instantly given the role of a nanny. Needless to say, my wife was constantly frustrated and quickly grew intolerant of the whole situation. It was nearly a daily battle for me to calm her down and keep her from exploding. Having two “Mother Hens” in the house was not fun either. There was constant friction between my wife and my sister in law when it came to the kids. They both blamed each other’s kids when it came to discipline. It was a rare occasion when they would actually talk out their problems.My wife and I are very giving people and we enjoy helping others when times are tough. We helped my parents a couple years ago when they were facing foreclosure. We moved in with them for a few months so we could help them financially as some of you might recall. Unfortunately they took sever advantage of us and we couldn’t help them any longer. We have helped my brother and his family on several occasions by providing money, food and supplies. The most trying for us though, was when we offered our own home.We were all very happy when they announced that they would be moving out and had an apartment lined up. We all celebrated and hoped that their lives would soon be a little brighter. Well, a couple weeks ago we went to visit with them in their new apartment and brought one of my nieces some birthday presents. It was brought to my attention that they were still struggling financially and hadn’t been able to pay their first month’s rent. This was on Labor Day (the 6th). My brother was quite worried and feared that they would soon be in trouble. We left that day with the notion that they were going to take whatever measures they could pay their rent. I hadn’t heard from my brother since, so I thought everything was okay and that they were doing fine.Yesterday my brother contacted me and said that they were “F’d”. After a brief conversation with him I have come to find out that they still haven’t paid their rent that was due on Sept 1st. Apparently they were given some sort of notice by the complex manager back on the 13th. My brother met with the manager and paid her just over half the month’s rent this past Tuesday. The manager informed him that they would work with him and reach some kind of agreement on a promissory note. Well, yesterday there was a knock on their door and my sister in law was served a court summons for their eviction hearing. They have to appear in court next week and will most likely be evicted from their apartment immediately. My wife and I can’t help but feel guilty now. My wife seems to think that it is her fault that they moved out of our house and got themselves back into trouble. I feel as if there is something I should have done to make sure they were in a better financial situation. I really don’t know what to do at this point. My brother is talking about homeless shelters and problems they are having with their car that would prevent them from moving very far from their work places. He even mentioned to me yesterday that one of their main reasons for moving out of our house was in fact the stress and emotional load they were putting my wife through.I really don’t want to see them living out on the street, but on the other hand I really don’t want to have them move back in with us either. It would be impossible for them to get a place of their own with an eviction on their record and that means they would be living with us for years to come. I don’t mean to sound selfish but I have a family of my own to support which is difficult enough for me. We bought our house (our first house) in December and to this day we have barely had it to ourselves for 2 months. Hell, we haven’t even finished painting yet. I just don’t know what to do. I hate feeling guilty for going out to eat and enjoying my life when people so close to me are facing a life on the streets. I am the only one in my family that has succeeded in life so far and it sure seems like it has become my responsibility to help everyone else. I am getting really sick of it. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it my responsibility to help everyone? Don’t I deserve to live a life of my own without worrying about the well being of other family members? When is enough…enough? When can I move on and enjoy my wife and daughter and the life I have worked so hard to achieve? When can I stop giving handouts and say it’s not my problem? When will this damn post ever end?

[lovemyraffe]

Your first concern should be for your wife and kids. You have done so much for them, you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Unfortunately there comes a time where you have to say no and let your brother deal with the consequences. It is extremely hard to say no and close the door, but sometimes it is necessary to save yourself.

[808 Vibes]

I'm sorry to hear you are stuck. Can they look into some kind of assistance? I don't think you're wrong to feel that way though...you can't have it putting further strain on your family/risk losing your own home.

[djkeev]

Wow!!! And I thought mine and my wife's family were screwed up!!! We get the good family award after reading this.Question before advice.How big is your new house?Does it have a garage?Does it have a basement?What zoning restrictions do you have? Planned community? Township zoning etc?I'll state this simple fact that YOU are not responsible for everyone in your life.Dave

[DressedInBlack]

Dude, you certainly should not feel guilty or bad. I know it is hard not to, but you need to take care of yourself and your family. Like you said, you are the one who worked so hard to achieve the life you want. Trust me, I know first hand how hard it is to stop giving handouts to family. Once I stopped, it was tense for a while but now it is "the best thing I ever did for [them]." Im not saying to stop helping altogether, just cut way back. Example: don't give the standard $100, give $20.It sounds like your brother needs to have a serious reality check and have something smack the hell out of him to wake him up. Hopefully he will learn a lesson or two.Hang in there bro. And don't forget to put down a drop cloth when you paint!

