the official guide to successful pooping at work (the Work Poop)

[drunkenmaxx]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the......... Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the ****ter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite (removed). This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your (removed) entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

[Reynoma]

Man, warn me when something is this funny. I'm in tears trying to hold back laughter (reading at work).

[drunkenmaxx]

ah, be wary of any post i make my man!!! here is some pee humor!The Pee Name ListExcitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.Sociable Type Joins pals for a (removed) whether he wants one or not.Timid Type Cannot (removed) if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later. Noisy Type Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink. Clever Type Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do. Absent-Minded TypeOpens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in pants. Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while pissing. Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to (removed), fails, farts again and walks out muttering. Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while pissing and looks at the bloke next to him.Sloppy Type Pisses on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later. Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while pissing. Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while pissing. Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops. Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pisses in trousers. Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pisses through fingers. (removed)-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.

[Stang2Vibe]

LOL! At work, almost all of us are out-of-the-closet poopers. Several of the guys will anounce their intent to everyone proudly before seeking out the bathroom. This should be called "poop insurance". It insures that nobody will bother you until you come back from the bathroom.BTW--I hate the infamous turd burglar.This is too funny. I may have to copy it and post a copy inside the stall at work, the guys would love it. Would probably expand their vocabulary as well.

[pwarren4]

Me myself - I intend to poop at work. There's just something getting paid for sitting on the crapper that's seems cool.In fact, I usually have a sense of disappointment when I have to go at home - just seems like lost time.

[drunkenmaxx]

i love the by myself time as well. i just make sure to go to the back where no female employees work (the printing area). the only person is that the bathroom is single person, so, if you come out and a noxious gas follows, they know who did it!

[Big_Red]

Although I am sure that it is quite interesting and funny, but it is just too much for me to read....

[Stang2Vibe]

Quote, originally posted by pwarren4 »Me myself - I intend to poop at work. There's just something getting paid for sitting on the crapper that's seems cool.In fact, I usually have a sense of disappointment when I have to go at home - just seems like lost time.LOL! I used to work with a guy who would come out of the bathroom and anounce that there is nothing he liked more than getting paid to take a sh**.

[drunkenmaxx]

Quote, originally posted by Big_Red »Although I am sure that it is quite interesting and funny, but it is just too much for me to read....**ignore post, see top of browser, click "back" ** - poof!

[redlava]

I am an out of closet pooper. Usually announce to coworkers that I am going to "take the browns to the superbowl," or "drop the kids of at the pool."

[drunkenmaxx]

Quote, originally posted by redlava »I am an out of closet pooper. Usually announce to coworkers that I am going to "take the browns to the superbowl," or "drop the kids of at the pool."or, "deliver a brown baby boy" - "do some paperwork" - "make a deposit"

[ColonelPanic]

I "have to go to my office..." lol! Droppin' the kids off the pool is great too, I use that often. Or i make up my own word and say "I gotta go fecalate." We had this one guy we called "Buffet Boy" because all he ever did was eat ALL day... Had food piled up all over his desk at all times. Then he would take his little wizards and gobblins book and head for the crapper for a half hour, at least 3-4 times a day. So sometimes I say "I have to go take a buffet boy!" lmaoHow many of you grab your phone, pager, whatever and just cycle through the functions, even though you aren't really doing anything, to kill time when you're uh, gettin' the job done? I have to have something electronic with me, usually the PDA. lolTaking dumps on company time rules!

[joatmon]

saw this cartoon, and thought about drunkenmaxx, who used to be drunkenvibe, and who used to be active here and kept the place jumping with off color and often quite funny stuff, so in his memory:

bear2.jpg (22.86 KiB) Viewed 202 times

[ColonelPanic]

LOL that's perfect.

Also, "past me" is embarrassing.