Letter Alcohol

[Charlievibe]

Enjoy!!! ******Dear Alcohol,First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seemto be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you'reeven around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midstof endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influencehas led to some unwise consequences:1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessitytakes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call thoseboyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hearfrom me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest thatI eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Katafter a few sweet chili and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclecticeater, but I think you went too far this time.3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to domore yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue homeBy causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyondme. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the frontdoor key into the lock.4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is gettingridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debaucherymay be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility at work is completelyunacceptable. my entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautionsare taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going tosleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,the hangover should be minimal in no way interfere with my dailyactivities.Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & wouldlike to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of greatstories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion whenI just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In orderto continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review mygrievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answerNo later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.Thank you,Your biggest fanTHINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. CinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 3. Attention Deficit DisorderTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have (removed). 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. 6. Check out my new dance move.

[drunkenmaxx]

i remember when i wrote that letter, reminds me of the old days. thanks for the memories!

[Mr. Poopypants]

Oh how painfully, painfully true.