[SlammedNiss]

There comes a time when people need to grow up and learn to wipe their own asz. It sounds like this time has finally arrived for your brother. Good luck.

[PHXLavaVibe]

Quote, originally posted by HawaiiPontiacLover »I'm sorry to hear you are stuck. Can they look into some kind of assistance? I don't think you're wrong to feel that way though...you can't have it putting further strain on your family/risk losing your own home. From what my brother says...they are looking into every option out there for assistance. according to him Arizona does not have any type of family shelter (only for women and children and a few for men). He makes it sound as if the family would have to split up to survive.He said he has even sent emails to distant relatives seeking help.

[PHXLavaVibe]

Quote, originally posted by djkeev »Wow!!! And I thought mine and my wife's family were screwed up!!! We get the good family award after reading this.Question before advice.How big is your new house?Does it have a garage?Does it have a basement?What zoning restrictions do you have? Planned community? Township zoning etc?I'll state this simple fact that YOU are not responsible for everyone in your life.DaveHouse - 1700sf 3bd, 2ba and a den. Yes it does have a 2 car garage but it is not livable due to lack of insulation. No basement...although I would love to have one! We were fairly comfortable with the space when all 8 of us were living together. His 3 girls shared a bedroom and he and and his wife slept in our den. The two of them were miserable because of the lack of a bedroom door and because the den is open to our living room where we all watch tv and such. There were a lot of complaints about the noise when my 3yr old daughter would wake up in the middle of the night crying out for mamma. The worst though was the constant complaints about my daughter watching educational kid shows in the mornings. It is very difficult to keep a 3yr old quiet.I have no ideas about zoning and etc.

[BurnOnyx08]

Quote, originally posted by PHXLavaVibe »My brother is an alcoholic by trade, has had a very rough life and has even contemplated suicide in the past. My brother tends to be very lazy and has a difficult time retaining a job. He spent several years of his marriage in bars are staying home with the kids while his wife busted her (removed) to support them and his habits. My wife and I are very giving people and we enjoy helping others when times are tough. We helped my parents a couple years ago when they were facing foreclosure. We moved in with them for a few months so we could help them financially as some of you might recall. Unfortunately they took sever advantage of us and we couldn’t help them any longer. We have helped my brother and his family on several occasions by providing money, food and supplies. The most trying for us though, was when we offered our own home.Yesterday my brother contacted me and said that they were “F’d”. After a brief conversation with him I have come to find out that they still haven’t paid their rent that was due on Sept 1st. Apparently they were given some sort of notice by the complex manager back on the 13th. My brother met with the manager and paid her just over half the month’s rent this past Tuesday. The manager informed him that they would work with him and reach some kind of agreement on a promissory note. Well, yesterday there was a knock on their door and my sister in law was served a court summons for their eviction hearing. They have to appear in court next week and will most likely be evicted from their apartment immediately. My wife and I can’t help but feel guilty now. My wife seems to think that it is her fault that they moved out of our house and got themselves back into trouble. I feel as if there is something I should have done to make sure they were in a better financial situation. I really don’t know what to do at this point. My brother is talking about homeless shelters and problems they are having with their car that would prevent them from moving very far from their work places. He even mentioned to me yesterday that one of their main reasons for moving out of our house was in fact the stress and emotional load they were putting my wife through.I really don’t want to see them living out on the street, but on the other hand I really don’t want to have them move back in with us either. It would be impossible for them to get a place of their own with an eviction on their record and that means they would be living with us for years to come. I don’t mean to sound selfish but I have a family of my own to support which is difficult enough for me. We bought our house (our first house) in December and to this day we have barely had it to ourselves for 2 months. Hell, we haven’t even finished painting yet. I just don’t know what to do. I hate feeling guilty for going out to eat and enjoying my life when people so close to me are facing a life on the streets. I am the only one in my family that has succeeded in life so far and it sure seems like it has become my responsibility to help everyone else. I am getting really sick of it. Sort of cut down to the meat of it. You seem to have taken on the burdens of your entire family. It isn't fair to hold you and your wife responsible for your brother's children. It sounds like there was a lot of stress put on your marriage and children (and pets) and that as well is not fair to you. I know in my life anyway family always comes first, but for me it is my wife and our life together that comes above all else. Of course I would help out my brother when in need but if it begins to affect my home I would have to call an end to it. Quote, originally posted by PHXLavaVibe »Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it my responsibility to help everyone? Don’t I deserve to live a life of my own without worrying about the well being of other family members?No, no and of course you do.Quote, originally posted by PHXLavaVibe »When is enough…enough? When can I move on and enjoy my wife and daughter and the life I have worked so hard to achieve? When can I stop giving handouts and say it’s not my problem? And I would say that now is the time. I wouldn't suggest to cut them out of your life, but you have to do something because if you and your wife can no longer make ends meet, you will be out on the street because there is no kind-hearted brother for you to move in with.

[PHXLavaVibe]

I am well aware that my brother is the source of their problems. I don't know how many times I wanted to pulverize him while they were staying with us. If it wasn't for the fact that I am married and my little girl needs her daddy...things would happen! I have always believed that a man should strive to provide for his family. I'm not saying that a woman couldn't do it. If a man chooses to get married and have a family then he should be willing to do whatever it takes to provide for them...not rely on his wife to work because he simply refuses to.However, it's not just my brother in this horrible situation. He is dragging his wife and kids along with him. Their kids annoy me alot of times but I do love them and don't want to see them in this situation. It's pretty sad actually, but I would help my sister in law and those kids before I would lift another finger to help my brother. I think the rest of my extended family feels the same way.

[bodhi_tree777]

man, that is tough.. and like others have said, it sounds like you have done everything that you can do. Your brother and his wife are both adults and need to start taking some responsibility for their family. I'm 30 and am the sole support for my wife and our 4 year old daughter. My wife stays home and takes care of our daughter. We make very little money, but I like to think that we're pretty scrappy and have always managed to make ends meet. It's tough out there, but you just have to show some (removed) and you can get by. The old paradigm of having one job and having that single income pay all expenses has kind of gone by the wayside. I work a full time job, also own and operate a tattoo studio and we have an ebay store on the side selling vintage clothing and toys. My wife tattoos as well and also babysits a few of our friends' kids 3-4 days a week. Due to our income and my daughter's disability we also get some state and federal aid and it's very likely that your brother and his family would qualify for similar aid (WIC, food stamps, low-income housing assistance, etc).Kind of rambling, but the point is there are ways to manage. You sound like a saint, but at some point you'll have to just give your brother the stiff-arm and tell him that you're simply not able to help them out anymore until they prove that they can do it themselves for more than a month. By the by, I used to live in the Phoenix area and the average rent down there is pretty high (I remember paying between 800-1000 a month in Scottsdale for a 2 bedroom apartment). Is moving an option for your brother and their family? There are other places where the cost of living isn't nearly as high and might be more manageable for them.

[AKLGT]

You can't always dig your family and friends out of the hole. Trust me, I'm homeless right now, living out of my store, with collection notices, bill payers, etc calling me all day long. :rolleyes: But at the end of the day, you have to be willing to give up some things to make it work... I've cut down on a ton of expenses and down to about 1.5 meals a day. I shower at the gym, I work 60-70 hours at my two stores so I don't have to pay someone else. If he's not willing to help himself, no amount of your help is going to make him be self sufficient. For me, I will find a way. I'm highly motivated... it's a craptacular situation financially for me right now, but I keep my head up and stay positive because I know it's only temporary. I have plenty of options.Oh ya, I pretty much cut out almost all the alcohol and other things of that sort from my diet/expenses. That adds up really quick!Have your sister in law and kids move back in with you and leave your brother on his own to clean up his mess. Otherwise, you're only enabling him to continue his poor habits. Good luck!

[djkeev]

While I am NOT a fan of BIG Government, we have it none the less.It is here, it can help those in serious need or those with serious problems. It sounds like your brother and his family may very well qualify for Government help, both local, State and Federal.First off, kids are suffering, we as a people seem to view this as horrible and spend a ton of money "providing" for these children. That right there opens doors.Go talk to someone at a social agency. Start to see what kind of real help is available to a no good such as your brother and his family. You may be surprised as what level of help is out there!Your brother needs to grow up, but probably won't. I've got a brother in law married to my wife's sister who has slugged through life in a manner similar to what you describe. He currently is hiding from the State of NJ in Texas, owns nothing, tries to stay hidden, works a cash paying menial job in a Deli along with his wife. They left their family, their grown kids and the life they knew for 30 years here in NJ behind because HE is an idiot.He was enabled by my in laws until they died. They took over their home and made it their own relegating the in laws to a bedroom and common areas. The other siblings tried to make the parents see the folly of the arrangement but the response was always "the kids" (there were 3)Your brother is going to have to fall and fall hard. Sadly, he'll take his family along for the horrible ride and there is little you will be able to do but stand on the side lines and be ready to help out the kids in whatever practical ways that you have the time for or the finances for. Close your eyes and don't watch the inevitable train wreck.Best of luck to you!DavePS read your brother the John Wayne quote I have right below this, I think it fits the situation!!!

[jimincalif]

You've received a lot of good advice, I won't repeat it. You mention your brother is an alcoholic. Is he still drinking? If so, under no circumstances should he live in your home. He's screwed up and unfortunately his kids will suffer, but you have to protect your daughter first and foremost.Good luck, it is a difficult situation.

[star_deceiver]

Man... that just sucks!!!If I were in your shoes, I'd put my foot down and tell them to deal with lifes problems!!!Quote, originally posted by djkeev »Go talk to someone at a social agency. Start to see what kind of real help is available to a no good such as your brother and his family. You may be surprised as what level of help is out there!Your brother needs to grow up, but probably won't.Probably the best bet ^^^^Best of luck!!!

[DoubleBaril]

I think you mentioned your brother having a car. Do they NEED the car? Would a bus work for their daily needs? I'm asking, because owning and operating one costs A LOT, as I'm sure most of us know. If he was able to get by without the car, i'm sure he'd have a lot less expenses, and it could help out in the long run. One step at a time.

[PHXLavaVibe]

Wow! Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I was actually expecting to get a few replies stating how selfish I am and that I should do whatever it takes to help my family members. In all actuality it seems so far that everyone here is on the same track of mind as I am. As I stated in my novel above I really don't want them to move back into my house. Yes my brother still drinks. He seemed to cut down quite a bit in the last month they stayed with us but only because both his wife and me were nagging him about it. He is a beer drinker for the most part but also loves his "Jack & Coke". He literally went through an 18 pack of beer every couple days. I can't say for certain but it sure seemed to me that for the longest time all he would drink was beer from the time he got up till the time he went to bed. The only times he wouldn't drink were the few hours before he went to work, when they ran out of money and I wouldn't buy him any beer, and best of all on the days he would drive to work. He learned that lesson (got a DUI a couple years ago) and refuses to drink and drive now. Although, he still shouldn't be driving. He hasn't gotten his license back yet due to him being lazy and his excuses that he can't afford to have the breathalyzer device installed in their car and he doesn't want to burden his wife with the device. They went several years without a car and they were taking buses and riding bikes. My brother used to always say that they needed a car so that he could go find a job and not have to worry about how far his job was from home. When they were living with us he would either get a ride from me, his wife or ride his bike. Then he got it in his head that he would be perfectly safe driving their car to work when his wife had the day off. His reasoning for this was that his work was only a couple miles down the road from my house and it was a straight shot through a low traffic area. I will be nice and save the story of how/where they got the car for some other time.At this point all I want to do is close my eyes on this matter and try to move on without all this drama. Sadly the rooms they were staying in are still empty. Both my wife and I have been reluctant to do anything with them because we had a feeling in the back of our minds that they would be back. However, I think this weekend we will begin converting our den into our office. Thus moving our office stuff out of our bedroom finally. I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.

[06pvibe]

Quote, originally posted by PHXLavaVibe »From what my brother says....I did not read all the replies so far. I pretty much stopped here.I agree w/what most are saying: You and your wife are not responsible for your brother's short-comings. Your wife and daughter are YOUR family and you need to concern yourself w/them first! No one else.Your brother needs to grow up and get help or lose it all. A little tough love might be in order here.I have been around a lot of drunks in my life and two things I can assure you of:1) NEVER, EVER take a drunk's word for anything. Never trust what a drunk tells you on face value. They often lie. And 2) You cannot help an addict, any addict unless they are willing to change, and the only way that might happen is if they ask for help, but even that is not a guarantee.

[BlueCrush]

I saw this earlier while at work but didn't have time to type out my big long reply. But everyone else already covered what I wanted to say. So All I'll say it take care of you and your family. You already tried helping them once. You already did good by him and his family, he screwed it up. Now he needs to get his act together. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Houston]

I can almost guarantee that if you allow that family to move back into your home it will be just a matter of time before your wife moves out. Please don't lose her because of this. If you allow them back in, they could be in your home for years.

[808 Vibes]

Quote, originally posted by 06pvibe »I have been around a lot of drunks in my life and two things I can assure you of:1) NEVER, EVER take a drunk's word for anything. Never trust what a drunk tells you on face value. They often lie. And 2) You cannot help an addict, any addict unless they are willing to change, and the only way that might happen is if they ask for help, but even that is not a guarantee. This is so true. Do not fall for the "I won't/don't drink anymore/only on weekends/holidays" bit. If you are too nice an addict will take advantage of you; take, take, and take some more. Then they will try to pull the guilt trip...make you feel like "the villain"...when you finally kick them out.

[jimincalif]

Quote, originally posted by PHXLavaVibe »He is a beer drinker for the most part but also loves his "Jack & Coke". He literally went through an 18 pack of beer every couple days.Holy smokes! Just the beer alone is at least $200 a month! That would certainly help pay some of the rent.

[scherry2]

Quote, originally posted by jimincalif »Holy smokes! Just the beer alone is at least $200 a month! That would certainly help pay some of the rent.where does he get the money for alcohol? that would be my question.

[ou.grizzly]

Wife and kids move into a family members house on one condition, your brother detoxes/goes to rehab, counseling, and AA meetings right away. At the same time, he and his wife gets couples counseling and parenting classes.Feeling guilt is enabling. Do not enable. His wife has even done this. As for the moaning/groaning about living in your house about your daughter and the TV shows. Well, news flash to them, they are guests and need to respect your family. It is not their house and they are not staying in a 5 Star Hilton. If everyone has exhausted all options, kick his (removed) to the curb and wash your hands of him. You can not change someone unless they want to change themselves. Best of luck. Do what is best for your wife and daughter as a whole, but at the same time see if your sister-in-law is willing to confront her husband with his issues and if he is willing to seek help.

[GMJAP]

I think you have already put in tremendous effort to help your extended family.To perhaps just help clarify what many have already said: Do not feel it is your burden alone to help them. Instead of continuing to try to help them directly on your own, as others have mentioned talk to social services and charities to see what it available to help. Find a local AA group and talk to some of the members about your brother's situation. Research on the internet to find support groups for people in both your situation and for your brother;s family. For example, it might help both you and your brother's wife to look into support groups for families of alcoholics. Perhaps they can offer some help in dealing with the situation.Put your brother's family in touch with any charities or social organizations you think would be helpful. Make sure to involve his wife, as she seems the more responsible.Ultimately, they need to be willing to help themselves. You should view your role as helping them get the help they need, but not to be that sole help. Ultimately, you cannot help them out of this alone. They need to act, and you both need additional help and support especially from organizations with experience.These are of course just suggestions, but I hope some will be of use to you.

[06pvibe]

Quote, originally posted by HawaiiPontiacLover »This is so true. Do not fall for the "I won't/don't drink anymore/only on weekends/holidays" bit. If you are too nice an addict will take advantage of you; take, take, and take some more. Then they will try to pull the guilt trip...make you feel like "the villain"...when you finally kick them out. Y'know, I wasn't thinking about it when I wrote my post, but you hit the nail on the head too. We make such a good team, HPL!!! LOL LOL LOL Quote, originally posted by ou.grizzly »Wife and kids move into a family members house on one condition, your brother detoxes/goes to rehab, counseling, and AA meetings right away. At the same time, he and his wife gets couples counseling and parenting classes.Feeling guilt is enabling. Do not enable. His wife has even done this. As for the moaning/groaning about living in your house about your daughter and the TV shows. Well, news flash to them, they are guests and need to respect your family. It is not their house and they are not staying in a 5 Star Hilton. If everyone has exhausted all options, kick his (removed) to the curb and wash your hands of him. You can not change someone unless they want to change themselves. Best of luck. Do what is best for your wife and daughter as a whole, but at the same time see if your sister-in-law is willing to confront her husband with his issues and if he is willing to seek help. Some of this is a little rough around the edges (who am I to talk, right?) but for the most part, eloquently, and I would say correctly put, Grizz!!

[808 Vibes]

Unfortunately, I've had to deal with two addicts, including one alcoholic psycho with gun. The next guy will get background checked!

[jake75]

Quote, originally posted by AKLGT »You can't always dig your family and friends out of the hole. Trust me, I'm homeless right now, living out of my store, with collection notices, bill payers, etc calling me all day long. :rolleyes: But at the end of the day, you have to be willing to give up some things to make it work... I've cut down on a ton of expenses and down to about 1.5 meals a day. I shower at the gym, I work 60-70 hours at my two stores so I don't have to pay someone else. If he's not willing to help himself, no amount of your help is going to make him be self sufficient. For me, I will find a way. I'm highly motivated... it's a craptacular situation financially for me right now, but I keep my head up and stay positive because I know it's only temporary. I have plenty of options.Oh ya, I pretty much cut out almost all the alcohol and other things of that sort from my diet/expenses. That adds up really quick!Have your sister in law and kids move back in with you and leave your brother on his own to clean up his mess. Otherwise, you're only enabling him to continue his poor habits. Good luck!Wow. Your life got turned around in a heartbeat. If it can happen to you it can happen to anyone. I am in the midst of trying to help my youngest son out of a ton of similar problems - delinquent cc accounts, underwater home, laid off, other issues. No spouse but a 8 yr old dtr. At least (so far) you've got reliable transportation. I was reading the other day that for whatever reason Canada is faring pretty well in this world wide recession. Didn't you move to Alaska from Canada?

[tpollauf]

Wow, what a heavy topic. I totally agree with everyone else on this topic. You've done MORE than your share of trying to help your bro out BUT until he straightens up his act, there's nothing more that you can and WILL NOT do He needs to fall flat on his *** and get a reality check. Some serious behavior modification is in store for him! Start working on your NEW home office and raise that young daughter of yours to be a responsible person who will contribute to society. Close your eyes to any news you catch wind of when it comes to your bro. This will be difficult but you MUST totally cut him off. It is the only way for him to even begin to change his life. Good luck!

[PHXLavaVibe]

Quote, originally posted by scherry2 »where does he get the money for alcohol? that would be my question.Well, about a month into their stay with us my brother was able to get a job. It was a part time position working minimum wage. Between his job and his wife's job he was able to buy beer pretty much when ever he wanted. We had an argument several times about how much money he was spending on beer and how that money could have been saved or used to help support the 8 of us. His argument was that he is a drinker...reguardless if it was beer, soda, tea or what ever. He tried to justify himself by stating that if he didn't spend the money on beer it would be spent on other things to drink and that he wasn't spending that much money.As I mentioned before he did manage to cut way back near the end of their stay. He really did try to avoid buying beer for a couple weeks but would end up buying a 12 pack on days he anticipated getting into a confrontation with either my wife or myself. Then he started buying one or two tall cans or bottles of beer when he needed a drink. I guess he figured this would be cheaper in the long run.

[PHXLavaVibe]

It has now been 5 days since my brother alerted me to their eviction hearing. Their hearing is sometime this week...Wednesday if I remember right. It has been really hard for me and my wife to resist contacting them about their situation. I hate not knowing what is happening! I keep telling myself that it is for the better, but I can't help but wonder what they are planning. I would hate for them to just show up at our door or call me at the last minute begging to come live with us again. With all the problems we ran into while they were living with us I seriously doubt they will ask to move back in. Last Wednesday when we talked, my brother left me with the impression that they were not even considering living with us again. I really hope not anyway. My wife and I have decided that we will not let them move back in. Me personally though...I have a feeling that it will come down to the last minute and we will be forced to make a final decision right there on the spot. I have tried to close my eyes on the situation and put it out of my mind but it is getting really difficult. I haven't heard a word from them since last Wednesday. I hope they can find some other means of survival because I really don't want to have to turn them away and close my door.One of the last things my brother said to me was that they may need our help transporting some of their stuff to a storage unit and that his TV in particular is one thing he really doesn't want to store there. He wants to put as much of their stuff in storage as possible before they get kicked out of their apartment and are forced to leave things behind. I remember him saying that he would much rather his TV go to someone who would take care of it for him than being kept in a storage shed. I think he was implying that there are a few things other than just his TV that he would like for us to keep at our house. I can't help but wonder if this would be a means for them to come to our house and drop the bomb about not having anywhere else to go. You know "Here, keep this stuff safe for us and feel free to use it...while we fight for our lives out on the street".AAAARRRRGGGGGG!!!!! I just want this whole situation to go away! I can't take it anymore. I can't handle the heartache!Does anyone have a nice log cabin in the woods somewhere that I could borrow for a week so I can take my wife and daughter away from all this for a while?That's exactly what I need...A VACATION!!! If only I could get away from work.

[BlueCrush]

Glad to hear that you are standing firm on your decision. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. Don't give up or give in. There is no reason they cannot put everything in storage. I think he is just saying that so they have a reason to get into your house at some point and then try to talk their way into staying. Tell them that you and your wife talked it over and that you (not your wife) decided it would be best if you did not take anything of their's. It will not cost them anymore if they put the TV and other small items in there.

[keithvibe]

don't let them store anything at your place. If you do, and something breaks or gets damaged now they will be looking to you to replace it. Let them pay for storage.

[Houston]

As others have already said, don't let your brother store any of their stuff at your house. Be very firm with this. A friend of mine who was pretty much in the same situation as you are right now lost his wife over this. Don't let it happen to you!

[AKLGT]

you must stand by your final decision. Make it now, don't wait til they put you on the spot! This is YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY. he has his own and let him worry about it. You've already gone down that road, don't get sucked back in! As others have already said, you may very well lose your own family due to your brother's inability to provide for his own.

[beemerphile1]

So far it appears that you have been an enabler and share in a part of the blame.Your first responsibility is to your family.Your second responsibility is to your nieces and nephews.You have absolutely no responsibility for your brother or his wife in their self-inflicted condition. If they were in this condition due to health issues or other things beyond their control it would be different. However since their condition is self-inflicted they need to pay the price. You did not help them one bit by supporting them and allowing them to continue on their self destructive path.If anything, offer to take in the nieces and nephews and tell your brother and sister-in-law they are on their own.

[djkeev]

Ok, Easy for me to say for I have a job, pay my bills and have some fun money left over but......SELL THE TV!!!!! On the list of things NOT needed in life, TV is up there really high on the list. It sucks up hours that could be spent doing other things, it comes with a price tag for TV Service as well.IF you don't have a paid for home, you really don't need a TV.Time to face reality, this man has serious troubles he needs to fix.I agree, store nothing for them, it will just lead into more troubles and more time spent at your house. You've already gone way above and beyond what you need to. Support him, visit him, have them over for dinner so the kids get a decent meal in their developing bodies a few times a week but let them sleep somewhere else.Dave

[BlueCrush]

Any updates?

[PHXLavaVibe]

I called my brother last week and was informed that their court case had been dismissed prior to the hearing, because my brother had managed to pay the apartment some money towards their past due rent before they received the court summons. However they were expecting to receive yet another summons within a couple days from when we last spoke.I haven't heard anything on the new one yet. I am trying my best to keep out of their business. They still haven't been able to pay a full months rent and are easily now two payments behind. As my brother said..."We are only postponing the enevitable".